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Remember
Posted at 9:29 am
Remember, remember, the 11th of September.
September 10, 2008
PSA: Atom Smashing
Posted at 4:07 pm
Have you or a loved one ever been adversely effected by the reckless smashing of a sub-atomic particle? If you’re not one of the 66 Billion people throughout history who has loved and lost an innocent family proton, you may be joining that statistic very soon.
“Today the first proton beam was successfully steered around the Large Hadron Collider accelerator ring at CERN in Geneva,Switzerland. Eventually two beams will be fired at the same time in opposite directions with the aim of recreating conditions a split second after the big bang, which scientists theorize was the massive explosion that created the universe.”
Personally, I see no profit in blowing up the earth…it is very bad for business. But what can you do? For one thing, you can sit down with your kids and have a serious talk about the evils of atom smashing…they are the future, and only they can prevent the pointless killing of atoms for future generations to enjoy.
Also, don’t take atoms for granted, they may only be with us for a short time. As atom populations become smaller and smaller…all we will be left with are our memories of these functional little pieces of matter and energy. Next time you’re tempted to smash an atom while it’s moving the speed of light, think twice.
This has been a Stewart Adams Project Public Service Announcement. To learn more about Atoms and Atom Smashing, visit the internet.
September 3, 2008
A Boy Named Joe
Posted at 9:58 am
There once was a boy named Joe, but we’ll call him Jo for short. Jo was pretty much your average ordinary boy beside the fact that he was by far the coolest person in school, if not the world. Jo, though not necessarily the best looking human specimen, had been gifted with a body endoWed with pure pHysical talent…the kind that anorexic self image conscious people onlY wish they had. Jo could make hiS hair appear curly or straight depending On what suited him at the time. Jo had prehenSile toes and could hang upside down by thEm. Jo weighed 90.37 lbs. which is the precise atomic weight of awesome afteR it has been converted from Atomic Mass UnIts (AMUs). Jo was born with immunity to iocane powder due largely to the fact that he possessed 3 kidneys (that’s Trinitarian). Jo could also write left and right handed at the same time.
Despite Jo’s amazing abilities and God given gifts, he eventually became a martyr to himself. Every day Jo lived was anOther day that he could not live. Jo’s everything became nothing and yet his nothing was everything to him. Jo’s pain was his comfort and his delight was his agony. WithoUt killing anyone, Jo became a murderer; without saving anyone, Jo became a savior. Jo’s legacy will live on and will be forgotten all becauSe of an intentional accident.
August 27, 2008
The Elements of Power
Posted at 8:42 am
In times of extreme peril it oft becomes necessary for a team of highly trained kung fu teenagers to call on the power of the elements in order to make the peril less perilous. The sacred elements give our heroes superhuman abilities as well as flipping sweet weapons and armor with which they decapitate the forces of evil. But what are these mysterious elements? I shall list a few of them for you:
01. Fire – This is by far the coolest of the power elements, even though it is the hottest. Fire is the element of choice for Johnny Storm, Wheeler the Planeteer, John Allerdyce, and…cremation. Combining heat, oxygen and fuel, fire is one of the more visually appealing power sources and always has a strategic advantage over gasoline based elements.
02. Water – Is also known as the girly element, despite the fact that water can douse fire, drown enemies and make tsunamis this element tends to be considered feminine and consequently it is not often picked by males. Gi the Planeteer, Mary Jane Watson, Squirtle and Aqua Man are all examples of this – even though Aqua Man is not female everyone knows his man card has been revoked.
03. Plastic – There are few things left in this world not affected by plastic…Michael Jackson is not one of them. Plastic is becoming so common place that it is expected to surpass feldspar as the number one ingredient in the composition of the Earth’s crust. Pretty much every superhero known to man has been rendered in miniature form using plastic and that trend does not appear to be changing anytime soon.
