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How The Oregon Trail Works
Posted at 9:34 am
01. When shopping for supplies, only buy bullets…spend all your money on this one item. Cash and coin won’t keep you warm at night where we’re going.
02. Immediately upon leaving town, go hunting.
Here’s a Bison.
03. Kill it.
04. Continue this process for about an hour until you’ve killed at least 50,000 lbs. of Bison meat.
05. Realize that you and your sons can only carry 200 lbs of meat…carry it back to the wagon.
06. Get bored with the actual game and repeat steps 2 – 5.
07. Die of dysentery.
August 11, 2010
The Evils of School Buses
Posted at 11:29 am
Fact: School buses are evil. Not the comical Saturday morning cartoon kind of evil, the violent abusive tie two cats tails together and throw them over a power line kind of evil…wait, you’re right – bad example. But seriously, what kind of cruel joke is it to have mobile stop signs? I really think it’s a school bus drivers’ goal to stop traffic at the worst possible places on the road. What’s worse is that the law requires motorists in the opposite lanes to stop if there is not a raised median. So that means if you’re on a 4 lane divided 
highway with a center turn lane and the bus stops in the right hand northbound lane, the lone moped driver in the right hand southbound lane has to stop…because children in line for school are notorious for wildly running across 5 lanes of traffic then doubling back in a wide arc in order to board the school bus.
It’s even worse when you’re on a residential road with no alternate routes and no subdivisions, so the bus stops every 20 feet to pick up one kid. This continues for several miles until there is a trail of cars behind the bus that you can no longer see the end of in your rear view mirror. With all this starting and stopping and not getting anywhere comes massive quantities of waste.
- Wasted time – Time is money and money is prosperity. School buses waste prosperity.
- Wasted fossil fuels – All those cars sitting there burning gas…No wonder America can’t gain energy independence – we have school buses everywhere.
- Carbon waste – Forget trying to save the trees – just get rid of the school buses and you effectively remove a sizeable carbon footprint.
But Stewart! Wouldn’t that just put more cars on the road and increase traffic? Yes and no. It would put more cars on the road but those cars cannot legitimately bring a full 5 lane highway to a complete stop.
The worst part is that we fund such a program as school buses with our tax dollars, whether we use the service or not….whether we have kids or not. So write your Congressman a letter – let’s end the evil that is public school bussing.
August 6, 2010
Video Harvest – Volume 19
Posted at 8:20 am
It seems like every time I post a video harvest, someone dumps fertilizer on the tilled soil of the internet and videos spring forth in droves….Anyway, have fun watching these.
This is why Americans don’t take Soccer seriously…and also just happens to be why they should.
Slow motion 1000 frames per second.
Tempus II from Philip Heron on Vimeo.
This basically happens to my family anytime we do fireworks…
Oh Cosmo Kramer, you are amazing.
Random chance caught on tape:
Another slow motion video, this time with Flame Thrower Vs. Fire Extinguisher. And also, some creepy scary dudes who kind of remind you of Deliverance.
Dancing Pigeons – Ritalin from Blink on Vimeo.
It wouldn’t be a VH without the newest Halo Reach video now would it?
I am equally jealous and scared – the perfect amusement park ride. Why doesn’t Six Flags have this?
Lastly, it’s a lot (I mean ALOT) like watching a train wreck.
August 4, 2010
Why I Want To Be Attacked By A Shark
Posted at 12:26 pm
So its Shark Week on the Discovery channel. Am I the only one who thinks it would be cool to be attacked by a shark? I’m not talking about a little Bonnethead…or even a full sized Hammerhead…I’m talking about a Carcharodon carcharias, also known as queen mother of all sea life, The Great White. Is this because I have a death wish? Is this because I am into self mutilation? No, and no. There are several conditions that come along with this desire of mine as listed here:
01. I would want to survive.
02. I would want to keep all my major appendages – it can eat hair and loose skin cells.
03. I would want to have full use of all my bodily functions intact, including joint mobility, all 5 senses, and organ functionality.
04. I would want a sweet scar, but not on the face.
05. A broken bone or two is okay as well as broken skin…but not mutilated beyond what is easily repairable.
06. The shark may live, but I’d want a piece of it to keep as a souvenir…some of its teeth, a dorsal fin and its tail should do it.
07. I’d want to feel limited/no pain…so maybe a full body epidural?
08. I’d want its next shark pup to keep and raise as a pet…which means I would also need a pretty big fish tank.
So yeah, if you can guarantee all that, I will volunteer. So…why? What are the advantages of being a shark attack victim?
01. How many people do you know who have survived a Great White Shark attack? Exactly.
02. It would be a great conversation piece at parties.
03. I could be used as a living visual aid when teaching children about the dangers of the ocean.
04. I could train the pup to catch fish for me.
Yes, so many reasons. ><^>
July 14, 2010
Fortune Smiles on the Rich
Posted at 9:33 am
Fact: Fortune smiles on the rich.
This statement would (and should) seem obvious to we as the American society, however many people take offense to this fact and hold grudges against those who take full advantage of its ramifications. It seems that when someone amasses large tracts of wealth, they are looked down upon by the less financially stable individuals of the world as if they don’t deserve their hard earned cash simply due the the fact that they are rich.
The problem contained in this conundrum may appear to some as circular reasoning with no solid basis and no simple resolution. This is true. What is also true is that the answer for these poor …fiscally challenged people involves circular reasoning as well. Simply put, if you want fortune to smile on you, get rich.
So now you have your assignment, but how should you best accomplish it? Here are a few helpful things you can do that have worked in the past but are by no means guaranteed to work again.
