The Stewart Adams Project

Quality Content for Quality People Who Appreciate Quality Content for Quality People

 

February 25, 2009

TI-83

Posted at 5:15 pm

Hi, it’s me, your calculator. Yes, I know it’s kind of weird for you to be busily working and then suddenly be interpersonally communicated to by an inanimate object, not to mention an engineer-type inanimate object. But let’s face it, we have to talk…you see, I don’t think I’m being treated fairly through this arrangement. Sure it has it perks, I get free rides in your backpack, I get to make you laugh when you make pictures using math symbols, and I have the pleasure of knowing that I am infinitely smarter than you as evident in practically all your math exams.

Even these fluffy benefits however, are considerably outweighed but the horrible treatment I must go through on a day to day basis. For one thing, the endless poking has to stop. It’s embarrassing when someone walks past and there I am being poked by that terrible index finger over and over as if I were a baby. Sometimes when you’re nervous you actually inflict pain on my rubberized function button. I fear that soon the labels on my buttons will rub off and I will become useless in the purpose for which I was created. Part of this problem could be fixed if you would just store your programs and formulas in my onboard memory instead of using up all that space with your silly text pictures…the long in the short of it is that they are killing me, slowly. Also, please keep in mind that it is not my fault when you can’t remember the Pythagorean Theorem and throwing me across the room and into the wall does not help the situation.

Another thing you need to know is that girls don’t think it’s funny when you tell them your calculator can give them a TAN, chop LOGs, and forgive SIN…you’re essentially stating that you have no idea what those functions do and are confirming that you are officially un-datable if not certifiably insane.

So please, do your poor calculator a favor and help me help you. Always remember: pi is not 3.14, nine is really just a confused six, and above all, never drink and derive.

Stewart

Filed under Blog Entries | 7 Comments »

February 19, 2009

Island Reef Job Application

Posted at 7:36 am

Here is my application video for the “Best Job in the World,” for more info please visit islandreefjob.com.

Stewart

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February 18, 2009

The Investigator

Posted at 10:20 am

It was another rainy night in Roswell. It’d been a long day and everything around me seemed to be in a dank and dismal state, with colors turning into grayscale before my very eyes. I sat at my desk, the sound of the ceiling fan whirring above me and the plinking of precipitation hitting the roof above that. As I slouch in my chair I tilt my fedora back on my head and contemplate what my next action should be. I ultimately decide that a drink would be appropriate for such an occasion and am then forced to think about whether whiskey or coffee would be more suited to pulling me out of my lackluster. As my mind wonders onto tangents regarding the consequences and benefits of mixing stimulants and relaxants, there is a soft knock at my office door. I pull out my pocket watch; ‘10:23 pm,’ long past visiting hours by anyone’s calculations yet I remain here in my chair none the less. I should go home and sleep…yet that would require me to walk through the rain, I hate it when my socks get wet… My mental wonderings are again interrupted by a knock at the door, this time a little quicker, just a slight bit louder and with more desperation behind it. Curiosity fills my imagination and begins to overpower my tightly grasped desire to be left alone. Realizing that I had left a light on and the blinds on my window open, I decide that my visage was easily visible from the street below and I would not be able to hide in pretending I was not in. “Enter” I say with a slight rasp clothing the edges of the lonesome syllables. With a slow and arduous creak my office door swings open…I need to lubricate those hinges to prevent further auditory torture in the future, but I know as long as it’s on my time it will never be done.

My attention is then focused on my guest, a slender figure hidden beneath an overcoat dripping with rainwater. Turning back toward me after closing the door, the visitor confirmed my suspicions as her face shone in the light of my desk lamp, yes, she is a woman. My stomach churned inside me as she removed her hat and made plain the fact that she was indeed a girl of unquestionable beauty…the very thing I had been dreading. While most would consider this good fortune or at the very least a bonus to brighten my previous state of being, not I, for I know the implications of the situation. I had already played it over in my head…she would take a seat and begin telling me all about how the mob was after her and that she’s pretty sure they murdered her husband though she has no evidence. She’ll say she has no money and will eventually shed a few tears all with the hope that I will pity her and become her pro bono private investigator. Despite the fact that I know all this will happen I also know that there is no way I will be able to resist her. I will end up nearly getting myself killed, might lose my license and will then have the mob after me, all this just to be a hero for a beautiful girl. When it’s all over I’ll get a kiss on the cheek and she’ll say “you’re a great fella,” she’ll turn around and I’ll never see her again.

So there I sit, staring into her sparkling, frightened eyes, I can see the path that’s before me and I know it is the road I will take despite the less than favorable outcome. Playing along with what I already know she’s going to say, I offer her a chair. But then something happens that shakes up my entire decision making paradigm. Rather than taking a seat and telling me about all of her misfortunes and how she’s at the end of her rope, she walks around my desk, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers in a low, mellow tone: “All your base are belong to us.” At that moment I hear the bang of the gun firing but do not feel the resulting pain until several seconds later. The last thing I remember was me lying on the floor looking under my desk toward the door. I watched as the woman walked through the door and the skin of her ankles changed to a scaly green color, then everything faded to blackness. –July 7, 1947

Stewart

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February 11, 2009

Singles Awareness Day Revisited

Posted at 9:35 am

When it comes to singleness, there are two polar extremes that dwell on the teetering edges of the bell curve. On one end, you have hermits, consistent feminists, and Bill Gothard – people who are to remain single for their whole life. Some are content to be here with little desire to even go on a date that could cause them to become romantically involved with another person. While others are angry…so very angry…and hate everyone and everything so much that no one wants to be near them and/or they can’t find a person they hate little enough to be interested in. In many cases, these people are already married to something else that A) takes up all their time, B) has made them rabidly bitter toward even the idea of finding true love, or C) both. This ‘something else’ could be almost anything…a career, a celebrity obsession, a hobby, playing Halo for days at a time, etc.