04. Very tiny rocks – Also known as pebbles, these amazing objects are the short skinny kids’ only refuge in times of defense against bullies on the playground. Very tiny rocks can be thrown, sling-shot, used as trip devices, eaten for breakfast with a plate of raw wheat shafts, used to weigh someone down in water, or can be used to determine if a woman is a witch or not.
05. Dr Pepper – Ah, the most powerful and delicious of all the elements…often called ‘nectar of the gods” in Greek mythology, Dr Pepper grants extreme coolness and refreshment to those who partake of its magical powers.
06. Dirt – Often referred to as ‘earth’ because dirt sounds too dirty…this element is pretty much exactly how it sounds. Combine it with the element water and a new element is born called “mud.” Yeah, no one EVER wants to be the dirt superhero.
07. Electricity – Electro, Pickachu, Dr. Doom and Emperor Palpatine all use electricity as their weapon and the results are shocking. Obviously this element tends to be favored by the villains and a hero will rarely make use of electrical shock simply because lightning is so sporadic and random that often a hero will accidentally electrocute the very person he’s trying to save.
So, those are just a few of the power elements in this world, can you name others? Which are your favorites? Why? What would you use the powers to accomplish?
August 20, 2008
Olympic Dreams
Posted at 8:32 am
With the Games of the XXIX Olympiad ending this Sunday, we think back over the triumphs and defeats that have taken place thus far. We are relieved to know that the Redeem Team has thus far lived up to their name. We sorrow in the fact that our gymnastics team got beat by a group of 7 year olds. We think of Michael Phelps and his unprecedented 8 gold medals and 7 world records, but are even more shocked by his daily calorie intake. We frown upon China’s government as they keep a child hidden while she sings in the opening ceremony allowing another to get the glory simply because she’s not cute enough. We see an enormous number of foreign athletes who live and train in the US then compete for their birth country; so really, we win the medal count hands down.
Oh, and this is the last year Baseball or Softball will be considered as Olympic sports… So what makes a sport worthy of the Summer Olympics? Here are a list of a few less known sports that should certainly be considered as replacements for Baseball and Softball:
01. Tetherball – Ahh, the public schools’ favorite…The reason tetherball was invented was because Government Schools tend to have a lack of discipline and therefore the sports equipment would get stolen during P.E. So someone got the great idea to bolt a chain to the ball and the eventual result was tetherball, the sport that short people hate.
02. Foosball - The Olympics already have table tennis, why not table soccer? Foosball takes a keen whit and a quick wrist torque – as well as the ability to jab your opponent with the sliding rods.
03. Noodling – Because that would just be hilarious.
04. Four Square – The Olympic committee couldn’t argue with the budget requirements of this event. Ball, sidewalk chalk; line up all the competitors until someone remains king of the squares for a whole cycle, the whole sport could be finished in an hour.
05. Cricket – Yeah, maybe not.
06. High Dive Belly Flop Competition – give the big people an event…might have to install elevators on the platform though.
07. Grifball – Energy swords and gravity hammers on the huge LCD screen used in the opening ceremony…doesn’t get much better than that.
08. Chair Jumping – How many stacked patio chairs can you jump over into a swimming pool? Until it becomes an Olympic sport we may never know who the greatest is…in the mean time we will continue trying to not miss the pool for the sake of our skin, and the concrete.
What sports would you like to see in future Olympiads?
August 13, 2008
Martial Arts & Crafts
Posted at 10:45 am
Martial: 1. of, relating to, or suited for war or a warrior 2. relating to an army or to military life 3. experienced in or inclined to war.
Growing up in America, a child is almost guaranteed the opportunity to experience that wonderful pastime known to the literate world as ‘Arts & Crafts.’ Whether it be Preschool, Kindergarten, Sunday school, VBS, Cub Scouts, or any other such activity used to keep children quiet while we teach them things, arts and crafts are often a large part of our childhood development.
