The Stewart Adams Project

Quality Content for Quality People Who Appreciate Quality Content for Quality People

 

July 29, 2009

The Moat of Relational Distraction

Posted at 8:43 am

There is an unyielding, unshakable truth pertaining to relationships whose repeated failure of understanding has led to an extremely high divorce rate.  This truth may be summed up by stating that ‘men are inherently bad and women are equally evil.’  If this were not so, the visualization of the metaphor I am about to present would not exist due to the fact that people would be non-evil and thus unable to perform acts of evil upon those they have relationships with.

Imagine with me an enormous castle, its siege towers towering and its draw bridge bridging.  Its stacked stone design is both intimidating and beautiful with ornate archways and columns littering its overall architecture. The castle is surrounded on all sides by a moat, a ring of watery protection that forces a single entrance via draw bridge only.

Just then we see a young couple walking hand in hand down the pebble path toward the castle.  They are obviously in love and in the flower of their youth.  The young man is brave and handsome with excellent posture while the beauty of his beloved is unmatched in all the kingdom.  The lady’s flowing hair glides in the autumn breeze.  The couple are on their way to a royal ball and are dressed in the finest of linens.

As the two love birds approach the draw bridge the young man is suddenly enamored by the sight of the moat.  It was after all a rather awesome moat, complete with snakes, crocodiles and a beach full of perfect skipping stones.  As a means of impressing his fairest love, the man picked up a stone and skipped it off the surface of the water until it found a resting place against the wall of the castle on the other side of the moat.  The young woman clapped and cheered for her man’s feat of skill which urged the man on to escalate his performance.  Soon, the man is singing and dancing whilst throwing rocks at a sleeping crocodile. The woman holds her waist as she laughs to near tears at her love’s silly antics. 

Boom! In a flash the two people became silent and still as they looked at the now raised draw bridge.  They had missed their chance and were now locked out from the royal ball.  The young woman’s face turned from a smile to a frown, she threw her pointy hat on the ground and pushed the man backwards.  Realizing that he is about to fall, the man reached out grasping at anything he can get his hands on.  He finds hold on the woman’s left ear but the pain causes her to give in to his tug and the two people topple into the murky water. 

The crocodile that the man had pelted with rocks earlier lurched toward the struggling pair with its jaws snapping.  The people saw it and immediately started swimming in opposite directions with all haste.  The man swum toward the north end of the castle while the woman dog paddled in her dress toward the south end.  With each stroke the distance between the two increased until they could no longer see each other due to the curve of the moat.  In that moment, the Man was yanked under the surface never to be seen again.  On the other side of the castle a second crocodile that had not been part of the initial escape calculations overtook the young woman.  Her satin slipper is all that was ever found. 

StewartSig copy2

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July 22, 2009

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Posted at 9:36 am

Henry Peterman sat on his mother’s kitchen stool all alone.  His chubby fingers clutching at the cushioned seat and his feet dangling in legato movements though the small volume of atmosphere he was currently inhabiting.  Shut out from the world and everything around him, Henry was not even conscious of the loud siren blaring in the distance down the street from his house – let along the maelstrom of violence his moving legs were imposing on the Oxygen and Nitrogen molecules that surrounded him. 

If Henry’s mind could be photographed at this moment, we would see pure blackness contrasted only by a rectangle of colors and light at the center of the frame.  Each subsequent photo taken would be exactly the same in that respect and yet different somehow as though the contents of the quadrilateral shape were in motion.  Accompanying this image would be the sound of a low whirr and an unending gargle of bubbles garnished with the gentle flow of water. 

Henry had no concept of time in this state and was completely unaware that he had been in this trance for over 3 hours. All at once Henry was rushed back to reality as his mother walked through the door.  All the blackness in his mind was quickly replaced by the walls of the kitchen and his feet found the floor as he slid off the bar stool.  Turning around – still slightly shocked from the travel between realities, Henry looked at his mother.  “Henry” She said. “Come away from the aquarium and help me carry in the groceries.” Henry obeyed without a word and walked out to the car.  Just then, something in the glass fish tank caught Mrs. Peterman’s eye.  Leaning in to get a better look she let out a shrill scream that Henry heard from the garage. Running to aid her, Henry found Mrs. Peterman lying on the kitchen floor soaked with aquarium water and surrounded by blue pebbles, plastic plants, and hundreds of perfectly cut 1/2 inch squares of glass.  The fish were nowhere to be found.

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July 15, 2009

Die it.

Posted at 8:26 am

Let’s face it…food is good.  Though there are a few particular food products that do not appeal to me personally, on the whole, food is generally a pleasure to partake of.  I’ve never met a human who didn’t enjoy some type of food at some point in their lifetime (< not a plug for the cable channel).  Because we as people have determined that we like food, it has created an enormous market with an unending supply of demand (see what I did there?).  The more people eat, the more our supply is used up and therefore our demand for food increases as a direct result of food becoming more scarce because we ate it.

Food is like entertainment, it isn’t necessary to sustain life but does bring enjoyment and happiness to a person.  Sure, it’s be easier and cheaper to just have everyone eating their meals thru an I.V. – you could control obesity and make sure that everyone got the nutrients that their body needs.  Productivity would increase since everyone would have at least an extra 3 hours a day (more for housewives) that they aren’t spending to sit down and eat food.  Animal rights organizations such as PETA would have to do extreme downsizing if not shut down completely.  Hunting would become a civil duty to keep animal populations down and everyone’s teeth would be much healthier. Homeless people would never go hungry since the government will be able to supply everyone with I.V.’s using all the money they save from not paying for food.  As a result of not eating food, people’s other senses would become more acute and powerful to compensate for losing the sense of taste.  We’d be able to see better, smell better, touch feel better, and hear better. Kitchens would become unneeded as would expensive appliances and cooking equipment – every house in America would suddenly have an extra room.

