The Stewart Adams Project

 

September 24, 2008

Resume

Posted at 8:04 am

With today’s volatile job market being so…volatile, it would probably be wise for us to examine our resumes and add some much needed pazzazz to our professional image. When writing a resume one must create an hunger in the belly of the potential employer that may not…nay…cannot be quenched unless they hire you. “But Mr. Adams, how do I do it? My resume is just plain and boring and doesn’t stand out in the least!” Well kids, I have provided an example of such resumeic poetry below for your job hunting pleasure:

Stewart Adams
“All your wildest dreams are about to come true.”
stewartadamsproject@gmail.com
404-260-1318
_____________________________________________________________________________
PERSONAL

DOB: March 29, 1985
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Sex: Male
Gender: Man
Race: Faster than you
Marital Status = Yes

1996-2000 North West Cobb Youth Soccer League – Kicker…wait, weren’t we all kickers?
1997-2002 Boy Scouts of America – Highest Rank, most badges and straightest neckerchief.
1998 Built a sweet spaceship out of LEGOs, it was awesome.

EDUCATION

1985-2002 Home Schooled – Graduated top of my class with every available honor.
2001 Scored a 1600 on the SAT, back when a 1600 was good.
2002-2004 Kennesaw State University – Ruled Student Government with an iron fist,
Graduated with a 4.1 GPA and shook the President’s hand.

EXPERIENCE

1991-2001 FBUAS (Federal Bureau for Under Aged Spies) - was kicked out when I turned 18, organization rules.*
1996-1999 Residential Construction at the age of 11, working for $3.50/hr.
2006-2007 Valor Visual Media, Inc. – Visual Media-ist who dealt in all things visual and medial.

GOALS

I want to work for your company making millions of dollars each day for having to do very little actual work. I am a hard worker with large potential and keen wits that will be a tremendous asset to your company. Trust me, if you hire Stewart Adams, all your wildest dreams will come true.

*After reading, cover item with white-out provided with resume.

Filed under Blog Entries |

5 Responses to “Resume”

  1. Max Says:
    September 24th, 2008 at 8:36 am

    Impressive resume. I would hire you on the basis of your LEGO creation experience alone.

  2. Blake Says:
    September 24th, 2008 at 10:11 am

    I remember the spaceship. It was incredible.

  3. Bethany Says:
    September 24th, 2008 at 6:14 pm

    That’s one of the most eye-catching resumes I’ve seen.

    If you post your resume online, be sure to give it a great stand-outish title, like maybe “LEGO genius” or “Former FBUAS…if you don’t know what it means click here…”

  4. Brad Says:
    September 24th, 2008 at 7:28 pm

    You forgot to add “I got what it takes to give your company a kick in the assets!”

  5. Thomas Says:
    September 25th, 2008 at 12:29 am

    Most impressive, I just wish I had all that experience. Can you teach me in your ways?!

Leave a Reply