The Stewart Adams Project

 

August 13, 2008

Martial Arts & Crafts

Posted at 10:45 am

Martial: 1. of, relating to, or suited for war or a warrior 2. relating to an army or to military life 3. experienced in or inclined to war.

Growing up in America, a child is almost guaranteed the opportunity to experience that wonderful pastime known to the literate world as ‘Arts & Crafts.’ Whether it be Preschool, Kindergarten, Sunday school, VBS, Cub Scouts, or any other such activity used to keep children quiet while we teach them things, arts and crafts are often a large part of our childhood development.

As with most things, arts and crafts tend to bring out the differences in people. In more specific terms, arts and crafts bring out the differences between boys and girls in a profound and often creative way. Little girls draw pictures of flowers and rainbows and make hearts with dry pasta noodles and Elmer’s. Glitter is a must have and pink tends to be the color of choice for these young females. When possible, frilly things can be attached to the creation and often pieces of candy are included as part of the aesthetic in a metaphoric “visually sweet/literally sweet” visual composition that is juxtaposed on the already feminine art piece. When the craft is finished, little Suzie takes her craft home and gives it to her Mom and/or Dad. It hangs on the refrigerator or sits on the kitchen table for at least 3 months and everyone who sees it says “aw, how sweet.” (Although they rarely see the metaphor and are just saying it to be nice)

With boys the matter of arts and crafts is quite different, so different in fact that I submit to you that boys have developed a whole new category in the realm of arts in crafts or at least a new sub-category. This new genre is something I like to call ‘Martial Arts & Crafts’ as it pertains more to war and violence than it does to artistic endeavor. Boys try and tell a story with their art, Billy begins by drawing a simple stick figure because it’s easy and Billy wants to get on with the exciting part. Billy may accessorize his stick figure with swastikas, squinty eyes, Russian fir hats, or Jar Jar Binks depending on the decade Billy lives in. After the stick figure has been endowed with a persona of something Billy’s brain has recognized as pure evil, the war can commence. Bombs of glue and glitter rain down from the sky and land directly on the enemy figure as sound effects are provided by Billy’s extensive vocal library. With a few fast zig zag motions, the stick figure bursts into orange flames which then proceed to change every color Crayola could come up with. Suddenly knives in the shape of sea shell pasta begin to pile up on top of the stick figure that is no longer visible. The red crayon is about half the size it was when Billy started as it was used to coat the entire bottom half of the page. In the end it was a hard fought war but justice prevailed and Billy proceeds to relish his victory by staring at the garbled mess of art materials now covering his sheet of paper and eating all the candy he was supposed to use on the craft. If the teacher doesn’t intercept and throw it away first, Billy will show his masterpiece to his parents who may leave it out in the open for a day or two but will eventually finish the stick figure victim off for good by either burning it or burying it 10 feet into the earth.

And that is the difference between boys and girls.

Stewart

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One Response to “Martial Arts & Crafts”

  1. Brady Says:
    August 13th, 2008 at 11:52 am

    So true.

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