The Stewart Adams Project

March 10, 2010

OnStar

Posted at 10:12 am

Fact: OnStar provides subscription-based communications, in-vehicle security, hands free calling, turn-by-turn navigation, and remote diagnostics systems throughout the United States and Canada.

At first glance, this service appears to be something that could be very useful to various driver groups and classes.

-The forgetful driver – who is constantly locking their keys in the vehicle.
-The mechanically challenged driver – who is constantly forgetting how to start their vehicle.
-The hand-eye coordinationally challenged driver – who is constantly running their car off the road and crashing into things.
-The unaware of their surroundings driver – who is constantly having their car stolen.

But how much privacy and freedom are we willing to give up in order to compensate for these issues?

Apart from the fact that Onstar always knows your vehicle’s location, they also have control over your vehicle’s normal functions. Onstar is currently running a commercial showing how they remotely controlled a stolen SUV and forced it to pull over by activating the brakes and cutting the engine. So what happens if the system malfunctions or someone on the remote end pushes the wrong button?

I’m sitting in my brand new Onstar enabled SUV cruising down an empty street. Suddenly my car cuts off and its brake bring me to a dead stop without my pushing the brake pedal. The speaker in my dashboard crackles to life as a voice says “Stewart C. Adams, you have been selected as an accidental death candidate. Rest in peace.” The speaker shuts off and suddenly I feel the whole car move – as the realization hits me that I am positioned on a draw bridge over a deep river. I reach over to open the door but it is locked and the control button is unresponsive, as is the window control. I beat on the window as hard as I can but it is too strong. I now feel the lightness in my stomach like riding a rollercoaster as the SUV plummets into the icy water. No one can hear my screams for help and the horn and headlights aren’t working as I try to get a signal out. I am now dead. All the vehicle’s functions have been re-enabled and the investigation finds no evidence of my carefully executed murder.

Sure, it sounds like something out of a Harrison Ford film…until you consider that Onstar would actually have such capabilities if they so chose to use them for that purpose. But then you might say “But they’re a private company, they aren’t going to kill off their customers.” A logical idea…until you remember that Onstar is a subsidiary company of General Motors who’s majority share holding is now owned by the United States Government.

OnStar is watching you…

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February 24, 2010

Figure Skating is Nascar On Ice

Posted at 11:17 am

The 2010 Olympic Winter Games seem to be quite popular this time around despite the fact that they are being held in Canada. This is most likely due to the fact that Shaun White landed his Double McTwist sandwich on a victory lap after his first run was scored higher than everyone else’s combined scores. It could also be because people like to complain and dish on the amazing sport that is Curling, where women compete to see who is the best at sweeping the floor. The third and final all conclusive reason for the popularity of the Olympics this year is that a man died while traveling 88 mph (The same speed at which time travel is possible) in training for the Luge. Though tragic and sobering, this turn of events has drawn a massive amount of attention to the winter games. Which brings me to our main topic of discussion…

Figure skating is exactly like Nascar. Cloaked under the guises of “Art Form” and “Athletic Sport,” figure skating is comprised of about 123 seconds of fluff and amateur level moves and about 7 seconds of masterful intense action – which is really all the audience came to see anyway. Watching a dude in spandex tights skate around the ice in sweeping arcs with arm movements in sync with the music is about as boring as watching stock cars drive around an oval 500 times. Like Nascar, many viewers of ice skating really only care about seeing amazing feats of skill as well as the occasional crash. In reality, figure skating routines should take a fraction of the time if they were simply a long chain of awesome toe-loop-jump-double-salchow-flip-triple-lutz-tripple-axel-toe walley-half loops. Which brings me to my next point, if this were the case, it would be much more clear cut who was the winner and who was the loser. Since most people wouldn’t even be able to finish their routines, the judging would become much less subjective – i.e. prejudiced in favor of their own country. When the difference between Gold and Silver is a tenth of a point because one judge doesn’t like euro-pop music, the system is broken.

And so my friends, I propose a new sport to serve as a replacement to the traditional flavor of figure skating. Routines last 10 seconds and start at the top of an ice ramp. The skater gains speed and does as many tricks as possible within the time limit. If he or she completes a certain level of difficulty and doesn’t die, they are awarded a gold medal. We can call it Stewart Skating…but fear not people who still wish to see the hum drum boring non-sport version of figure skating, you can still see it at the Ice Capades and Disney on Ice where it belongs.

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February 22, 2010

The Investigator

Posted at 9:19 am

Originally posted February 18, 2009.

