The Stewart Adams Project

December 17, 2008

The Christmas Louse

Posted at 9:10 am

So it is one week until Christmas Eve…and all through the mouse, not a creature was stirring, except for a louse. For this particular louse had been abandoned by his fellow lice when their home was flooded with rain water. Now here he sits all alone, atop the mouse he has called home since he was hatched from a tiny egg. For the purposes of this story we’ll call this lonesome louse ‘Sean’ for his louse name is unknownst to the world and be only knownst by he, himself. Sean, being the intelligent little louse that he was, decided that his best course of action would be to leave the mouse and find his long lost louse family. Though Sean did think to himself that they were probably all either dead or insane but he didn’t mind, at this point company with a louse in any physical or mental state would be good company in Sean’s mind. So off the mouse he sprang, leaving behind his only known place of security with hope for the future and bewilderment for the present. Along his journey, Sean spied a ladybug coming down the path in front of him. At least 7 times his size, Sean was hesitant at first but by the time the two were within speaking distance, Sean mustered the courage to say, “Ay.” Confused, the ladybug stopped in its tracks and began looking around, eventually it spotted the tiny louse standing before it and stared blankly for a solid 3 seconds. Suddenly a terrible grimace appeared on the lady bug’s face and it jumped straight up into the air then landed on its back. Sean started to speak again but the ladybug started to ooze strange yellow goo from its sides. Pondering these unforeseeable events, Sean continued on his merry little way never knowing that he was an anomaly and that most creatures have never seen a solitary louse all by his lonesome. As the sun began to set, the camera crew following Sean got stuck in a sink hole so we don’t know what happened to the tiny louse from then on. All we can do is hope that Sean was able to survive to see his first Christmas. We can also read this story every year to serve as a reminder that Christmas miracles do happen, though it can’t be confirmed that they happen for louses.

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December 3, 2008

Black Friday

Posted at 8:51 am

I trust that everyone had a thankful holiday last week? If not, then quit being so selfish and greedy, it helps with the whole ‘being thankful’ thing.

And what better reason to be thankful than all the wonderful deals that come with Black Friday? Practically a national holiday, Black Friday is a magical beacon of savings in a tumultuous and dismal economy. Hoards of people unite by gathering in confined spaces to celebrate how content and thankful they are. The true human spirit is captured in these times of respect and tradition, as brothers and sisters reach out to one another and gladly give up their place in line to crippled old ladies. When the doors are opened, there is a pause as the shoppers marvel in awe of the event that they are about to take part in. There are smiles all around as the customers begin walking in, they stop for a second to shake hands with the store employees. Some even bring coffee and doughnuts for them because they had to be at work at 4:00 AM just so that humanity can experience this amazing sale. As the crowd walks calmly into the store, people are seen laughing and hugging as they first visit departments other than electronics. When finally arriving in the electronics section, no one takes more than 2 of the $50 portable DVD players, firstly because there are only 10 of them and someone else may like one, secondly because these people know that DVDs are a dying technology. When the purchases are made and the deals have been dealt, nobody ended up trampled to death or shot and killed. No one went home with a black eye or a limp.

But who am I kidding? This scenario is just not practical…

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November 12, 2008

Quills

Posted at 12:11 pm

At some point in world history, the quill was at the pinnacle of handwriting technology. Overcoming the conventional rudimentary methods for penmanship, the quill provided benefits such as ink storage (if ever so small) and finer lines for more readable script. More important than this, however, was the image that one portrayed whilst writing with a full and beautiful quill feather. It didn’t matter what a person wrote, it only mattered that they looked gorgeous whilst doing it. Frilled and puffy was the appearance of high society and thus, an elegant writing tool communicated an aura of wealth, power and intelligence to those with less extravagant writing utensils.

