The Stewart Adams Project

Quality Content for Quality People Who Appreciate Quality Content for Quality People

 

September 24, 2008

Resume

Posted at 8:04 am

With today’s volatile job market being so…volatile, it would probably be wise for us to examine our resumes and add some much needed pazzazz to our professional image. When writing a resume one must create an hunger in the belly of the potential employer that may not…nay…cannot be quenched unless they hire you. “But Mr. Adams, how do I do it? My resume is just plain and boring and doesn’t stand out in the least!” Well kids, I have provided an example of such resumeic poetry below for your job hunting pleasure:

Stewart Adams
“All your wildest dreams are about to come true.”
stewartadamsproject@gmail.com
404-260-1318
_____________________________________________________________________________
PERSONAL

DOB: March 29, 1985
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Sex: Male
Gender: Man
Race: Faster than you
Marital Status = Yes

1996-2000 North West Cobb Youth Soccer League – Kicker…wait, weren’t we all kickers?
1997-2002 Boy Scouts of America – Highest Rank, most badges and straightest neckerchief.
1998 Built a sweet spaceship out of LEGOs, it was awesome.

EDUCATION

1985-2002 Home Schooled – Graduated top of my class with every available honor.
2001 Scored a 1600 on the SAT, back when a 1600 was good.
2002-2004 Kennesaw State University – Ruled Student Government with an iron fist,
Graduated with a 4.1 GPA and shook the President’s hand.

EXPERIENCE

1991-2001 FBUAS (Federal Bureau for Under Aged Spies) – was kicked out when I turned 18, organization rules.*
1996-1999 Residential Construction at the age of 11, working for $3.50/hr.
2006-2007 Valor Visual Media, Inc. – Visual Media-ist who dealt in all things visual and medial.

GOALS

I want to work for your company making millions of dollars each day for having to do very little actual work. I am a hard worker with large potential and keen wits that will be a tremendous asset to your company. Trust me, if you hire Stewart Adams, all your wildest dreams will come true.

*After reading, cover item with white-out provided with resume.

Filed under Blog Entries | 5 Comments »

September 11, 2008

Remember

Posted at 9:29 am

September 11, 2001

Remember, remember, the 11th of September.

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September 10, 2008

PSA: Atom Smashing

Posted at 4:07 pm

Have you or a loved one ever been adversely effected by the reckless smashing of a sub-atomic particle? If you’re not one of the 66 Billion people throughout history who has loved and lost an innocent family proton, you may be joining that statistic very soon.

“Today the first proton beam was successfully steered around the Large Hadron Collider accelerator ring at CERN in Geneva,Switzerland. Eventually two beams will be fired at the same time in opposite directions with the aim of recreating conditions a split second after the big bang, which scientists theorize was the massive explosion that created the universe.”

Personally, I see no profit in blowing up the earth…it is very bad for business. But what can you do? For one thing, you can sit down with your kids and have a serious talk about the evils of atom smashing…they are the future, and only they can prevent the pointless killing of atoms for future generations to enjoy.

Also, don’t take atoms for granted, they may only be with us for a short time. As atom populations become smaller and smaller…all we will be left with are our memories of these functional little pieces of matter and energy. Next time you’re tempted to smash an atom while it’s moving the speed of light, think twice.

This has been a Stewart Adams Project Public Service Announcement. To learn more about Atoms and Atom Smashing, visit the internet.

Stewart

Filed under Public Service Announcement | 4 Comments »

September 3, 2008

A Boy Named Joe

Posted at 9:58 am

There once was a boy named Joe, but we’ll call him Jo for short. Jo was pretty much your average ordinary boy beside the fact that he was by far the coolest person in school, if not the world. Jo, though not necessarily the best looking human specimen, had been gifted with a body endoWed with pure pHysical talent…the kind that anorexic self image conscious people onlY wish they had. Jo could make hiS hair appear curly or straight depending On what suited him at the time. Jo had prehenSile toes and could hang upside down by thEm. Jo weighed 90.37 lbs. which is the precise atomic weight of awesome afteR it has been converted from Atomic Mass UnIts (AMUs). Jo was born with immunity to iocane powder due largely to the fact that he possessed 3 kidneys (that’s Trinitarian). Jo could also write left and right handed at the same time.

Despite Jo’s amazing abilities and God given gifts, he eventually became a martyr to himself. Every day Jo lived was anOther day that he could not live. Jo’s everything became nothing and yet his nothing was everything to him. Jo’s pain was his comfort and his delight was his agony. WithoUt killing anyone, Jo became a murderer; without saving anyone, Jo became a savior. Jo’s legacy will live on and will be forgotten all becauSe of an intentional accident.

Stewart

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