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Why I Want To Be Attacked By A Shark
Posted at 12:26 pm
So its Shark Week on the Discovery channel. Am I the only one who thinks it would be cool to be attacked by a shark? I’m not talking about a little Bonnethead…or even a full sized Hammerhead…I’m talking about a Carcharodon carcharias, also known as queen mother of all sea life, The Great White. Is this because I have a death wish? Is this because I am into self mutilation? No, and no. There are several conditions that come along with this desire of mine as listed here:
01. I would want to survive.
02. I would want to keep all my major appendages – it can eat hair and loose skin cells.
03. I would want to have full use of all my bodily functions intact, including joint mobility, all 5 senses, and organ functionality.
04. I would want a sweet scar, but not on the face.
05. A broken bone or two is okay as well as broken skin…but not mutilated beyond what is easily repairable.
06. The shark may live, but I’d want a piece of it to keep as a souvenir…some of its teeth, a dorsal fin and its tail should do it.
07. I’d want to feel limited/no pain…so maybe a full body epidural?
08. I’d want its next shark pup to keep and raise as a pet…which means I would also need a pretty big fish tank.
So yeah, if you can guarantee all that, I will volunteer. So…why? What are the advantages of being a shark attack victim?
01. How many people do you know who have survived a Great White Shark attack? Exactly.
02. It would be a great conversation piece at parties.
03. I could be used as a living visual aid when teaching children about the dangers of the ocean.
04. I could train the pup to catch fish for me.
Yes, so many reasons. ><^>
August 2, 2010
Facing the Boss
Posted at 8:54 am
Originally posted September 16, 2009.
One day Henry McLeroy decided to go out on a limb. Shaky and unstable, the limb was teetering on the edge of civilized humanitarian interaction and plummeting disaster, destruction and death. Loosening his necktie, Henry stared into his boss’s eyes as he reasoned the situation out in his head. He was attempting to weigh the pros and cons of the decision he had already 
made, but had not yet implemented. Slowly and methodically, Henry inched his way along the limb, furthering himself from the stability of the safe truck of silence and introvertedness. He knew he was going to do it, yet despite his mental resolve he has not yet taken that leap of faith and gone for it. Sure the risk was tremendous, and even if he accomplished his goal there was no guarantee of success but that did not matter to Henry…
With a long stride Henry stepped out toward the skinny end of the limb and let go completely of the trunk. For a moment he balanced there as if weightless in perfect equilibrium. “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Henry yelled at the top of his lungs til all the air he could hold was depleted. The boss stared at Henry for a second then all at once the limb Henry stood on, shattered into millions of splintering splinters. Henry felt the gravity of his dire situation grab him and yank downward as despair filled his heart. The boss removed a flaming sword from his belt and left Henry’s avatar in a smoldering heap at the base of his TV screen. Henry sighed and put down his controller…he would have to fight another day, his mom had the bagel pizza bites ready in the oven.
July 28, 2010
Video Harvest – Volume 18
Posted at 9:42 am
Hello. Due to the fact that I will be indisposed this Friday, and because I was in a similar state last Friday…I give you this video harvest today. Enjoy.
In the wake of the massive amount of Old Spice commercial spoofs…this one stands out.
The new trailer for TRON Legacy, shown at Comic Con:
Also out of Comic Con, this teaser for the new Pirates movie, hopefully this will stay up…copyright fail.
Okay, admittedly…major geek-fest moment below. Most of you probably have no idea what the Green Lantern Oath is…
Enough Comic Con (for now)…next is a very creative stop motion video of a guy walking across America.
This is real footage of an air show gone wrong, the pilot ejects moments before impact and escapes uninjured. Ironically, ‘Stayin Alive’ was playing over the PA.
Perfectly executed:
Next, a technology with endless applications:
And one more from Comic Con…Halo Reach is huge.
July 26, 2010
Rabbit Trails
Posted at 8:39 am
Originally posted September 9, 2009.
I was fully prepared for what didn’t happen. My focus and attention where moving in harmony with one another as if dancing to a legato waltz in the key of A. As my readiness level reached its maximum I contemplated the existence of a scale for measuring such levels in humans. Clearly there would be outside factors that would affect the scale; adrenaline, bodily functions, external objects or forces, etc. Catching myself, I realized that my thinking about the 
scale had in turn lowered my attentions to the task at hand by distracting my mind. I then added branches to the scale chart in my mind that were meant to represent the rabbit trails of human thought not unlike the one I had just experienced. This further confirmed my idea as I noticed that once again my thoughts had turned away from my goal and toward a mental tangent about mental tangents. Re-focusing my focus I attempted to block all outside stimuli from my brain – only to realize that the main source of distraction was in my brain itself. My thoughts visualized a long tunnel I assumed to be a representation of tunnel vision and all the implications therein. If only there was a way for me to generate precise, directed tunnel vision toward the thing which my subconscious knew to be the priority. My conscious seemed to be bored with that objective and was resisting with all its might to find something else to dwell on. In that moment I realized that the task I was attempting to perform was not something that I wanted to do but rather something I needed to do. The distinction came as a stark contrast that was shocking even to me as the truth of the situation became known. Had I just not been being honest with myself? Or had desire to do what I should overshadowed the desire to do what I want? Suddenly, a lady walked in to the classroom and said “Professor Brock is sick at home and will not be coming in.” Exam day had been cancelled.