_________________________________________________________________

It was another rainy night in Roswell. It’d been a long day and everything around me seemed to be in a dank and dismal state, with colors turning into grayscale before my very eyes. I sat at my desk, the sound of the ceiling fan whirring above me and the plinking of precipitation hitting the roof above that. As I slouch in my chair I tilt my fedora back on my head and contemplate what my next action should be. I ultimately decide that a drink would be appropriate for such an occasion and am then forced to think about whether whiskey or coffee would be more suited to pulling me out of my lackluster. As my mind wonders onto tangents regarding the consequences and benefits of mixing stimulants and relaxants, there is a soft knock at my office door. I pull out my pocket watch; ‘10:23 pm,’ long past visiting hours by anyone’s calculations yet I remain here in my chair none the less. I should go home and sleep…yet that would require me to walk through the rain, I hate it when my socks get wet… My mental wonderings are again interrupted by a knock at the door, this time a little quicker, just a slight bit louder and with more desperation behind it. Curiosity fills my imagination and begins to overpower my tightly grasped desire to be left alone. Realizing that I had left a light on and the blinds on my window open, I decide that my visage was easily visible from the street below and I would not be able to hide in pretending I was not in. “Enter” I say with a slight rasp clothing the edges of the lonesome syllables. With a slow and arduous creak my office door swings open…I need to lubricate those hinges to prevent further auditory torture in the future, but I know as long as it’s on my time it will never be done.

My attention is then focused on my guest, a slender figure hidden beneath an overcoat dripping with rainwater. Turning back toward me after closing the door, the visitor confirmed my suspicions as her face shone in the light of my desk lamp, yes, she is a woman. My stomach churned inside me as she removed her hat and made plain the fact that she was indeed a girl of unquestionable beauty…the very thing I had been dreading. While most would consider this good fortune or at the very least a bonus to brighten my previous state of being, not I, for I know the implications of the situation. I had already played it over in my head…she would take a seat and begin telling me all about how the mob was after her and that she’s pretty sure they murdered her husband though she has no evidence. She’ll say she has no money and will eventually shed a few tears all with the hope that I will pity her and become her pro bono private investigator. Despite the fact that I know all this will happen I also know that there is no way I will be able to resist her. I will end up nearly getting myself killed, might lose my license and will then have the mob after me, all this just to be a hero for a beautiful girl. When it’s all over I’ll get a kiss on the cheek and she’ll say “you’re a great fella,” she’ll turn around and I’ll never see her again.

So there I sit, staring into her sparkling, frightened eyes, I can see the path that’s before me and I know it is the road I will take despite the less than favorable outcome. Playing along with what I already know she’s going to say, I offer her a chair. But then something happens that shakes up my entire decision making paradigm. Rather than taking a seat and telling me about all of her misfortunes and how she’s at the end of her rope, she walks around my desk, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers in a low, mellow tone: “All your base are belong to us.” At that moment I hear the bang of the gun firing but do not feel the resulting pain until several seconds later. The last thing I remember was me lying on the floor looking under my desk toward the door. I watched as the woman walked through the door and the skin of her ankles changed to a scaly green color, then everything faded to blackness. –July 7, 1947

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February 17, 2010

The iPad

Posted at 3:10 pm

As you may have heard already, Apple is releasing a brand new tablet device unfortunately named the iPad. Steve Jobs is touting this new piece of hardware as ‘magical’ as it will attempt to compete with reading devices such as the Amazon Kindle as well as the ever popular Netbook PC. Let’s go ahead and throw out any fanboy loyalty we may have for either system and take a completely objective and unbiased look at the pros and cons of the iPad in comparison to its competition.

iPad: “Hi, I’m an iPad.”

Netbook: “And I’m a Netbook.”

iPad: “I can only run one program at a time, if you want to view pictures, or type out a grocery list…you have to stop listening to music or surfing the web.”

Netbook: “I don’t have that feature…”

iPad: “I can watch movies as long as they are downloaded wirelessly or synced through a computer and will fit on my 16GB, 32GB, or 64GB flash memory (btw, we charge you $100 more for each memory upgrade).”

Netbook: “I can use an external DVD drive to watch DVD movies and have unlimited storage space by way of external hard disk drives. The high end Netbooks have as much as 320 GB internal storage with the average being over 100 GB.”

iPad: “I can stream YouTube videos by way of the YouTube app…but don’t have support for flash on web pages.”

Netbook: “Whoa…really? So no Hulu, no flash games like Kitten Canon or Farmville? No blip.tv embeds? No flash based web animation? You do realize that 97% of what’s cool on the internet requires flash right?”

iPad: “Ahem, moving on…I have an on screen keyboard that has no tactile feedback and takes up half of the screen.”