As with most things, arts and crafts tend to bring out the differences in people. In more specific terms, arts and crafts bring out the differences between boys and girls in a profound and often creative way. Little girls draw pictures of flowers and rainbows and make hearts with dry pasta noodles and Elmer’s. Glitter is a must have and pink tends to be the color of choice for these young females. When possible, frilly things can be attached to the creation and often pieces of candy are included as part of the aesthetic in a metaphoric “visually sweet/literally sweet” visual composition that is juxtaposed on the already feminine art piece. When the craft is finished, little Suzie takes her craft home and gives it to her Mom and/or Dad. It hangs on the refrigerator or sits on the kitchen table for at least 3 months and everyone who sees it says “aw, how sweet.” (Although they rarely see the metaphor and are just saying it to be nice)
With boys the matter of arts and crafts is quite different, so different in fact that I submit to you that boys have developed a whole new category in the realm of arts in crafts or at least a new sub-category. This new genre is something I like to call ‘Martial Arts & Crafts’ as it pertains more to war and violence than it does to artistic endeavor. Boys try and tell a story with their art, Billy begins by drawing a simple stick figure because it’s easy and Billy wants to get on with the exciting part. Billy may accessorize his stick figure with swastikas, squinty eyes, Russian fir hats, or Jar Jar Binks depending on the decade Billy lives in. After the stick figure has been endowed with a persona of something Billy’s brain has recognized as pure evil, the war can commence. Bombs of glue and glitter rain down from the sky and land directly on the enemy figure as sound effects are provided by Billy’s extensive vocal library. With a few fast zig zag motions, the stick figure bursts into orange flames which then proceed to change every color Crayola could come up with. Suddenly knives in the shape of sea shell pasta begin to pile up on top of the stick figure that is no longer visible. The red crayon is about half the size it was when Billy started as it was used to coat the entire bottom half of the page. In the end it was a hard fought war but justice prevailed and Billy proceeds to relish his victory by staring at the garbled mess of art materials now covering his sheet of paper and eating all the candy he was supposed to use on the craft. If the teacher doesn’t intercept and throw it away first, Billy will show his masterpiece to his parents who may leave it out in the open for a day or two but will eventually finish the stick figure victim off for good by either burning it or burying it 10 feet into the earth.
And that is the difference between boys and girls.
August 6, 2008
Brady’s Top 9 Favorite Films of All Time
Posted at 9:34 am
Most of the time I tend to think that other people are much more interesting than myself and so today I will share The Top 9 (because everyone does top 10) Favorite Films of All Time of my friend Brady Pritchett. This list in no way reflects the views or opinions of the Stewart Adams Project or its affiliates and was compiled without Brady’s permission or prior knowledge. Trailers and links provided by the Internet Movie Database.
09. Three Amigos
This comedic tale of everyone’s three favorite artificial banditos gives us a unique and accurate look into the Mexican culture of the 1980’s. This movie makes Brady’s list not because of the brilliant performances by Steve Martin, Martin Short and Chevy Chase but rather because of this piece of dialog alone:
El Guapo: Would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?
Jefe: A what?
El Guapo: A “plethora.”
Jefe: Oh yes, you have a plethora.
El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?
Jefe: Why, El Guapo?
El Guapo: Well, you told me I have a plethora. And I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is. I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.
Jefe: Forgive me, El Guapo. I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education. But could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?
08. Evil Roy Slade
John Aston (Yes, Samwise Gamgee’s Daddy) stars as the meanest most cutthroat vile and detestable criminal the world has ever seen on film. You think Heath Ledger’s Joker was evil? Try Evil Roy Slade, he’s so evil they had to put it in his name. Parental warning: Slade cheats at poker, steals bank pens, kisses his female robbery victims (the pretty ones), carries a vast arsenal of weaponry, kills Bell Bing, and spreads HAVOC across the west.