July 19, 2010
Banana Theory
Posted at 11:54 am
Originally posted August 19, 2009.
The average person consumes a total of 750 bananas in their lifetime. This statistic may be slightly skewed due to the fact that I have no idea how many bananas the average person consumes in their lifetime. However, in developing this statistic by simply pulling a random number out of the air, I have not made an outright fabrication of the facts. After all, it is 100% plausible that the number I picked is the correct one – though it is not very likely since it is only a single number out of the vast all encompassing quantity of numbers commonly known as ‘infinity.’
But then, we may refine our sample size from infinity to something more manageable by determining how many bananas are produced on the earth in a given year. Obviously, humanity can’t eat more bananas than can be grown, so now we’re dealing with an infinitely smaller pool of possibilities for our average – yet there is still a hang up with developing a useful solution…
What we’ve run into now is not a question of probability and calculation but rather a lack of man power. It is highly improbable (though not impossible) that every banana on the earth could be accounted for even if all of humanity devoted itself wholeheartedly to that chief end alone. There are too many places on earth where bananas could hide. Even if we actually accomplished the improbable and found them all, we would never know it because we would have to continually search and question our results. The same would apply to the other variable in this equation; humans. There is no way to monitor the banana eating habits of the entire population of the world and thus no way to establish an ‘average.’ People have different life spans too, in case you didn’t know that.
So, this all leaves us still with the unanswered burning question of how many bananas the average person eats in their lifetime. My guess of 750 is strictly based on a number that popped into my head once I realized that there was no way to measure these statistics with any certainty of their accuracy. There used to be a word for this, it was called ‘a theory.’ However these days, if I were to present this idea in book form, and the ‘scientific community’ accepted it as ‘scientific fact;’ suddenly the fact that I have no empirical, consequential, or anything-else-ical evidence for my claim becomes irrelevant to the point. I am touted as a genius and my idea goes into text books across America so that the next generation can benefit from my superior intellect. Even when I renounce my own claim, citing that it is theory based on blind guess – the ‘scientists’ suddenly do not pay attention.
Fact: Bananas contain high amounts of Potassium (K) and are for all intents and purposes, banana-shaped.
Theory: The average human consumes 750 bananas in their lifetime.
Myth: Banana peels cause people to slip and fall.
In the words of Bill Nye: “Science Rules.”
July 16, 2010
Video Harvest – Volume 17
Posted at 8:28 am
Hello there, this week’s videos have been picked, shucked and are ready for your viewing consumption.
This is an improv group staging a scene from Star Wars on a Subway.
Rhett and Link again hit us with a phat beat as they battle for the attentions of a waitress.
Holy disproportionate, Batman!
The Onion News Network does a feature story on Apple’s upcoming “friend bar” for apple fanboys. Also teases the upcoming in home apple store designed to choke even more money out of its customers.
This, is just incredible. The scale, the time involved. It’s crazy.
July 14, 2010
Fortune Smiles on the Rich
Posted at 9:33 am
Fact: Fortune smiles on the rich.
This statement would (and should) seem obvious to we as the American society, however many people take offense to this fact and hold grudges against those who take full advantage of its ramifications. It seems that when someone amasses large tracts of wealth, they are looked down upon by the less financially stable individuals of the world as if they don’t deserve their hard earned cash simply due the the fact that they are rich.
The problem contained in this conundrum may appear to some as circular reasoning with no solid basis and no simple resolution. This is true. What is also true is that the answer for these poor …fiscally challenged people involves circular reasoning as well. Simply put, if you want fortune to smile on you, get rich.
So now you have your assignment, but how should you best accomplish it? Here are a few helpful things you can do that have worked in the past but are by no means guaranteed to work again.
01. Sell rubber bands that have been molded into shapes.
02. Convince two other people to convince two other people to convince two other people to convince two other people to convince two other people to convince two other people to sell some random product.
03. Go out to your yard, pick up a rock, put it in a pet carrier and sell it for an inflated price.
04. Manufacture and sell plush animals with plastic beans inside them instead of stuffing.
05. Build a time machine, become a fireman and go to New York City on 9/11/2001.
06. Develop a computing tablet with fewer features than a cellphone or a netbook that you can’t use as a reading device in sunlight…convince the world that it’s magical and charge them through the nose for it.
07. Get a job.
08. Build a chain of coffee shops and sell coffee at 10x the cost to make it, consistently lose at taste tests, and run your business model on the basis that you have a cool company name, which isn’t even original.
July 12, 2010
The Moat of Relational Distraction
Posted at 11:25 am
Originally posted July 29, 2009.
There is an unyielding, unshakable truth pertaining to relationships whose repeated failure of understanding has led to an extremely high divorce rate. This truth may be summed up by stating that ‘men are inherently bad and women are equally evil.’ If this were not so, the visualization of the metaphor I am about to present would not exist due to the fact that people would be non-evil and thus unable to perform acts of evil upon those they have relationships with.