Netbook: “I come with a real keyboard built in.”

iPad: “I have access to the Apple App Store…which can already be obtained with the iPhone.”

Netbook: “I can install and run real programs with full feature sets that aren’t limited to the fact that I’m an iPad.”

iPad: “I have no external connection ports except for a 30-pin proprietary USB connection used for syncing and charging. So I can’t attach any peripherals unless they are specifically designed for me.”

Netbook: “I can use practically any USB peripheral, and often have VGA ports and memory card readers.”

iPad: “I have up to 10 hours of battery life.”

Netbook: “Depending on the model, I can get up to 15 hours of battery life.”

iPad: “My cheapest model costs $499.”

Netbook: “I average around $300.”

iPad: “I have the apple logo on my back.”

Netbook: “I definitely don’t have that…”

iPad: “I have a 9.7” backlit display so when you’re reading it’s like staring at a computer monitor.”

Netbook: “You know the Kindle has the same size display but it is specially designed to look like paper and be gentle on the eyes without glare.”

iPad: “…I’m like an iPhone, but bigger so that you can’t carry me around in your pocket and without the Phone part.”

Netbook: “So basically you’re telling me that you’re not useful as a cell phone, a laptop or a reading device?”

iPad: “No, I couldn’t possibly be saying all three of those things, that would be multitasking and I can’t do that.”

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February 15, 2010

Singles Awareness Day Revisited – Revisited

Posted at 10:32 am

In the spirit of vain repetition and pure laziness on my part, I am re-posting last year’s Valentines blog post for your nostalgic enjoyment.

_________________________________________________________________

When it comes to singleness, there are two polar extremes that dwell on the teetering edges of the bell curve. On one end, you have hermits, consistent feminists, and Bill Gothard – people who are to remain single for their whole life. Some are content to be here with little desire to even go on a date that could cause them to become romantically involved with another person. While others are angry…so very angry…and hate everyone and everything so much that no one wants to be near them and/or they can’t find a person they hate little enough to be interested in. In many cases, these people are already married to something else that A) takes up all their time, B) has made them rabidly bitter toward even the idea of finding true love, or C) both. This ‘something else’ could be almost anything…a career, a celebrity obsession, a hobby, playing Halo for days at a time, etc.

At the other end of the bell curve we have those people who are absolutely terrified of the concept of being single and do everything in their power to get as far from single status as possible. Here dwell the traditional Mormons, wealthy Sheiks, the Smurfs, and King Solomon who, consider love to be more a symbol of success than a delicate emotion. To most of these people, a relationship is just another achievement (bleep bloop) on their resume of social and interpersonal prosperity.

But since most of us hang out somewhere between these two extremes, this is all I’ve got to say:

For the single Ladies: Don’t worry about a thing, the man of your dreams is going to find you soon…sweep you off your feet and carry you away to his castle whilst singing “Kiss de girl” and riding upon his magical unicorn. He will marry you and love you forever with an undying passion the likes of which this world has never seen. But, in the meantime…embrace your singleness and have a very joyous Singles Awareness Day.

For the single Gentlemen: I have put your message in binary code:

0100011001100101011011000110110001100001011100110010110000

10000001001001001000000110010001101111011011100111010000

1000000111001001100101011000010110110001101100011110010

0100000011010000110000101110110011001010010000001100001

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0011011101000010000001110111011000010110111001110100011

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0000011000110110111101101101011011010110010101110010011

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1101000110100101101111011011100010000001101111011001100

0100000011010000110111101101100011010010110010001100001

0111100101110011001000000110001001111001001000000110111

0011011110111010000100000011000110110010101101100011001

0101100010011100100110000101110100011010010110111001100

1110010000001010110011000010110110001100101011011100111

0100011010010110111001100101011100110010000001000100011

0000101111001001000000110100101110011001000000110111001

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11100000111010001101001011011110110111000101110

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February 3, 2010

Disney Princesses – Part 2

Posted at 11:51 am

In continuation of last week’s article, I now give you Disney Princesses – Part 2 as indicated by the title above. This week we will take a look at the four remaining Disney Princesses and how they are poor role models for young girls and altogether bad for society as a whole.

06. Jasmine – Here we have a young girl who is constantly disobedient to her father (who is also sultan btw), who runs away from home on a regular basis, wears hammer pants, and rather than pursuing a relationship with an upstanding member of society (who just so happens to be rich, handsome and royalty), she decides to go for the ruffian punk kid who steals for a living and is commonly known as a “street rat.” By today’s standards, this degenerate would be accurately known as “drug dealer.” Since when is it okay to tell little girls they should aspire to marry a street rat when they grow up?