07. Pride & Prejudice (the 5-hour A&E Version)
Few understand why a strapping young man with a crew cut and a Thundercats tshirt such as Brady would like a sappy boring made for TV chick flick. To be honest I don’t quite understand it myself, the film can basically be summed up in a few sentences: Some ugly sisters are desperate for husbands but even more desperate for husbands with money. Most men are jurks (yes, with a u) and all old people are match making busy bodies. Somehow there is a happy ending…at least for the characters, not so much for the audience who fell a sleep 2 ½ hours ago when the movie was half way over. Yes, Brady has lost many a man-card over this one.
06. The Dirty Dozen
There are very few movies that can make men cry, The Dirty Dozen is one of them, but I mean who didn’t cry? Jim Brown was throwing these hand grenades down these air shafts. And Richard Jaeckel and Lee Marvin [sniff sniff] were sitting on top of this armored personnel carrier, dressed up like Nazis… (Brady: [Crying too] Stop, stop!) And Trini Lopez…(Brady: Yes, Trini Lopez!) He busted his neck while they were parachuting down behind the Nazi lines…(Brady: Stop!) And Richard Jaeckel - at the beginning he had on this shiny helmet…( Brady: [Crying harder] Please no more. Oh Man! I loved that movie…). For the record, no men cried at the end of Sleepless in Seattle.
05. High School Musical
HSM did something for the Disney Channel that none of the other 10 thousand made-for-tv Disney movies had done…it actually became popular and made money. And why not? It is pretty much a cinematic revolution of epic proportions in Brady’s opinion. It’s hard to mess up a movie when it has Troy Bolton dancing and singing while playing basketball. The cheesy dialogue and over the top emotions are reminiscent of the classic Rogers and Hammerstein films but HSM easily surpasses them as the quintessential original Musical about High School students.
04. The Little Mermaid
The animated classic we all grew up on still carries the same inspiring themes that it did when we were kids…only now we understand what they are: Teenage rebellion to authority, immodest dress, fathers losing their tempers and becoming violent, octopusian witchcraft, falling in love with members of a different species…etc. etc. But hey! There were some really catchy songs, right? And what song could be better than Kiss the Girl? Right, there isn’t one…this song by itself qualifies the movie for at least 7 Oscars and a place on Brady’s top 9 favorite films list.
03. High School Musical 2
Ah, the sequel to a great movie that set cable tv viewership records when it first aired on the Disney channel. Using the same formula as the first film, High School Musical 2 is at least 7 times better than the original despite the fact that the entire film takes place during the summer when school is out…? Anyway, HSM 2 provided at deeper look into the romance of Troy and Gabriella as they finally realize they love each other and kiss at the end of the movie. Filled with more of those catchy songs that make Brady want to dawn a tiki princess costume and punch dance out his rage on a golf course…HSM 2 is more of what made HSM so great, whatever that was.
02. High School Musical 3: Senior Year (Theatrical Teaser Trailer)
Although HSM 3 has not yet been released, Brady has seen the preview trailer. So why would Brady put a less than 2 minute promotional video on his top 9 favorite films of all time list? The truth is that trailer by itself is better than 90% of everything else that has ever been shown on the silver screen. It’s got everything, Troy Bolton pumping his fist, that Sharpay up to her usual shenanigans, Troy Bolton grabbing his basketball jersey, Troy Bolton in a tux…yeah.
01. Napoleon Dynamite
It should come as no surprise to anyone that Napoleon Dynamite is at the top of Brady’s favorite films list as it should be on everyone else’s too. Brady saw this movie in the theater before anyone else knew anything about it and before it was ‘cool,’ therefore becoming a bona fide trend setter (I was there, so I can vouch for him). I don’t even have to mention how great this movie is, it is evident by the massive overuse of the movie’s quotes and dialog. The only way this movie will ever be dethroned is if Jon Heder signs on to make ND 2.
