The Stewart Adams Project

Quality Content for Quality People Who Appreciate Quality Content for Quality People

 

March 25, 2009

Weathering

Posted at 4:42 pm

We’ve all experienced the elements at some point in our lives. It’s just a cold (then hot then cold again) hard fact of life that when you leave something outside for any extended period of time, the earth kills it. I can’t remember how many times I had left my dad’s tools out in the yard for days before finally remembering and hoping he hadn’t come looking for them. When I went back to get them they were not as they once were, if you know what I mean. After days of the sun beating down on them, then rain pounding their metallic finish, then wind cooling and grabbing at their oxidizing molecules, the shiny objects become dull, rusty and weak. This is what Earth does to things that move very slowly.

Let’s go even further, 10 years passes and the effects are seen everywhere. Rotting and composting turn useful objects into worthless piles of rot and compost. Dark materials are made into lighter colors due to bleaching by the suns harmful UV rays. Scientists and home depot sales people call this process ‘weathering.’ They fail to mention that how much they love weathering because it keeps them rich…..oh how I loath orange apron and unneeded back brace. Sic est porcus.

So imagine with me for a moment what would happen if Japan developed a device that could incur massive and rapid weathering upon the intended target. The science would be quite simple, just figure out a way to super accelerate the process of oxidation so that atoms loose their electrons more readily without causing a chain reaction that would spread beyond the targeted kill zone.

Imagine the good that could be done with this technology…landfills would all but vanish, whole forests could be turned into fertile potting soil in a matter of minutes, building demolition would be easy, and when you use the device on your neighbor’s yappy dog there is no evidence.

Of course you’d have your share of punk delinquent kids driving around oxidizing mailboxes but how is this really any different then smashing them with a baseball bat? I’ll tell you how it’s different: oxidizing is quieter, safer, doesn’t dent a perfectly good bat, and grants the mailbox owner with free potting soil.

Stewart

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March 18, 2009

Professionalism

Posted at 11:23 pm

In the relentless pursuit of stardom for Stewart on behalf of society as a whole I have undertaken the grave responsibility of improving my golf game.  As his agent this is no menial task for me as it is pivotal for securing deals and building professional relationships.  So, I started today.  

I played a game at Gordon Lakes here in Augusta, GA.  It is a beautiful course in a great golf town at a superb price.  A colleague and I rented a cart, light up some cigars (which, by the way, according to the surgeon general: are not a safe alternative to cigarettes and may also lead to lung cancer and related health problems)  and set out.  I’d like to take a moment to caveat that the Stewart Adams Project does not endorse smoking unless you are on fire and in that case strongly encourages taking appropriate action to extinguish said fire and/or call 911.  However, in the agent world it is a harsh reality, ‘nough said.

After talking with some experienced golfers to gather information I set a personal goal for myself of swinging in the mid-90s for a solid start.  After playing through I was very pleased with myself for achieving a score in the mid-80s!  I’ll skip the actual course of events, but come to find out that was for 18 holes, not the 9 I played.  I don’t think I will elaborate.

In all of this I did gain a few things:

1. A resolute commitment to get better.

2. Not giving up isn’t always the best thing.  People don’t like it when you try and hit a ball that is 2 feet under water when they are standing near you.

3. Yelling “fore” is a very good thing to do before you put a rocketing line-drive 3 inches over the roof of someone’s cart.

4. The beverage cart doesn’t run on Wednesdays.

5. Trees are golf-ball proof.

6. Before swinging, ensure the head of your club is not going to come off.

7. Remove your favorite fleece pullover before you turn in your cart.

With those things considered, it was a succesful trip.  Next time will be even better. Who wants to come with me?

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March 11, 2009

Mr. ;

Posted at 8:36 am

Good morning class, today we are going to explore the intricacies and nuances of one of my very favorite punctuation marks; a little friend of the literary world that I like to call Mr. Semi-colon.