07. Pocahontas – The only of the Disney Princesses that is actually based on a historical character, Pocahontas is everything the real Pocahontas was not. The real Pocahontas was about 10 years old when she saved John Smith’s life, she did not know him prior to the encounter and never had any kind of ongoing relationship with him. She also did not worship talking trees and was baptized as a born again Christian after marrying John Rolfe in 1614. But I guess its okay to completely deface a historical figure and add fiction to his/her story if it means box office sales.

08. Mulan – Ah, the Chinese woman who looks like a man. So much like a man that her gender was never questioned throughout months in a military training encampment. The ultimate example of feminist role reversal, Mulan gives the audience the impression that all men are idiots and women are the best at fighting giant hulking Huns. If only the Huns had sent their women to invade China, then they would have won.

09. Tiana – Also not a real princess until she marries a frog, Tiana is an American living in New Orleans in 1912. Wearing a princess costume for a masquerade ball, Tiana is mistaken as a real princess by a frog who just happens to be a prince from a country that still has a monarchy. Since I have yet to see “The Princess and The Frog,” I will not comment further regarding the negative aspects of the film or its “princess.” If you have seen the movie, feel free to add input in the comments section.

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January 27, 2010

Disney Princesses – Part 1

Posted at 8:21 am

Disney has a tried and true method for developing many of their classic characters – A beautiful princess that goes through many a trial but ultimately ends up with a handsome prince charming. It’s a rubber stamp formula that is often cliché and repetitive, but it works. To quote the only animated film ever nominated for Best Picture: “If it’s not baroque, don’t fix it.”

But has anyone ever really taken a critical and admittedly cynical look into the lives of these Princesses? Little girls love them because they wear Drancy Fesses, women love them because they are “strong,” and guys love them because they are “hot” and “rich” (everything a man wants his woman to be). But what really lies under the skin deep beauty and initial appeal of these characters? Let’s analyze them, shall we?

01. Cinderella – Not really a princess at all except by marriage, this little girl is everything she is because of other people. She was a slave because of her step mother and sisters, she was made into a fake princess by her fairy god mother, she was rescued by her animal friends and she was made into a real princess by the prince. Basically Cinderella doesn’t even really exist except as a shell entity that is swayed and moved by whichever way the proverbial wind is blowing.

02. Snow White – Allegedly the fairest maiden in the land, Snow White obviously lived in a land where standards for feminine beauty were extremely low. With her pale white skin and plain features, Snow looks like one who has some kind of unshakable disease. Based on her general attitude and the fact that she eats poisoned fruit received from an obviously shady old woman, it is clear that Snow is not the brightest bulb on the strand.

03. Aurora – Also known as Sleeping Beauty, this princess was given an unfair advantage at birth. Bestowed with super human beauty and singing skills by the fairies Flora and Fauna, has no one realized how superficial these gifts are? What good would beauty and singing do the kingdom if Aurora had turned out to be pure evil? How about something like ‘the gift of wisdom’ or ‘the gift of purity’? I guess the scale of what makes a good princess is measured only by how she looks and sounds.

04. Belle – Belle is a clearly disturbed small town girl who falls in love with a creature of another species. Enough said.

05. Ariel – Filled with teen angst, this half fish girl strives to be something she’s not…a woman. This is displayed by Ariel’s constant rebellion to her authorities, her whiny sel-fish (ha!) attitude and the fact that she’s half fish.

To be continued…

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November 11, 2009

Dharma

Posted at 10:51 am

Greetings and salutations my dear readership. I would like to take this moment of your day to apologize for having not written for the past 3 weeks. I wish I had some great excuse like the fact that I contracted the H1N1 “Swine Flu” virus and spent the weeks sitting idly in quarantine at a state of the art government facility…however, that would only be the partial truth. That part about me sitting idly was a lie. I spent the days mostly being strapped to a table and experimented on by so called “scientists” who wore bright yellow radiation suits and spoke to each other in some kind of code language that entailed guttural beeping and chirping noises. Performing invasive surgeries every morning at 10:42, my captors seemed to be looking for something amongst my organs. Initially I thought that they may be individually cleansing my internal body parts in an effort to rid them of the H1N1 infection. My theory was soon consumed by the fires of common sense reminding me that picking up a living person’s pancreas and scanning it with a green light and then putting it back into the body doesn’t necessarily cure infections. That is unless the government scientists had developed a brand new swine flu killing green light scanner device that contains technology that has not yet been released to the public. A third option could be that I was heavily drugged and only thought I saw evil doctors scanning my organs with a green light in a state of the art government facility. Of course, I’m only assuming that all this happened to me over the past three weeks and that the scientists also had the technology to erase my memories and replace them with memories if me getting laid off, having to find a new job, getting a new cell phone, getting a new car and filming a video of me getting crushed by falling rocks in a wooded glen. Silly government scientists, they could have picked a more convincing story.