The same is true of society today, as evident in our recent election. People like the pomp and circumstance…to have their ears tickled. The underlying message is irrelevant if it “sounds good” or is praised by news outlets in full color and 1080p High Definition with 7.1 Dolby Digital Surround Sound. All moral issues aside, have we as a society truly become this mass of blundering idiots? Even an atheist with no basis for morality understands that socialism does not work; perhaps we have forgotten the past and are now doomed to repeat it.

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October 22, 2008

Flattery

Posted at 7:51 am

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Yet, when we eat imitation foods our stomachs become anything but flat. Whether it be imitation bacon bits, margarine, powdered potatoes, imitation vanilla extract, anything soy, imitation egg substitute, Pibb, dehydrated milk, Campbell’s chicken noodle soup or coffee creamer with no cream in it…each of these products has the common variable of only existing to serve as a cheap imitation of the real thing. With all the artificial ingredients and processing processes, these products are high in calories and cholesterol and will by no means grant your body with any form of flattery.

Research shows and history proves that 100% people whose diet consists solely of any one of the previously mentioned imitations will eventually die. If that’s not bad enough, other research indicates that at least 99.99% of all people who even sample one of these fake foods on a single occasion will also die. In addition to the side affect of eventual death, imitations will generate unseemly and unhealthy quantities of humanity by the addition of cankles to the end user.

The results are obvious and the research is indisputable, imitation is not flattering. So the next time you hear someone say otherwise, remember that you’re smarter than they are and you know what imitation really does to people.

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October 15, 2008

Finding A Wife

Posted at 10:28 am

Life throws many obstacles at us that in turn create challenges that are often times very hard to endure let alone excel at. Not the least of these is our personal quest to find true love. This quest is at least referenced in practically every movie ever made and in many circles, the conclusion of the quest is considered synonymous with adulthood. The fact of the matter is that finding true love is not the end of the story, rather it is the beginning. Once you’ve fallen into deep romantical love with someone, you then have to convince them that they should fall in love with you. This is easier said then done sometimes because who wants a relationship based on the fact that you were able to use charm and cunning to hide the person you really are inside? Being a guy myself, I will be sharing my own perspective since that is what I’ve been trained in. The truth is that you don’t deserve her, to you she’s beautiful, thoughtful, smart, etc. etc. and you’re just a dude. The match is stacked against you from the get go and you know it…probably more than she does. Since you took the initiative to fall in love first, the burden is on you to be sure you fell in love with the right woman.

Side note: When searching for a woman whom you wish to spend your life with in holy togetherness keep in mind these very important traits that you will want to take note of regarding your potential suitee:

01. Will her new initials spell a word? You know, like Allison N. Thelen, or Bethany R. Adams…only the best of wives bear this trademark so you’ll know she’s a keeper.
02. Is she just moderately hot? Moderately hot women tend to be less likely to leave you…I didn’t know this when I made my choice.
03. Is she symmetrical? One elf ear and one regular ear on the same head could mean trouble…
04. Does she use firearms with more accuracy and speed than you do? This could turn out bad for you in the end…
05. Does she think it looks good to paint wall outlets the same color as the wall it is mounted to? If so, run my friend…run.
06. Is she intelligent? But not too intelligent, because then she won’t give you the time of day.
07. Is she funny? If so then she is indeed a rare find.

Back from side note: The crux of the issue is that you’re gonna find a great woman eventually, hard part is that if she’s as great as you think she is, she’s probably already taken. Just remember, you have a bow-staff and he’s not as 6′ 7″ 240 lbs. as he looks.

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October 8, 2008

The Economy

Posted at 3:02 pm

We’ve been hearing a lot about the economy in recent fortnights and that’s simply because everyone is talking a lot about it. The U.S. is now closer to a sequel for the Great Depression than we ever have been before and everyone seems to be pulling out of the US economy except for Washington. Markets are plummeting and increased debt appears to be the only way out…I beg to differ, below I have listed a clear and concise plan to save our beloved economy and restore wall street not just to its former glory, but to a higher glory the world has never seen before.

