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Posted at 9:22 am
Originally posted July 22, 2009.
Henry Peterman sat on his mother’s kitchen stool all alone. His chubby fingers clutching at the cushioned seat and his feet dangling in legato movements though the small volume of atmosphere he was currently inhabiting. Shut out from the world and everything around him, Henry was not even conscious of the loud siren blaring in the distance down the street from his house – let along the maelstrom of violence his moving legs were imposing on the Oxygen and Nitrogen molecules that surrounded him.
If Henry’s mind could be photographed at this moment, we would see pure blackness contrasted only by a rectangle of colors and light at the center of the frame. Each subsequent photo taken would be exactly the same in that respect and yet different somehow as though the contents of the quadrilateral shape were in motion. Accompanying this image would be the sound of a low whirr and an unending gargle of bubbles garnished with the gentle flow of water.
Henry had no concept of time in this state and was completely unaware that he had been in this trance for over 3 hours. All at once Henry was rushed back to reality as his mother walked through the door. All the blackness in his mind was quickly replaced by the walls of the kitchen and his feet found the floor as he slid off the bar stool. Turning around – still slightly shocked from the travel between realities, Henry looked at his mother. “Henry” She said. “Come away from the aquarium and help me carry in the groceries.” Henry obeyed without a word and walked out to the car. Just then, something in the glass fish tank caught Mrs. Peterman’s eye. Leaning in to get a better look she let out a shrill scream that Henry heard from the garage. Running to aid her, Henry found Mrs. Peterman lying on the kitchen floor soaked with aquarium water and surrounded by blue pebbles, plastic plants, and hundreds of perfectly cut 1/2 inch squares of glass. The fish were nowhere to be found.
July 2, 2010
Video Harvest – Volume 15
Posted at 8:51 am
Hello peoples, another lush and tasty harvest of video magic for you this week.
First, Weird Al shreds on stage!
Woot! the popular and hilarious 1 item at a time webstore was acquired by Amazon.com…so they wrote a song about it.
This is why Lassie was a dog, not a cat. Cat’s are retarded.
OK Go’s videos have been featured here before…watch as their drummer takes on the muppet Animal in a staring contest.
Cheesy acting aside, watching an Apple product blend is poetry in motion.
And for you Star Wars fans, a cute little AT-AT puppy.
And a late entry…How Iron Man should have ended.
June 30, 2010
July 4th Day
Posted at 10:08 am
This Sunday marks the 233rd birthday of the Untied States of America and to celebrate this occasion I will provide a brief timeline of the dates and events that have made this country what is is today. May we never forget the past so as not to make the same mistakes in the future.
1763 – British military officers sang “Yankee Doodle Dandy” to shame the disheveled, disorganized colonial “Yankees” in the French and Indian War. This backfired however when colonists sang it in mockery after defeating the Lobsterbacks in the US revolution. The song was used once again by confederate soldiers during the war of northern aggression.
July 3, 1776 – The draft of the Declaration of Independence was finished.
July 4, 1776 – The Declaration was adopted and signed by the Second Continental Congress as well as Forest Gump’s Great Great Grandfather…Woody Glenn Gump.
1776-1783 – The British invade the newly independent U.S. but are thwarted by Mel Gibson and his tomahawk throwing skills. The French eventually show up after most of the fighting is over and attempt to take credit for defeat of Charles Cornwallis at Yorktown (aka Old York).
1951 – Gene Kelly attempted to enact revenge on the French by serving as a US spy under the guise of a dancing fool named Jerry Mulligan. However, all of Kelly’s spy work was caught on tape and released as a major motion picture titled “An American in Paris.”
December 25, 1896 – John Philip Sousa composed “Stars and Stripes Forever” which later became the official march of the USA and required memorization in high school band rehearsals everywhere. The march had the power to inject strong emotion in those who heard it therefore paving the way for Rock ‘N Roll and ultimately Mtv.
July 4, 1996 – As President, Bill Pullman recruits the talents of a drunk crop duster to fight against the threat of extermination imposed by an unnamed alien fleet that has invaded earth and is destroying her cities. His inspiring speech is still heard through VHS players everywhere today:
“Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”
November 19, 2004 – The Declaration of Independence was stolen by Nicholas Cage using the surname Benjamin Gates in an expansive government conspiracy to prove that the free masons were the good guys.
As you can see, we as Americans have a rich heritage of violence, theft, and loud noises. Be an American this July 4 and celebrate by blowing stuff up with fire and creating booming sounds that jolt the continental shelf.
June 28, 2010
Die it.
Posted at 8:32 am
Originally posted on July 15, 2009.
Let’s face it…food is good. Though there are a few particular food products that do not appeal to me personally, on the whole, food is generally a pleasure to partake of. I’ve never met a human who didn’t enjoy some type of food (< not a plug for the cable channel) at some point in their lifetime (< not a plug for the cable channel). Because we as people have determined that we like food, it has created an enormous market with an unending supply of demand (see what I did there?). The more people eat, the more our supply is used up and therefore our demand for food increases as a direct result of food becoming more scarce because we ate it.
Food is like entertainment, it isn’t necessary to sustain life but does bring enjoyment and happiness to a person. Sure, it’s be easier and cheaper to just have everyone eating their meals thru an I.V. – you could control obesity and make sure that everyone got the nutrients that their body needs. Productivity would increase since everyone would have at least an extra 3 hours a day (more for housewives) that they aren’t spending to sit down and eat food. Animal rights organizations such as PETA would have to do extreme downsizing if not shut down completely. Hunting would become a civil duty to keep animal populations down and everyone’s teeth would be much healthier. Homeless people would never go hungry since the government will be able to supply everyone with I.V.’s using all the money they save from not paying for food. As a result of not eating food, people’s other senses would become more acute and powerful to compensate for losing the sense of taste. We’d be able to see better, smell better, touch feel better, and hear better. Kitchens would become unneeded as would expensive appliances and cooking equipment – every house in America would suddenly have an extra room.