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October 7, 2009

Love and Atomic Bonding

Posted at 9:35 am

Relationships can be categorized metaphorically by using the 3 methods of atomic bonding that exist in nature. Sure, it’s extremely geeky and uber science-esque but helpful and factual none-the-less. There is a reason why they call the way humans interact romantically, chemistry.

Atomic Bonding #1 – Covalent Bonding

This is the type of bonding where two or more atoms are brought together by a sharing of their valence electrons. By filling in gaps in their atomic charges, each atom becomes more stable and therefore develops a strong link to the other. One atom’s lack of electrons is balanced out by the other’s abundance of them – the positive and negative charges find equilibrium and both atoms benefit from what could be termed a symbiotic relationship…if only atoms where actually alive. This is an example of a pure, efficient and working relationship. Both individuals are wholly intact and the strengths of each compliment the other to form an intimate oneness and a mutual benefit to both. Neither attempts to change the other, they are simply perfect for each other and were obviously created for that purpose.

Real life examples: …

Atomic Bonding #2 – Ionic Bonding

With Ionic bonding, atoms with strong charges bond with other atoms by gaining and losing their valence electrons. For example, atom #1 has 7 valance electrons and meets up with an atom that has only one. The first atom has a much stronger pull and so it takes the electron from atom #2. By doing this the first atom becomes negatively charged (since it just acquired a negatively charged particle) and consequently, the second becomes positively charged (since it just lost a negatively charged particle). The two opposite charges are then attracted to each other (see basic magnetism) and the bond is complete. In this case, individual A must first change something about individual B, before the attraction can be made. This is often a very painful process and can take years to perfect if two people are stubborn enough. In other cases, a person gladly gives up a part of themselves for the good of the relationship.

Real life examples: 97.45% of all romantic relationships.

Atomic Bonding #3 – Metallic Bonding

Metallic bonding is often referred to a sharing of free electrons in an electron sea. Basically some metals bond to other metals simply because they are there. Often metals are bonded by external means such as hammering and intense heat. This type of bonding occurs when two people are together and there is no one else around. This is why every time a man and woman are stranded on a deserted island together, they always fall in love even if they hate each other in the beginning. Pain and beatings (like fire and hammering) tend to speed this bond and the more persecution there is, the more in love the couple will fall.

Real life examples: Beauty and the Beast, Petruchio and Katherina , Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’hara, Shrek and Fiona, etc.

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September 30, 2009

Mindless Mindless Mindless Repetition

Posted at 8:06 am

The following is a critical dissection of the pop song “I Gotta Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas. This particular tune is currently being vastly overplayed on Top 40 radio stations across the country and has confirmed beyond all reasonable doubt that song writing and music as an art form have all but vanished into the dark abyss of mindless repetition. Some of the lyrics have been softened so as not to seem crass or offend any of our younger readers, after all this is a family website.

Black Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Feeling”

Chorus:

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling, woohoo, that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling, woohoo, that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night

V. 1

Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like oh my gosh
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get off

I know that we’ll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just loose it all
I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And losing all control

Fill up my cup
Mozoltov
Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again

Let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it
And do it and do it, let’s live it up
And do it and do it and do it, do it, do it
Let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it.

Chorus

V. 2 – Repeat V. 1, No joke.

V. 3 – Which is really more like a bridge with key and tempo changes so that the listener can hurry up and get back to the meat of the song…the chorus.

Let’s live it up
Lets do it…
Here we come
Here we go
We gotta rock (Rock rock rock rock)
Easy come
Easy go
Now we on top (Top top top top)
Feel the shot
Rock it, don’t stop (Stop stop stop stop) – Um, yes please?
Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock

Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, and Thursday
Friday, Saturday
Saturday to Sunday – Nothing like randomly throwing the days of the week into a song…this is top notch lyric writing people.

Get get get get get with us
You know what we say
Party every day
Pa-pa-pa-party every day

Chorus (x2)

Conclusion:

Just because you put the word ‘good’ in a song 32 hundred times that doesn’t mean the song inherits the meaning of the repeated word.