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April 22, 2009

Movie Review: Twilight

Posted at 7:24 am

Preface

Twilight is based on the book with the same title written by Stephanie Meyer.  For our purposes here, I will be reviewing the movie alone…on its own merits (or lack thereof).  I have not read the book, so before you go off on a fan-girl soap-box about how great the book is, please keep in mind that I am not reviewing the book.  In addition to this, please also keep captive in your minds that this review is not a review of the “Twilight” franchise and in no way reflects the opinions of this writer in regard to any of the three sequels including but not limited to: New Moon, Eclipse, or Breaking Dawn.  Yes, it is highly unlikely that the pending movie adaptations for the sequels will garner any considerable difference in verdict upon their eventual release and subsequent review, yet I leave room in my heart and mind for the slight chance that those forthcoming films may in fact be decent.   Moreover, let it be understood that I do not fit the profile of this film’s target audience in that I am not a 13 year old female. Thus, I am less likely to become easily enamored with the film’s clichéd emotional devices that are supposed to make the viewer actually care about the characters. If anything, this should serve to provide my review with a more objective viewpoint but not necessarily the opinions that the filmmakers intended their target audience to hold…if that was even intentional.  I will also note that this review will not confront any technical issues of production or filmmaking aside perhaps from the actor’s performances.  The film meets acceptable standards for cinematography, music, editing, sound, lighting, etc. therefore this critique will focus primarily on the story, characters and underlying message.  Please be reminded that I am in no way profiting monetarily for my opinions and have not been compensated for an attempt to libel the Twilight film by any competing franchise including: Smallville, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Days of our Lives, General Hospital, Harry Potter, The Young and the Restless, Hannah Montana, Dora the Explorer, Barney & friends, the Wiggles, or Teletubbies.  Please remember also that this review is by no means exhaustive and is more or less a statement on a few key points regarding the film known as Twilight.  Yes, there will be a plethora of information that I do not address as it is unnecessary to my purposes.  If you wish to read a complete review of every aspect of the film without any details being left out, you might as well just watch the movie.  Bear in mind that I do not by any means recommend this course of action as it will likely prove disappointing for you as the viewer.  However, I do understand that there is a curiosity in the minds of the masses as to just how lame the film actually is, and it is that same bewonderment that led me myself to watch this epic fail of modern cinema.

A Brief Synopsis:

(Contains spoilers.)

Twilight begins with the heroin (no, not the drug, though she may have a similar effect on you) Bella, being forced to go live with her father in Forks, Washington because her mom’s new husband is a minor league baseball player and thus will be traveling a lot.  So being at a new school and being the kind of girl that walks around with a sullen disturbed attitude and a more homely-than-attractive appearance, Bella immediately makes a boy fall in love with her.  You later find out that he is a vampire, his name is Edward and that he only loves her because she smells good and he wants to eat her…trust me, there could be no other reason.  Because of this, Edward at first pretends to hate her and avoids her at all costs…except to sneak into her room at night and watch her sleep – yeah, not creepy at all.   Bella eventually realizes that there’s something different about Edward after he stops a speeding car with his bare hands, has skin that is cold to the touch, never comes out in the sunlight, and seems to be everywhere without any time for transportation.  Bella then seduces Edward into giving away his secret and Bella is not shocked in the slightest and shows no normal human emotion to this news.  Edward then takes Bella to meet his vampire family all of whom have made a life decision to show self control to not eat people by only feeding on animal blood.  But then a rival clan of vampires smell Bella and are determined to eat her because she smells so good.  Obviously Edward can’t allow this so he and his ‘vamily’ set in motion an epic plan to hide Bella which for some reason includes lying to her father by making him think she hates him.  The plan is an absolute failure and the evil vampire James captures Bella but then makes the cliché mistake of monologuing and toying with his victim which gives Edward time to get there and fight him.  Edward would have lost the battle and died had the good vampires not showed and ganged up on James in a completely unsportsmanlike display of 4 on 1.  They kill James and Edward sucks the vampire venom of James out of Bella’s wound in order to keep her from becoming immortal and powerful as the rest of them. 

A Pro

Twilight does an excellent job of showing the inner nature of man and his depraved state as evident in the vampire’s strong desire to kill and eat people.  The true heroism is portrayed as Edward’s family makes the conscious decision to resist this desire and live at a higher standard than those who kill humans without remorse.  The fallacy comes in when Edward is told to ‘find the will to resist’ and it is never explained where he found it. The obvious interpretation is that he found it within himself but this is contradictory to the initial premise that the desires inside him were to kill and eat people.  So having this circular moral reasoning only serves to raise the question of the source for his moral strength without ever providing an answer.  So in many ways, the Pro may actually be a Con.

A Con

The most blatant flaw found in Twilight is that the main character is just about the most unlikeable, selfish, uninteresting, plain and boring character to ever tarnish the silver screen.  As an audience member I could not relate or sympathize with anything she did and in many cases just wished she would take a long walk off a short pier.  Bella’s entire plot line is a weak attempt to replicate the Romeo & Juliet theme of forbidden love but without the motivation for the viewer to want her to have a happy ending.  The result is an onscreen romance that feels completely empty and meaningless because there is no empathy when something bad happens and no joy when something good happens.  It certainly doesn’t help that Bella is portrayed poorly by Kristen Stewart whose performance is often laughable.  This may be partially due to bad script writing, but Stewart’s deadpan emotionless act is ridiculous when delivering lines such as “you’re beautiful” (speaking of Edward) or “your skin is pale white and ice cold.” Once again let me remind you that it is irrelevant as whether or not this is how Bella was in the book, what works in print does not necessarily translate to film.

An Other Con

Twilight seems to be one of those films that just contains moments of absolute retardation.  These are the parts that make one wonder what the heck the filmmakers were thinking and you find yourself being a little embarrassed for even being seen in public while watching the movie.  According to traditional vampire lore, sunlight kills vampires upon contact.  In Twilight, Edward exposes his skin to sunlight and rather than exploding into a heap of ash, he glitters and shines like he’d been in a fight with a bedazzler and lost.  In another scene, when Edward stops an out of control vehicle with his bare hand, crowds of students are in the parking lot and watch the whole thing happen, yet no one questions the fact that the laws of physics were just defied and for some reason Edward is standing right in front of the car when he had just been standing on the other side of the parking lot.  In yet another scene, Jacob, an Indian friend of Bella’s family who is really a werewolf tells Bella that his dad gave him $5 to talk to her – what ensues is a lengthy staring competition between Jacob and Edward in a poor executed foreshadowing of the next film’s inevitable plot.

Is Twilight one of the worse films of all time? Certainly not, but it is definitely not worthy of the praise and hype it has garnered from those who have praised and hyped it.  The weak acting, poor writing and overall ridiculousness of the film label it as a high-quality B-movie at best and a solid 3.5 stars out of 10.

Stewart

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