The Stewart Adams Project

 

April 15, 2009

Tax Day

Posted at 8:05 am

He comes like a thief in the night, causing utter misery and heartache for thousands – once a year on April 15. He takes up to 35% of your earned income and there’s nothing you can do about it. He is the Tax Man.

Taxes have always been an interesting issue in America since our independence as a nation was practically forced upon us in reaction to the insanely high taxes put on the colonials by England. “No taxation without representation!” was their battle cry as Americans stormed Boston harbor and implemented ransackery on vast payloads of imported English tea. In a well executed tactical operation, the Sons of Liberty single handedly spat in the face of King George while at the same time framed the entire race of Indians for the crimes of trespassing and destruction of property. Pure genius.

Today we are a little less heroic, we just let a computer program figure out what we owe and don’t think twice about where our money is going. Our biggest concern as Americans on Tax Day is ‘how much am I getting back?’ And since that tends to be the main concern I will leave you with some handy dandy tips for keeping your taxes low:

01. Become and Illegal immigrant. Sure, you might have to move to another country for a few years and establish citizenship there – then give up your US citizenship. But hey, Mexico isn’t very far away…and millions of Hispanics are already not paying taxes, so why should you?

02. Deal only in cash. This tends to be a little more risky since cash can be stolen and you will have no recourse with the law since you never claimed those “monetary gifts and tips” on your 1040. The plus side is that US cash also works in Canada and Mexico.

03. Invent your own charitable organization. This is as simple as coming up with a convincing name like “Stewart’s Charity of Love and Giving” to include on your tax form. If no one at the IRS suspects, you can basically write your own deductions.

04. Evade. This method for tax savings is simple in concept but a little harder in practice since you must become virtually invisible to the US government. You must not have your name on any paperwork anywhere. No social security number, no driver’s license, no phone number, no home address, etc. The best way to accomplish this is to become homeless and never talk to another human being for the rest of your life. Not the most ideal situation but these are tips for paying fewer taxes, not providing you with the highest quality of life.

Stewart

*Disclaimer: The Stewart Adams Project in no way, shape or form recommends or condones any of the aforementioned methods for not paying your taxes. These tips are to be used strictly as a means of entertainment and The Stewart Adams Project denies any and all responsibility for any persons actually practicing these methods. The Stewart Adams Project ‘S’ and stewartadamsproject.com are trademarks of The Stewart Adams Project © 2009, SAP.

Filed under Blog Entries | 8 Comments »

8 Responses to “Tax Day”

  1. Max Says:
    April 15th, 2009 at 8:55 am

    I like paying taxes because I like roads, infrastructure, tanks and fighter jets, where the other 95% of my money paid in taxes goes does bother me……..

  2. Brady Says:
    April 15th, 2009 at 9:02 am

    05. Run for Congress. You get to write the tax law and then not pay any cuz the law is to confusing.

  3. Stewart Says:
    April 15th, 2009 at 10:41 am

    06. Destroy an asteroid the size of Texas that’s on a collision course with Earth. It won’t be easy, but it’s been done before…just don’t forget to pack your all in one drill boring machine complete with mounted assault rifles, light-up skull gear shifter, and Buick-sized nuclear warhead.

  4. Blake Says:
    April 15th, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    You could pay in pennies too. It’s been done.

  5. Zachary Says:
    April 15th, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    paying taxes has always been hard for me
    (not)

  6. Rachael Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Or you could not pay at all and then when the IRS shows up with doubled tax rates, interest payments and some other obscure taxation nobody really knows the purpose, you could claim insanity. Since it seems to get people out of everything else they do wrong…

  7. Rachael Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 9:33 am

    knows the purpose of* ; )

  8. Bethany Says:
    April 16th, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    I’d like to propose that Stewart’s Charity of Love and Giving publish these and other tips concerning taxes and package it with a prison care package.

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