The Semi-colon was first use by a Mr. Ben Jonson in 1591 after his 4th grade teacher had been constantly scolding him for not dotting his lower case i’s and j’s. In an extreme overcompensation, Ben decided to play it safe and dot every character in his paper in order to keep from repeating his past failure. Upon reading his paper, the teacher was immediately flustered by the boy’s excessive dotting but was suddenly calmed and even excited upon reaching Ben’s first dotted comma. It just seemed to fit so well as a means for pausing in a sentence; and thus, the Semi-colon was born.

Since that fateful day in 1591, the Semi-colon’s popularity has sky-rocketed to unimaginable heights. It is estimated that semicolons are used 6.023 x 10^23 times per day and are used in every English speaking country in the world. Now present in legal documents, federal laws, beautiful poetry, awards of recognition, and lots of other important stuff – the semicolon has become a household name in the realm of written language. It has not yet been confirmed but it is very likely that Mr. Semi-colon has been seen in space helping NASA pause sentences in the celestial canopy. Simple, elegant and more aesthetically pleasing than a comma, the semicolon is a much stronger punctuation mark yet doesn’t bear the brash abrasiveness of a full colon.

But it wasn’t always peaches n’ mustard for Mr. Semi-colon…even today he struggles with mis-use and very often is just left out completely. Competition with the full colon is harsh and you will rarely see a semicolon found in the title of a creative work such as a movie, book, or song. Mr. S came very close to breaking thru when Arthur C. Clarke titled his screenplay “2001; A Space Odyssey.” In the end, the producers decided that the world wasn’t ready for the film itself, let alone a film with a semicolon in the title.

Despite his setbacks, the semi-colon marches on ever ready to pause a sentence and give you a brief mental breather as you prepare to continue reading; for this Mr. Semi-colon, we thank you. You are and always will be first; second; and third; in our hearts; minds; and on our scratch paper.

Stewart

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March 4, 2009

Medieval Times

Posted at 5:13 pm

This past weekend I experienced something truly goodly…nay, I might even go so far as to say I experienced something spectacular. To begin with, I was served with a plate full of meat and bread by my very own meat and bread serving wench… and even though she was moderately fair to behold I could not convince the blonde fellow seated at my right to ask for her hand. He kept stating that he already had found his true love whom was seated at his right side. Regardless, I finished off my half a chicken and spare rib with two full pints of Pepsi and beheld the tournament of champions as they competed in hand to hand combat, awesomeness contests and the joust. I of course was seated in the Blue Knight’s section and therefore quoted the scene from The Cable Guy constantly throughout the evening…and what do you know, the Red Knight went down, down down down. During the show I got to see a real live Poopsmith in his natural habitat doing what it is Poopsmiths do…It was about this time that another wench tried to sell me an light-up rose, again I looked to my right suggesting that my dinner companion make the purchase as a token of his true undying love – not surprisingly, he said ‘No’ which only supports my theory that his love is a shallow loveless feeling not actually containing any love. Anyway, back to the tourney…(Spoiler Alert) the yellow knight kills the green knight and saves the prince who had only managed to get himself captured and really served no real purpose as a character in the story. Upon completion of the tourney, I was escorted to the throne room and knighted by the king himself. Harold the Herald, rang out a joyous proclamation on his trumpet and all the peasants rejoiced.

Stewart

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March 3, 2009

“Best Job in the World” Top 50

Posted at 10:09 am

Greetings my friends, as some of you may already know, IslandReefJob.com posted their shortlist of the top 50 candidate applications for the ‘Best Job in the World’ yesterday. As you may have noticed, my video submission was not included in this list…
Do not weep for me dear reader, I’m sure that Tourism Queensland wanted to promote a tight race and healthy competition for this job rather than have one lone candidate cleaning the proverbial clocks of the other 32,000 applicants. It would make for a pretty boring marketing campaign if the battle was decided before voting had even begun so for that I bear no ill will toward Kangaroos, Barrier Reefs, or the continent of Australia as a whole. I enjoyed making the video and I hope it brought Joy and warm feelings to all who partook of its radiant audio/visual glory.

Stewart

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