The Stewart Adams Project

 

July 1, 2009

Creatures Of The Wilderness

Posted at 6:52 am

      What you are about to read is both tragic in nature and hilarious in faculty.  Our story begins at the end, for the image shown below is in fact the result of the events that transpired and not the cause of them. Said events occurred prior to the image’s creation and subsequent distribution throughout the whole of the inter-web.Creatures of the Wilderness       There was once an young woman whom we will refer to hereafter using the alias of “Bethany Adams.”  Though Bethany was indeed the fairest matron in the land – outfitted with keen wit, intellect and cooking skills to boot, she was plagued by an incomprehensible phobia that normal everyday things were not as they appeared.  This phobia has yet to be classified as a medical condition and is currently explained as a mild case of often temporary insanity that causes one to believe common everyday objects to be something other than what they are.  Bethany’s condition was first made apparent on a bright sun shiny day as she was moving a curtain in her dining room.  Unbeknownst to her, a gentleman (with rugged good looks) had left his two-foot construction level propped against the wall near said curtain.  In a turn of fate, Bethany’s rustling of the fabric caused the leveling tool to tip over and fall to the floor.  Bethany’s heart raced as she jumped a solid 2’ vertical whist emitting a high pitched squeal that almost gave her husband a heart attack.  Rushing over to her, Bethany’s husband quickly acted to see what was wrong but unfortunately the tool had already changed back from a mouse, into a level.  In a mood of relieved hysteria Bethany insisted that she thought she was being attacked by a mouse – her husband was so deeply troubled upon hearing these words and having the stark realization of his wife’s condition that he began laughing uncontrollably.

      In another instance, Bethany was jogging on a trail that circled a pond next to her office building.  As her footsteps made contact with the ground, Bethany glanced down just in time to see that she was about to step on a bird!  Attempting to adjust her stride  while letting out a yelp of surprise, Bethany stopped and turned to see if she had crushed the poor little bird underfoot or if she had managed to avoid the collision and save the bird’s life.  Unfortunately we will never know the fate of the bird because by the time Bethany turned around, it had already mutated into a pinecone.

   Spontaneous Visual Object Reassignment (Temporary Strain) is a serious condition that happens to real people – not people who you think are people and later turn out to be mailboxes.  If you or someone you think you know suffers from this rare condition, please notify The Stewart Adams Project.  Your story will be logged and your apparitions added to the Creatures of the Wilderness list.  Together we can fight SVORTS and provide comfort and safety to those in need – while at the same time helping the economy by dumping large quantities of monies into the straight jacket industry.StewartSig copy2

Filed under Blog Entries | 4 Comments »

4 Responses to “Creatures Of The Wilderness”

  1. Bethany Says:
    July 1st, 2009 at 8:47 am

    Thanks for the alias there.

    And let it be known that when said mouse – er, level – tipped over, it proceeded to slide across the floor a few inches, and so the movement out of the corner of my eye was at the time completely unexpected and unexplainable, so the immediate assumption and obvious conclusion is that it was be a small rodent.

    In any case, I’m always happy to help the economy.

  2. Zachary Says:
    July 1st, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Would a gameboy turning into a mole and burrowing into your bed count?

  3. Roy Turner Says:
    July 8th, 2009 at 11:16 am

    I was reminded of a case of SVORTS when I was in Oklahoma. Although temporary it is also consistent, so I don’t know if that adds to a more severe strain of SVORTS. Basically, almost every time driving back to Bekah’s house at night from Norman she points to a certain water tower and comments on how pretty and big the moon is tonight. Which is closely followed by “aw, that’s the water tower, there’s the moon.”

  4. Bekah Says:
    July 8th, 2009 at 11:21 am

    Ugh.

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