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April 16, 2009

News Lash: Woman Attacks Polar Bear

Posted at 9:38 am

polar_woman BERLIN, Germany (CNN) — A polar bear attacked a woman at Berlin Zoo Friday afternoon after she climbed a fence and jumped into its habitat during feeding time, police said Saturday.
One adult polar bit her several times after she plunged into the moat, police said.
Zoo workers tossed rescue rings toward the woman to hoist her out and distract polar bears swimming nearby, said Goerg Gebhard, a Berlin police officer.
At one point the woman fell back into the water and was grabbed by a bear before she was eventually hoisted to safety.
“They saved her life,” Gebhard told CNN.
The woman was severely injured and was being treated at a hospital, police said.
It’s unclear why the woman entered the bear habitat, but police issued her a citation for trespassing.
Berlin Zoo is home to Knut, the first polar bear to be born there in over 30 years. The bear became a huge talking point in Germany when his mother gave birth to him in December 2006.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/11/polar.bear.attack/index.html?iref=mpstoryview
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I just read this story and I realized that CNN got the story completely wrong.  Let me correctly state it:

Crazed Woman Attacks Innocent Polar Bear

BERLIN, Germany — On the afternoon of Friday the 10th in a zoo in Berlin, a rather large woman who isn’t very good at swimming somehow managed to defy the laws of physics and haul her body over the fence and into the moat surrounding the zoo-habitat of a poor kind polar bear. 
While the woman violently barraged the animal with verbal abuse, intimidating arm flailing, and high frequency vocal noises the benevolent polar bear bore it quietly. 
Zoo officials tried desperately to help the woman by throwing life savers and other gummy candies at her in the hopes that it might increase her buoyancy.  Despite their noble attempts it was the bear that came to her rescue with a couple of swift movements he was able to plop her back over the fence like a really really giant beach ball. 
The bear has received the Order of Schwarzenegger for his weight-lifting feat and the woman will be doing community service indefinitely.

-Aric Stoph
Associated Preposterous

                                                           aricsig

Filed under News Lash | 6 Comments »

6 Responses to “News Lash: Woman Attacks Polar Bear”

  1. Zachary Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 10:57 am

    That was awesome.

  2. Bethany Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 11:43 am

    That’s so weird. I can’t believe the life savers didn’t work….gummy candies always help me swim better.

  3. Zachary Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 11:47 am

    who commented using my name?

  4. Bri Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    I bet those bears were like “wow! the more I threaten this human the more candies I get!….”

  5. Murphy Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    Your version is way better than CNNs.

  6. Stewart Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    I think it’s pretty obvious that this woman was an agent of the Dharma Initiative and was clearly trying to kidnap the polar bear so she could take it back to her creepy island. No telling what kind of experiments would’ve been done to this poor creature had the woman’s plans not been foiled yet again by the cunning and genius of the moat. Or perhaps she just ate one too many fish crackers…her last name wouldn’t happen to be “Hurley” would it?

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