The Stewart Adams Project

Quality Content for Quality People Who Appreciate Quality Content for Quality People

 

December 17, 2008

The Christmas Louse

Posted at 9:10 am

So it is one week until Christmas Eve…and all through the mouse, not a creature was stirring, except for a louse. For this particular louse had been abandoned by his fellow lice when their home was flooded with rain water. Now here he sits all alone, atop the mouse he has called home since he was hatched from a tiny egg. For the purposes of this story we’ll call this lonesome louse ‘Sean’ for his louse name is unknownst to the world and be only knownst by he, himself. Sean, being the intelligent little louse that he was, decided that his best course of action would be to leave the mouse and find his long lost louse family. Though Sean did think to himself that they were probably all either dead or insane but he didn’t mind, at this point company with a louse in any physical or mental state would be good company in Sean’s mind. So off the mouse he sprang, leaving behind his only known place of security with hope for the future and bewilderment for the present. Along his journey, Sean spied a ladybug coming down the path in front of him. At least 7 times his size, Sean was hesitant at first but by the time the two were within speaking distance, Sean mustered the courage to say, “Ay.” Confused, the ladybug stopped in its tracks and began looking around, eventually it spotted the tiny louse standing before it and stared blankly for a solid 3 seconds. Suddenly a terrible grimace appeared on the lady bug’s face and it jumped straight up into the air then landed on its back. Sean started to speak again but the ladybug began to ooze strange yellow goo from its sides. Pondering these unforeseeable events, Sean continued on his merry little way never knowing that he was an anomaly and that most creatures have never seen a solitary louse all by his lonesome. As the sun began to set, the camera crew following Sean got stuck in a sink hole so we don’t know what happened to the tiny louse from then on. All we can do is hope that Sean was able to survive to see his first Christmas. We can also read this story every year to serve as a reminder that Christmas miracles do happen, though it can’t be confirmed that they happen for louses.

Stewart

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December 10, 2008

Spoiler Alert

Posted at 9:02 am

With the steady and rapid flow of information that is now at our fingertips anytime we want it, a new term has been birthed known as a ‘Spoiler Alert.’ In simple terms, a spoiler alert is a signifier put before a (usually) literary or creative work that the author/artist has determined to be sensitive material to some of those who wish to remain ignorant of its existence or details. In other words, for me to put a spoiler alert on this blog post would mean that I am putting forth information that the readers don’t want to know…yet, I write the blog post anyway? It’s like having a heard of cattle and asking if your entire town wants free steak, they collectively shout ‘No!’ (for whatever reason) but then you proceed to shoot and kill all the cows – without refrigerator space to hold all the meat.

Aside from the purely evil actions of the author for even posting such information, doesn’t some of the responsibility land on reader who strives to be more and more ignorant? If you’re reading a movie review…expect to read some details about the movie. If you’re so concerned about having the movie ‘spoiled’ then don’t read the article. People don’t seem to have any problems with watching movie trailers (the ultimate spoilers) but if you mention anything about how Titanic ends, people get all upset.

On the other hand, I can see how an avid movie watcher would want to experience the movie in person as a movie and not as black and white text penned by some nerd with a ninja turtles action figure collection. The cinematic experience is hard to duplicate on paper but I still contend that the reader cannot have his cake and eat it too. You can’t expect the world to cater to preserve your every little ignorance, you want to be sure a key plot twist never enters your brain? Then don’t browse film websites, don’t show up at the theater until after the previews, never talk to anyone, lock yourself up in your room, etc. Another option is to just enjoy the fact that you know what’s going to happen before your friends do.

Stewart

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December 3, 2008

Black Friday

Posted at 8:51 am

I trust that everyone had a thankful holiday last week? If not, then quit being so selfish and greedy, it helps with the whole ‘being thankful’ thing.

And what better reason to be thankful than all the wonderful deals that come with Black Friday? Practically a national holiday, Black Friday is a magical beacon of savings in a tumultuous and dismal economy. Hoards of people unite by gathering in confined spaces to celebrate how content and thankful they are. The true human spirit is captured in these times of respect and tradition, as brothers and sisters reach out to one another and gladly give up their place in line to crippled old ladies. When the doors are opened, there is a pause as the shoppers marvel in awe of the event that they are about to take part in. There are smiles all around as the customers begin walking in, they stop for a second to shake hands with the store employees. Some even bring coffee and doughnuts for them because they had to be at work at 4:00 AM just so that humanity can experience this amazing sale. As the crowd walks calmly into the store, people are seen laughing and hugging as they first visit departments other than electronics. When finally arriving in the electronics section, no one takes more than 2 of the $50 portable DVD players, firstly because there are only 10 of them and someone else may like one, secondly because these people know that DVDs are a dying technology. When the purchases are made and the deals have been dealt, nobody ended up trampled to death or shot and killed. No one went home with a black eye or a limp.

But who am I kidding? This scenario is just not practical…

Stewart

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