Actually, this is starting to sound pretty good…
Eliminate food and you eliminate poverty, sickness, and the need for taste buds. This new I.V. diet will be called “The Stewart Adams Cool People Eating Habit of Awesomeness and Strength” or the IV Diet for short. The only downside is that billions of jobs would be lost and if you woke up in the middle of the night craving a ham and cheese sandwich, tough luck. I can live with that…
June 25, 2010
Video Harvest – Volume 14
Posted at 10:08 am
Greetings minions. Here is this week in videos:
First, if you haven’t seen Toy Story 3 – do.
Next, I almost hate to post this because it’s so overtly pro Apple – but it’s a very creative video so I’m posting it anyway 
The Art of Analog Computing from meltmedia on Vimeo.
This is a simple stop motion animation using tea light candles as a bit map.
Another Rhett and Link local commercial.
Lastly, we have a commercial for a video game that takes a not so subtle jab at the Mario Kart franchise.
June 23, 2010
Babies
Posted at 10:09 am
Fact: Babies are ugly.
When compared to normal standards for attractiveness it becomes obvious and apparent that – not only do babies look nothing like the ideal visual human specimen, but they are in fact the furthest thing from it. This occurs in both sexes though is more apparent in the female variety due to the greater range of extremes. Since most men are also ugly, they don’t divert much from their original appearance when their bodies are introduced to age.
Here are just a few examples of why babies are ugly:
1. Double, triple, and quadruple chins.
2. Squinty, dark colored eyes.
3. General obesity, including rolls of fat covering whole body.
4. Baby Acne.
5. Very little hair.
6. Lots of missing teeth.
7. Scary “Alien” style belly button.
8. Loose, saggy skin.
9. Jaundice.
10. General resemblance to a gelatinous blob of mush.
So what is it that makes these babies so hideous?
P.S. My wife is expecting our first, it is due sometime next February/March.
June 21, 2010
Eye of the Beholder
Posted at 8:48 am
Originally posted on July 8, 2009.
They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, yet so few of us have actually seen the the inside of another person’s eye. For me, myself, personally, I have been privileged with the benefit of seeing the inside of a cow eye during its dissection in elementary school. I don’t by any means consider myself an expert on the subject of beauty but based on my assessment, there was very little beauty in the middle of that eye. This is potential evidence for several possible hypotheses regarding the subject and subjectiveness of this thing we call beauty.
1. Beauty is only found in the eye of a human – I have yet to confirm this theory due to the shortage of available human eyes whose owners would be okay with me delving in to have a peek. From what I’ve read, there is very little difference between the human eyeball and those of cattle and if this be the case, our society’s entire basis for determining beauty is way off base. Models trying to make themselves look like the inside of an eyeball – how ever hilarious and entertaining that may be – would be gross and degrading to society.
2. Beauty is only found in the eye of the beholder – In this case, the only way for any of us to see beauty is to be looking into the eye of a person who is looking at beauty – which raises the question of where the original beauty came from and how it was able to be passed down through the ages until someone coined the phrase we are currently examining today.
3. Cows cannot see beauty – this theory is also supported by the idea that beauty is a subjective thing that can only be observed by an intelligent and conscious being. That is of course unless your definition of beauty is simply something that you are visually attracted to…which in the cow’s case may be a tuft of weeds or the even more beautiful twice digested cud.
4. Beauty can only be seen by people who are not blind – It may sound obvious but I’m sure there are disability groups that would contend this point. The idea that beauty is in the eye of the beholder completely removes people who don’t have eyes from the list of those who can rightly determine if something is beautiful or not.
Ugliness is everywhere, there seems to be no shortage of it, no matter where you go – you can always find something ugly. Part of this may be attributed to the laws of entropy and the fact that matter and energy are in a constant state of decay and is becoming increasingly less usable. Another way to explain it is to consider that beauty does not really exist and is simply a tool used by humanity to make us feel good. Society benefits greatly from the idea of something “beautiful” because it is extremely marketable and people will pay big bucks for an escape from the ugliness of reality. Makeup, paints and fabrics may cover up this non-beauty but it is there nonetheless. Whoever said “beauty is only skin deep” was obviously ugly, and had no appreciation for healthy internal organs.
June 18, 2010
Video Harvest – Volume 12
Posted at 8:12 am
This week in video is admittedly geekish…perhaps it’s because E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo) has been going on this week – but it’s more likely the fact that I am myself a geek and therefore enjoy geeky videos. If you have no interest in awesomeness – or flying robots, beating the system at monopoly, star wars, video games, making fun of Apple, or fantasy movies based on books written by C. S. Lewis…you may want to stop here.
June 11, 2010
Video Harvest – Volume 11
Posted at 9:26 am
June 9, 2010
Squash
Posted at 10:51 am
So I’m not feeling especially inspired to write this fine day. This is with a marginal amount of reasonable doubt – due to the fact that I, being wholly inhibited by sleep depravation and the burning of the candle from both ends, am tired man.
However, rather than just melting away into my own private solace of reclusive gnomehood and completely ignoring you, dear internet…I have posted this picture of a squash that I found on Google images:
And it’s all because I love you so much.
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