Actually, this is starting to sound pretty good…

Eliminate food and you eliminate poverty, sickness, and the need for taste buds.  This new I.V. diet will be called “The Stewart Adams Cool People Eating Habit of Awesomeness and Strength” or the IV Diet for short.  The only downside is that billions of jobs would be lost and if you woke up in the middle of the night craving a ham and cheese sandwich, tough luck.  I can live with that…

StewartSig copy2

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July 8, 2009

Eye of the Beholder

Posted at 8:40 am

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, yet so few of us have actually seen the the inside of another person’s eye.  For me, myself, personally, I have been privileged with the benefit of seeing the inside of a cow eye during its dissection in elementary school.  I don’t by any means consider myself an expert on the subject of beauty but based on my assessment, there was very little beauty in the middle of that eye.  This is potential evidence for several possible hypotheses regarding the subject and subjectiveness of this thing we call beauty.

1. Beauty is only found in the eye of a human –  I have yet to confirm this theory due to the shortage of available human eyes whose owners would be okay with me delving in to have a peek.  From what I’ve read, there is very little difference between the human eyeball and those of cattle and if this be the case, our society’s entire basis for determining beauty is way off base. Models trying to make themselves look like the inside of an eyeball – how ever hilarious and entertaining that may be – would be gross and degrading to society.

2. Beauty is only found in the eye of the beholder – In this case, the only way for any of us to see beauty is to be looking into the eye of a person who is looking at beauty – which raises the question of where the original beauty came from and how it was able to be passed down through the ages until someone coined the phrase we are currently examining today.

3. Cows cannot see beauty – this theory is also supported by the idea that beauty is a subjective thing that can only be observed by an intelligent and conscious being.  That is of course unless your definition of beauty is simply something that you are visually attracted to…which in the cow’s case may be a tuft of weeds or the even more beautiful twice digested cud.

4. Beauty can only be seen by people who are not blind – It may sound obvious but I’m sure there are disability groups that would contend this point.  The idea that beauty is in the eye of the beholder completely removes people who don’t have eyes from the list of those who can rightly determine if something is beautiful or not.

Ugliness is everywhere, there seems to be no shortage of it, no matter where you go – you can always find something ugly.  Part of this may be attributed to the laws of entropy and the fact that matter and energy are in a constant state of decay and is becoming increasingly less usable.  Another way to explain it is to consider that beauty does not really exist and is simply a tool used by humanity to make us feel good.  Society benefits greatly from the idea of something “beautiful” because it is extremely marketable and people will pay big bucks for an escape from the ugliness of reality. Makeup, paints and fabrics may cover up this non-beauty but it is there nonetheless. Whoever said “beauty is only skin deep” was obviously ugly, and had no appreciation for healthy internal organs.

StewartSig copy2

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July 1, 2009

Creatures Of The Wilderness

Posted at 6:52 am

      What you are about to read is both tragic in nature and hilarious in faculty.  Our story begins at the end, for the image shown below is in fact the result of the events that transpired and not the cause of them. Said events occurred prior to the image’s creation and subsequent distribution throughout the whole of the inter-web.Creatures of the Wilderness       There was once an young woman whom we will refer to hereafter using the alias of “Bethany Adams.”  Though Bethany was indeed the fairest matron in the land – outfitted with keen wit, intellect and cooking skills to boot, she was plagued by an incomprehensible phobia that normal everyday things were not as they appeared.  This phobia has yet to be classified as a medical condition and is currently explained as a mild case of often temporary insanity that causes one to believe common everyday objects to be something other than what they are.  Bethany’s condition was first made apparent on a bright sun shiny day as she was moving a curtain in her dining room.  Unbeknownst to her, a gentleman (with rugged good looks) had left his two-foot construction level propped against the wall near said curtain.  In a turn of fate, Bethany’s rustling of the fabric caused the leveling tool to tip over and fall to the floor.  Bethany’s heart raced as she jumped a solid 2’ vertical whist emitting a high pitched squeal that almost gave her husband a heart attack.  Rushing over to her, Bethany’s husband quickly acted to see what was wrong but unfortunately the tool had already changed back from a mouse, into a level.  In a mood of relieved hysteria Bethany insisted that she thought she was being attacked by a mouse – her husband was so deeply troubled upon hearing these words and having the stark realization of his wife’s condition that he began laughing uncontrollably.

      In another instance, Bethany was jogging on a trail that circled a pond next to her office building.  As her footsteps made contact with the ground, Bethany glanced down just in time to see that she was about to step on a bird!  Attempting to adjust her stride  while letting out a yelp of surprise, Bethany stopped and turned to see if she had crushed the poor little bird underfoot or if she had managed to avoid the collision and save the bird’s life.  Unfortunately we will never know the fate of the bird because by the time Bethany turned around, it had already mutated into a pinecone.

   Spontaneous Visual Object Reassignment (Temporary Strain) is a serious condition that happens to real people – not people who you think are people and later turn out to be mailboxes.  If you or someone you think you know suffers from this rare condition, please notify The Stewart Adams Project.  Your story will be logged and your apparitions added to the Creatures of the Wilderness list.  Together we can fight SVORTS and provide comfort and safety to those in need – while at the same time helping the economy by dumping large quantities of monies into the straight jacket industry.StewartSig copy2

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