01. Sell rubber bands that have been molded into shapes.
02. Convince two other people to convince two other people to convince two other people to convince two other people to convince two other people to convince two other people to sell some random product.
03. Go out to your yard, pick up a rock, put it in a pet carrier and sell it for an inflated price.
04. Manufacture and sell plush animals with plastic beans inside them instead of stuffing.
05. Build a time machine, become a fireman and go to New York City on 9/11/2001.
06. Develop a computing tablet with fewer features than a cellphone or a netbook that you can’t use as a reading device in sunlight…convince the world that it’s magical and charge them through the nose for it.
07. Get a job.
08. Build a chain of coffee shops and sell coffee at 10x the cost to make it, consistently lose at taste tests, and run your business model on the basis that you have a cool company name, which isn’t even original.
June 30, 2010
July 4th Day
Posted at 10:08 am
This Sunday marks the 233rd birthday of the Untied States of America and to celebrate this occasion I will provide a brief timeline of the dates and events that have made this country what is is today. May we never forget the past so as not to make the same mistakes in the future.
1763 – British military officers sang “Yankee Doodle Dandy” to shame the disheveled, disorganized colonial “Yankees” in the French and Indian War. This backfired however when colonists sang it in mockery after defeating the Lobsterbacks in the US revolution. The song was used once again by confederate soldiers during the war of northern aggression.
July 3, 1776 – The draft of the Declaration of Independence was finished.
July 4, 1776 – The Declaration was adopted and signed by the Second Continental Congress as well as Forest Gump’s Great Great Grandfather…Woody Glenn Gump.
1776-1783 – The British invade the newly independent U.S. but are thwarted by Mel Gibson and his tomahawk throwing skills. The French eventually show up after most of the fighting is over and attempt to take credit for defeat of Charles Cornwallis at Yorktown (aka Old York).
1951 – Gene Kelly attempted to enact revenge on the French by serving as a US spy under the guise of a dancing fool named Jerry Mulligan. However, all of Kelly’s spy work was caught on tape and released as a major motion picture titled “An American in Paris.”
December 25, 1896 – John Philip Sousa composed “Stars and Stripes Forever” which later became the official march of the USA and required memorization in high school band rehearsals everywhere. The march had the power to inject strong emotion in those who heard it therefore paving the way for Rock ‘N Roll and ultimately Mtv.
July 4, 1996 – As President, Bill Pullman recruits the talents of a drunk crop duster to fight against the threat of extermination imposed by an unnamed alien fleet that has invaded earth and is destroying her cities. His inspiring speech is still heard through VHS players everywhere today:
“Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night!” We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”
November 19, 2004 – The Declaration of Independence was stolen by Nicholas Cage using the surname Benjamin Gates in an expansive government conspiracy to prove that the free masons were the good guys.
As you can see, we as Americans have a rich heritage of violence, theft, and loud noises. Be an American this July 4 and celebrate by blowing stuff up with fire and creating booming sounds that jolt the continental shelf.
June 23, 2010
Babies
Posted at 10:09 am
Fact: Babies are ugly.
When compared to normal standards for attractiveness it becomes obvious and apparent that – not only do babies look nothing like the ideal visual human specimen, but they are in fact the furthest thing from it. This occurs in both sexes though is more apparent in the female variety due to the greater range of extremes. Since most men are also ugly, they don’t divert much from their original appearance when their bodies are introduced to age.
Here are just a few examples of why babies are ugly:
1. Double, triple, and quadruple chins.
2. Squinty, dark colored eyes.
3. General obesity, including rolls of fat covering whole body.
4. Baby Acne.
5. Very little hair.
6. Lots of missing teeth.
7. Scary “Alien” style belly button.
8. Loose, saggy skin.
9. Jaundice.
10. General resemblance to a gelatinous blob of mush.
So what is it that makes these babies so hideous?
P.S. My wife is expecting our first, it is due sometime next February/March.
June 9, 2010
Squash
Posted at 10:51 am
So I’m not feeling especially inspired to write this fine day. This is with a marginal amount of reasonable doubt – due to the fact that I, being wholly inhibited by sleep depravation and the burning of the candle from both ends, am tired man.
However, rather than just melting away into my own private solace of reclusive gnomehood and completely ignoring you, dear internet…I have posted this picture of a squash that I found on Google images:
And it’s all because I love you so much.
June 4, 2010
Video Harvest – Volume 10
Posted at 10:32 am
No Commentary, just watch…
Hair Conditioner from Jonathan Gurvit on Vimeo.
June 2, 2010
Oil Leak
Posted at 10:44 am
Hello internet, I am back from vacation…did you miss me? Last week I had the pleasure of seeing and swimming in the Gulf of Mexico just before it’s about to be changed to the Gulf of Texaco (Yes I know its BP, not Texaco…but BP didn’t rhyme).
The most tragic part of this whole oil leak deal is not what the media has been telling you, though those points are admittedly tragic.
It’s not that:
1. Miles and miles of ocean habitat is being damaged.
2. Gallons and gallons of usable crude oil is being lost.
(Regarding above, I find it funny that Democrats and Republicans are now 
united on an issue, but for different reasons.)
3. Offshore drilling will never happen.
4. New standards and regulations will be introduced to prevent this from happening again and fuel costs will skyrocket.
5. Nuclear fission car engines haven’t been invented yet which would offset the need for fossil fuels.
6. The moon has not been terraformed to offset the human impact on the Earth’s ecosystem.
7. They are now asking James Cameron for advice on how to fix it, due to his experience with underwater filming. (not even joking)
No, the most tragic thing is…that all this will happen and Lady GaGa will still be popular.
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