July 30, 2008
Internette Etiquette
Posted at 8:09 am
When we were all little kids we experienced the transition between babyhood (which includes infancy, toddlerness) into that phase of actually becoming a humanoid member of society. By this time our skills have increased greatly as we now know how to walk, talk and control our bodily functions…or at least some of us do. Having now reached this benchmark in our social and personal development, we begin to take on more and more responsibility in our place of residence. We are now required to use those walking skills to carry our dinner plates to the counter, use our new communication skills to say “Please” and “Thank you,” and can no longer get away with burping and spitting up after every meal…that is, unless your mom served Mr. Pibb at every meal – then it’s understandable.
If you’re like most kids at this age, you seem to be consumed by curiosity and the ‘wonder of it all.’ This manifests itself in a variety of ways such as the time when you first learned why you’re not supposed to touch a hot stove no matter how pretty it is, or when you first decided to eat dirt. In addition to the violent, dangerous and just outright gross things…we are also curious in regard to the regular day to day things we see our parents doing everyday on a day to day basis. At that age, no matter who we are, Daddy and Mommy are our heroes and we try to emulate everything they do in order to carbon copy their hero-esque qualities onto our own sense of being. So it is bound to happen that on some random day, the telephone happens to be sitting near you when it rings. Instinctively, you pick the phone up and answer it just as you’ve seen your mom do – “hewwo?” Then suddenly someone is talking to you, in rapid bursts of language they ask lots of questions yet there’s no one in the room. Dazed and confused you lock up and don’t speak another word, eventually setting the phone down while the voice continues jabbering. An hour or so later your Mom realizes that the phone has been off the hook and that call she was expecting has come and gone…several times. At this point your Mother decides to teach you telephone etiquette which entails how to speak clearing into the handset, take messages, leave messages and above all, say “Sir” and “Ma’am” based on our ability to recognize a person’s gender by their voice alone.
I say all this just to bring up the point of today’s modern communication medium, particularly online chat and email. It seems that the etiquette and respect we were taught to use when talking on the phone has not translated into the new medium, at all. I understand this could be because e-comm is still very young and standards for what is acceptable have not yet been determined. But it is also entirely possible that mass humanity has become less courteous in the realm of online correspondence due to the downward spiral of societal ‘giving a flip.’ So in order to help us remember what our Mom’s taught us about the telephone and apply it to email and instant messaging, I have complied a list of internet etiquette guidelines (which are really more like hard and fast rules of code and anyone found not abiding by them will be subject to the pangs of torture and humiliation) and general good advice when totting about the inter-web.
01. Use a real language, with proper grammar, punctuation and capitalization.
02. Use a language that the receiver understands.
03. When instant messaging, always provide links rather than saying “go check out this article in this section of the such and such website,” That statement tells the receiver nothing except that you don’t know how to use hyperlinks.
04. When forwarding a message, always delete all the previous email transaction text at the top of the page. Forwards get a bad rap because it takes 10 minutes to dig through and find whatever it is you actually wanted to send me.
05. ‘Reply to All’ is not always appropriate…there are some things I don’t want to know.
06. All caps and red text are to be used sparingly; basically only if you are selling something or are really angry.
07. One exclamation point is sufficient!! Trust me! You don’t! have to make people think you’re wired on caffeine all the time!!!!
08. Abbreviations are acceptable as long as they are not over used and as long as you’re not lying in using them…when has anyone ever actually been Rolling On The Floor Laughing?
09. Make good use of blind carbon copying, it allows your friends to spy on your correspondence without the recipient knowing about it.
10. There is no real winner in a poking war…
11. Humans who only use dial-up are people too.
12. Chatting via mobile merits the user at least 10% more forgiveness to misspellings and grammatical errors.
13. Just because you get an email with “I love you” in the subject line and an attachment that is an .exe file named ‘I’m a dangerous virus bent on devouring and corrupting your computer’s saved data and vital systems” doesn’t mean you’ve received a virus.
14. It is possible for Spammers to lie, just because you receive a message with the subject line: “Angelina Jolie dies in miscarriage” or “Police open fire on elderly in Iowa, want better pay” you aren’t required to open it.