Imagine with me an enormous castle, its siege towers towering and its draw bridge bridging. Its stacked stone design is both intimidating and beautiful with ornate archways and columns littering its overall architecture. The castle is surrounded on all sides by a moat, a ring of watery protection that forces a single entrance via draw bridge only.
Just then we see a young couple walking hand in hand down the pebble path toward the castle. They are obviously in love and in the flower of their youth. The young man is brave and handsome with excellent posture while the beauty of his beloved is unmatched in all the kingdom. The lady’s flowing hair glides in the autumn breeze. The couple are on their way to a royal ball and are dressed in the finest of linens.
As the two love birds approach the draw bridge the young man is suddenly enamored by the sight of the moat. It was after all a rather awesome moat, complete with snakes, crocodiles and a beach full of perfect skipping stones. As a means of impressing his fairest love, the man picked up a stone and skipped it off the surface of the water until it found a resting place against the wall of the castle on the other side of the moat. The young woman clapped and cheered for her man’s feat of skill which urged the man on to escalate his performance. Soon, the man is singing and dancing whilst throwing rocks at a sleeping crocodile. The woman holds her waist as she laughs to near tears at her love’s silly antics.
Boom! In a flash the two people became silent and still as they looked at the now raised draw bridge. They had missed their chance and were now locked out from the royal ball. The young woman’s face turned from a smile to a frown, she threw her pointy hat on the ground and pushed the man backwards. Realizing that he is about to fall, the man reached out grasping at anything he can get his hands on. He finds hold on the woman’s left ear but the pain causes her to give in to his tug and the two people topple into the murky water.
The crocodile that the man had pelted with rocks earlier lurched toward the struggling pair with its jaws snapping. The people saw it and immediately started swimming in opposite directions with all haste. The man swum toward the north end of the castle while the woman dog paddled in her dress toward the south end. With each stroke the distance between the two increased until they could no longer see each other due to the curve of the moat. In that moment, the Man was yanked under the surface never to be seen again. On the other side of the castle a second crocodile that had not been part of the initial escape calculations overtook the young woman. Her satin slipper is all that was ever found.
July 9, 2010
Video Harvest – Volume 16
Posted at 8:18 am
Hello gentlepeople. Today is Friday, that means it’s time to bring in the Harvest…of videos…see what I did there?
First up, a fan-made, really short homage video to Tron, and it’s Legacy.
Tron Homage: Disk Battle from Kiel Figgins on Vimeo.
Next we have a bunch of guys doing what me and my brother and cousins used to do all the time…but for real.
This is the latest from Failblog.
And since I’m apparently on a bowling kick, here’s a video I saw a few weeks ago and never posted. It’s way more pro than the previous video.
This one was sent to me by my dear friend Allison who is also known as AllyPi on Xbox live. Yes, I know all you single guys are thinking ‘Whoa, a chick who’s friends with Stewart Adams and plays Xbox? It’s the perfect woman.’ But I am sorry (for you) to say that she is also married – but don’t let that stop you from filling up her Gamertag inbox with friend requests 
Speaking of Xbox, I know many of you are fans of Halo…and also that many of you detest video games. Yes, the following is a montage of gameplay from the Halo Reach Beta, but also yes, it is a creative piece of editing with amazing piano music.
July 5, 2010
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Posted at 9:22 am
Originally posted July 22, 2009.
Henry Peterman sat on his mother’s kitchen stool all alone. His chubby fingers clutching at the cushioned seat and his feet dangling in legato movements though the small volume of atmosphere he was currently inhabiting. Shut out from the world and everything around him, Henry was not even conscious of the loud siren blaring in the distance down the street from his house – let along the maelstrom of violence his moving legs were imposing on the Oxygen and Nitrogen molecules that surrounded him.
If Henry’s mind could be photographed at this moment, we would see pure blackness contrasted only by a rectangle of colors and light at the center of the frame. Each subsequent photo taken would be exactly the same in that respect and yet different somehow as though the contents of the quadrilateral shape were in motion. Accompanying this image would be the sound of a low whirr and an unending gargle of bubbles garnished with the gentle flow of water.
Henry had no concept of time in this state and was completely unaware that he had been in this trance for over 3 hours. All at once Henry was rushed back to reality as his mother walked through the door. All the blackness in his mind was quickly replaced by the walls of the kitchen and his feet found the floor as he slid off the bar stool. Turning around – still slightly shocked from the travel between realities, Henry looked at his mother. “Henry” She said. “Come away from the aquarium and help me carry in the groceries.” Henry obeyed without a word and walked out to the car. Just then, something in the glass fish tank caught Mrs. Peterman’s eye. Leaning in to get a better look she let out a shrill scream that Henry heard from the garage. Running to aid her, Henry found Mrs. Peterman lying on the kitchen floor soaked with aquarium water and surrounded by blue pebbles, plastic plants, and hundreds of perfectly cut 1/2 inch squares of glass. The fish were nowhere to be found.
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