01. Collect War reparations from Great Britain, The North, Germany, Italy, Russia, Vietnam, Japan, and Cuba.

02. Privatize all government run education. Sure, the government can contribute money to schools…but should have no amount of control over how it’s spent. Privatization will encourage competition therefore the quality of the schools will go up or they will close down, this will also raise students’ grades by ensuring that they are getting the best education possible. In addition to this, those who do not use the public school system won’t have to pay for it with school taxes.

03. Deport every illegal immigrant to either the Pacific or the Atlantic, they will then have to bear the cost of getting home or else swim home. It’s not hard to become a US citizen, if you can’t do it legally, you have no right to be here. Violators should also have to pay taxes for every year they’ve lived here, and children born in the US by illegal parents should not automatically receive citizenship.

04. Stop funding Japan’s military. At the end of WWII, the US made the hair brained mistake of telling Japan that we would protect them in times of war but they weren’t allowed to have a military for anything other than domestic use. So Japan’s economy is booming as they get all the benefits of our military without paying a cent for it.

There is still hope my friends, things can get pretty bad pretty fast…but with this plan America will be the financial center of the world once more. Just remember that no matter how bad things get, they can always get a lot worse.

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October 1, 2008

Body Temperature

Posted at 8:22 pm

At the moment I am sitting at home with an abnormal body temperature and an over active sneezing mechanism. Isn’t it interesting that when you get sick, your body instinctively heats up in a natural effort to kill the infection yet, every time someone comes down with a fever the first item of business is to lower the patient’s temp? I contend that we should start putting sick humans in stand-up ovens to speed the disease killing process the way nature intended. Of course the ovens would have to be tightly regulated to prevent to over-cooking of such patients and plenty of gatorade would have to be on hand to prevent dehydration. I know this idea will have its critics, but when you really think about it this procedure is no different than chemotherapy - only this won’t make your hair fall out, so it’s better. I expect that in the future every home in America will have their own personal human-cooker, colds will be a thing of the past and Kleenex would go out of business- just another way in which our world will have become increasingly paperless.

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September 24, 2008

Resume

Posted at 8:04 am

With today’s volatile job market being so…volatile, it would probably be wise for us to examine our resumes and add some much needed pazzazz to our professional image. When writing a resume one must create an hunger in the belly of the potential employer that may not…nay…cannot be quenched unless they hire you. “But Mr. Adams, how do I do it? My resume is just plain and boring and doesn’t stand out in the least!” Well kids, I have provided an example of such resumeic poetry below for your job hunting pleasure:

Stewart Adams
“All your wildest dreams are about to come true.”
stewartadamsproject@gmail.com
404-260-1318
_____________________________________________________________________________
PERSONAL

DOB: March 29, 1985
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Sex: Male
Gender: Man
Race: Faster than you
Marital Status = Yes

1996-2000 North West Cobb Youth Soccer League – Kicker…wait, weren’t we all kickers?
1997-2002 Boy Scouts of America – Highest Rank, most badges and straightest neckerchief.
1998 Built a sweet spaceship out of LEGOs, it was awesome.

EDUCATION

1985-2002 Home Schooled – Graduated top of my class with every available honor.
2001 Scored a 1600 on the SAT, back when a 1600 was good.
2002-2004 Kennesaw State University – Ruled Student Government with an iron fist,
Graduated with a 4.1 GPA and shook the President’s hand.

EXPERIENCE

1991-2001 FBUAS (Federal Bureau for Under Aged Spies) - was kicked out when I turned 18, organization rules.*
1996-1999 Residential Construction at the age of 11, working for $3.50/hr.
2006-2007 Valor Visual Media, Inc. – Visual Media-ist who dealt in all things visual and medial.

GOALS

I want to work for your company making millions of dollars each day for having to do very little actual work. I am a hard worker with large potential and keen wits that will be a tremendous asset to your company. Trust me, if you hire Stewart Adams, all your wildest dreams will come true.