At the other end of the bell curve we have those people who are absolutely terrified of the concept of being single and do everything in their power to get as far from single status as possible. Here dwell the traditional Mormons, wealthy Sheiks, the Smurfs, and King Solomon who, consider love to be more a symbol of success than a delicate emotion. To most of these people, a relationship is just another achievement (bleep bloop) on their resume of social and interpersonal prosperity.

But since most of us hang out somewhere between these two extremes, this is all I’ve got to say:

For the single Ladies: Don’t worry about a thing, the man of your dreams is going to find you soon…sweep you off your feet and carry you away to his castle whilst singing “Kiss de girl” and riding upon his magical unicorn. He will marry you and love you forever with an undying passion the likes of which this world has never seen. But, in the meantime…embrace your singleness and have a very joyous Singles Awareness Day.

For the single Gentlemen: I have put your message in binary code:
0100011001100101011011000110110001100001011100110010110000
10000001001001001000000110010001101111011011100111010000
1000000111001001100101011000010110110001101100011110010
0100000011010000110000101110110011001010010000001100001
0110111001111001011101000110100001101001011011100110011
1001000000111010001101111001000000111001101100001011110
0100100000011101000110111100100000011110010110111101110
1010010110000100000010010010010000001101010011101010111
0011011101000010000001110111011000010110111001110100011
0010101100100001000000111010001101111001000000111001101
1001010110010100100000011101110110100001101111001000000
1100001011000110111010001110101011000010110110001101100
0111100100100000011101110110010101101110011101000010000
0011101000110111100100000011101000110100001100101001000
0001110100011100100110111101110101011000100110110001100
1010010000001101111011001100010000001100100011001010110
0011011011110110010001101001011011100110011100100000011
1010001101000011010010111001100101100001000000110110101
1011110111001001100101001000000110100101101101011100000
1101111011100100111010001100001011011100111010001101100
0111100100101100001000000111011101101000011010010110001
1011010000010000001100111011010010111001001101100011100
1100100000011101110110010101101110011101000010000001110
1000110111100100000011101000110100001100101001000000111
0100011100100110111101110101011000100110110001100101001
0000001101111011001100010000001100100011001010110001101
1011110110010001101001011011100110011100100000011101000
1101000011010010111001100101110001000000100001001110101
0111010000100000011010100111010101110011011101000010000
0011001100110111101110010001000000111010001101000011001
0100100000011100100110010101100011011011110111001001100
1000010110000100000011101110110100001100101011011100010
0000011110010110111101110101001000000110010001101111001
0000001100111011001010111010000100000011000010010000001
1001110110100101110010011011000010110000100000011100110
1100001011110010110100101101110011001110010000001111001
0110111101110101001000000110010001101111011011100111010
0001000000111011101100001011011100111010000100000011101
0001101111001000000111001101110101011100000111000001101
1110111001001110100001000000111010001101000011001010010
0000011000110110111101101101011011010110010101110010011
0001101101001011000010110110001101001011110100110000101
1101000110100101101111011011100010000001101111011001100
0100000011010000110111101101100011010010110010001100001
0111100101110011001000000110001001111001001000000110111
0011011110111010000100000011000110110010101101100011001
0101100010011100100110000101110100011010010110111001100
1110010000001010110011000010110110001100101011011100111
0100011010010110111001100101011100110010000001000100011
0000101111001001000000110100101110011001000000110111001
1011110111010000100000011000010110111000100000011011110
11100000111010001101001011011110110111000101110

Stewart

Filed under Blog Entries | 9 Comments »

February 4, 2009

Nerd

Posted at 10:06 am

In recent months I have come to the realization that I am a nerd. I’m not so much a nerd in the Steve Urkel sense of the word as I obviously don’t wear cardigans over my suspenders and pocket protector. I am also unlike the type of nerd that comes in tiny hard candy form, though I am often thought of as being fattening and occasionally find myself inside a small box. No, my nerdiness stems from an overabundant knowledge of useless information as it may or may not pertain to the plausible world. So what are these clusters of impractical knowing? I have provided a list below and that in and of itself is one example. Please keep in mind that I don’t have to look any of these up, they’re just in my head – all the time.

01. I know how many gigawatts it takes to power the flux capacitor – the device that makes time travel possible.
02. I know the locations of all the warp pipes in the original Super Mario Bros. and have beat the game in less than 20 minutes.
03. I know the approximate distance from the surface of earth to the surface of the sun and that it increases every second.
04. I know who Billy Mitchell is.
05. I can quote most of Monty Python and the Holy Grail by memory and I’ve only seen the movie once.
06. I know what the mouth part of a snail is called.
07. I know that all starship battles taking place in space would be completely silent on the exterior because sound waves cannot travel through a vacuum.
08. I can find Area 51 on a map.
09. I know what a carcharodon carcharias is not.
10. I know why The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is the best selling book in the universe, ever.

These are just a few examples of why I am a nerd. The sad thing is that I don’t really feel shame for this fact and in some ways relish the title as I try to build association with the more intelligent/less socially inept of society. If you too strive to become a nerd and wish to know the same useless information I have mentioned here, I will provide the answers in the comments section for your reading pleasure.

Stewart

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