Try these out and let me know how it goes…if you have more to add to the list please include them in the comments section.
July 23, 2008
Habitual Creatures of Habit
Posted at 9:10 am
Sometimes in life we sit wondering what will happen next. These wonderings often are derived from life changing decisions such as whether or not to adopt seven Korean children. But our minds are also affected by the mundane snap decisions that we don’t even consciously think about, such as what letter will start your next sentence. In many ways, these rushed choices made while we’re ‘thinking on our feet’ tell us more about ourselves than the huge major important ones. What we do and how we behave under pressure reveals the inner ‘we’ even if it’s a simple matter of deciding between paper or plastic at the grocery store.
Imagine if you will that you are standing in line to order at a fast food restaurant and there is a line of about 30 grumbling construction workers behind you when you step up to order. In this case your mind tells you that you need to hurry up because they’ve already been waiting for 15 minutes. In the rush of it all, you make a quick decision about what you want to eat without even considering if that’s what you really want to eat. So the question is, why is it that we don’t find ourselves constantly sitting down with our food and thinking “why did I order this?” The answer is we are habitual creatures of habit.
In most cases, you have eaten at the same restaurant before and have ordered the same meal before. So by forming a habit, we as humans can remove the thinking process in order to simplify our lives. In this way, we are spared the risk of making bad decisions because we’ve already thought them out and found success with them in the past. We simply repeated the same “good” decision over and over again and thus a habit is formed. Why fix what isn’t broken, right?
Well, there are also some negative sides to this habit thing. First of all, it retards exercise of the human thought process. Sure, it’s nice to not have to think about anything, but what is the overall affect on society? Are we systematically training ourselves to become dumber? Secondly, the incessant habit former stifles creativity by constantly doing the same things. Sure, deviating from the status quo is unfamiliar and scary but being creative requires us to take those risks and very often the rewards are infinite.
So be creative and break a habit this week, variety is the spice of life…so spice it up! Post your death-to-monotony stories in the comments section.
July 9, 2008
Fantasy World
Posted at 9:24 am
We as humanoids have always had an aspect of imagination in our minds’ eye that both dwells on and longs for all things contained within the realm of the fantastic, much like this sentence. We are ever striving to create a world of our own fashioning wherein we can sculpt and manipulate everything in it however we wish. This inner desire shared by humans could be explained by our inherent selfishness and humanistic perspective that fancies us as gods. Or it could simply be an outlet for creativity with which we entertain ourselves and others by mentally breaching the boundaries of the possible to explore that which is impossible.
So what would my fantasy world look like? In many ways it would be very similar to our own world and our time with a few hundred subtle differences. I won’t take the time to mention all of them but will attempt to sum up the overall feel of the world that is planet Stewart.
01. Dinosaurs would still be alive and would be hunted like deer, ridden like horses, and put in captivity in zoos.
02. Mosquitoes would be the size of basketballs and would be hunted to near extinction and no one would pity them.
03. Trees would always grow with convenient limb placement for easy climbing as well as universal cup holders.
04. Mr. Pibb would still exist but only to showcase the supreme might of Dr Pepper, no one would actually drink it.
05. I would be able to fly.
06. Lightsabers and assault rifles would be the customary 8th birthday present.
07. Instead of $1 per tooth, the tooth fairy is more like a tooth dragon and gives kids bags of loose diamonds that come out its nose.
08. Texas would have a purpose.
09. Pizza plants would be grown as the main crop in Australia.
10. Ligers would be bred for their skills in magic.
11. At any given moment, the world as we see it could be changed to an 8-bit graphical interface with 8-bit internal PC speaker sound. We could then throw fire boogers at each other after eating a magical flower.
12. Frisbee golf discs would have homing devices.
13. The Atlanta Braves would only have 15 players on the disabled list…I know, impossible right?
So there you have it, just a few things I would want in the fantastic land I created …in my mind. Would you want to live there? What are your own fantasy worlds be like?
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