*After reading, cover item with white-out provided with resume.

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September 3, 2008

A Boy Named Joe

Posted at 9:58 am

There once was a boy named Joe, but we’ll call him Jo for short. Jo was pretty much your average ordinary boy beside the fact that he was by far the coolest person in school, if not the world. Jo, though not necessarily the best looking human specimen, had been gifted with a body endoWed with pure pHysical talent…the kind that anorexic self image conscious people onlY wish they had. Jo could make hiS hair appear curly or straight depending On what suited him at the time. Jo had prehenSile toes and could hang upside down by thEm. Jo weighed 90.37 lbs. which is the precise atomic weight of awesome afteR it has been converted from Atomic Mass UnIts (AMUs). Jo was born with immunity to iocane powder due largely to the fact that he possessed 3 kidneys (that’s Trinitarian). Jo could also write left and right handed at the same time.

Despite Jo’s amazing abilities and God given gifts, he eventually became a martyr to himself. Every day Jo lived was anOther day that he could not live. Jo’s everything became nothing and yet his nothing was everything to him. Jo’s pain was his comfort and his delight was his agony. WithoUt killing anyone, Jo became a murderer; without saving anyone, Jo became a savior. Jo’s legacy will live on and will be forgotten all becauSe of an intentional accident.

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August 27, 2008

The Elements of Power

Posted at 8:42 am

In times of extreme peril it oft becomes necessary for a team of highly trained kung fu teenagers to call on the power of the elements in order to make the peril less perilous. The sacred elements give our heroes superhuman abilities as well as flipping sweet weapons and armor with which they decapitate the forces of evil. But what are these mysterious elements? I shall list a few of them for you:

01. Fire – This is by far the coolest of the power elements, even though it is the hottest. Fire is the element of choice for Johnny Storm, Wheeler the Planeteer, John Allerdyce, and…cremation. Combining heat, oxygen and fuel, fire is one of the more visually appealing power sources and always has a strategic advantage over gasoline based elements.

02. Water – Is also known as the girly element, despite the fact that water can douse fire, drown enemies and make tsunamis this element tends to be considered feminine and consequently it is not often picked by males. Gi the Planeteer, Mary Jane Watson, Squirtle and Aqua Man are all examples of this – even though Aqua Man is not female everyone knows his man card has been revoked.

03. Plastic – There are few things left in this world not affected by plastic…Michael Jackson is not one of them. Plastic is becoming so common place that it is expected to surpass feldspar as the number one ingredient in the composition of the Earth’s crust. Pretty much every superhero known to man has been rendered in miniature form using plastic and that trend does not appear to be changing anytime soon.

04. Very tiny rocks – Also known as pebbles, these amazing objects are the short skinny kids’ only refuge in times of defense against bullies on the playground. Very tiny rocks can be thrown, sling-shot, used as trip devices, eaten for breakfast with a plate of raw wheat shafts, used to weigh someone down in water, or can be used to determine if a woman is a witch or not.

05. Dr Pepper – Ah, the most powerful and delicious of all the elements…often called ‘nectar of the gods” in Greek mythology, Dr Pepper grants extreme coolness and refreshment to those who partake of its magical powers.

06. Dirt – Often referred to as ‘earth’ because dirt sounds too dirty…this element is pretty much exactly how it sounds. Combine it with the element water and a new element is born called “mud.” Yeah, no one EVER wants to be the dirt superhero.

07. Electricity – Electro, Pickachu, Dr. Doom and Emperor Palpatine all use electricity as their weapon and the results are shocking. Obviously this element tends to be favored by the villains and a hero will rarely make use of electrical shock simply because lightning is so sporadic and random that often a hero will accidentally electrocute the very person he’s trying to save.

So, those are just a few of the power elements in this world, can you name others? Which are your favorites? Why? What would you use the powers to accomplish?