The Stewart Adams Project

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August 27, 2008

The Elements of Power

Posted at 8:42 am

In times of extreme peril it oft becomes necessary for a team of highly trained kung fu teenagers to call on the power of the elements in order to make the peril less perilous. The sacred elements give our heroes superhuman abilities as well as flipping sweet weapons and armor with which they decapitate the forces of evil. But what are these mysterious elements? I shall list a few of them for you:

01. Fire – This is by far the coolest of the power elements, even though it is the hottest. Fire is the element of choice for Johnny Storm, Wheeler the Planeteer, John Allerdyce, and…cremation. Combining heat, oxygen and fuel, fire is one of the more visually appealing power sources and always has a strategic advantage over gasoline based elements.

02. Water – Is also known as the girly element, despite the fact that water can douse fire, drown enemies and make tsunamis this element tends to be considered feminine and consequently it is not often picked by males. Gi the Planeteer, Mary Jane Watson, Squirtle and Aqua Man are all examples of this – even though Aqua Man is not female everyone knows his man card has been revoked.

03. Plastic – There are few things left in this world not affected by plastic…Michael Jackson is not one of them. Plastic is becoming so common place that it is expected to surpass feldspar as the number one ingredient in the composition of the Earth’s crust. Pretty much every superhero known to man has been rendered in miniature form using plastic and that trend does not appear to be changing anytime soon.

04. Very tiny rocks – Also known as pebbles, these amazing objects are the short skinny kids’ only refuge in times of defense against bullies on the playground. Very tiny rocks can be thrown, sling-shot, used as trip devices, eaten for breakfast with a plate of raw wheat shafts, used to weigh someone down in water, or can be used to determine if a woman is a witch or not.

05. Dr Pepper – Ah, the most powerful and delicious of all the elements…often called ‘nectar of the gods” in Greek mythology, Dr Pepper grants extreme coolness and refreshment to those who partake of its magical powers.

06. Dirt – Often referred to as ‘earth’ because dirt sounds too dirty…this element is pretty much exactly how it sounds. Combine it with the element water and a new element is born called “mud.” Yeah, no one EVER wants to be the dirt superhero.

07. Electricity – Electro, Pickachu, Dr. Doom and Emperor Palpatine all use electricity as their weapon and the results are shocking. Obviously this element tends to be favored by the villains and a hero will rarely make use of electrical shock simply because lightning is so sporadic and random that often a hero will accidentally electrocute the very person he’s trying to save.

So, those are just a few of the power elements in this world, can you name others? Which are your favorites? Why? What would you use the powers to accomplish?

Stewart

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August 20, 2008

Olympic Dreams

Posted at 8:32 am

With the Games of the XXIX Olympiad ending this Sunday, we think back over the triumphs and defeats that have taken place thus far. We are relieved to know that the Redeem Team has thus far lived up to their name. We sorrow in the fact that our gymnastics team got beat by a group of 7 year olds. We think of Michael Phelps and his unprecedented 8 gold medals and 7 world records, but are even more shocked by his daily calorie intake. We frown upon China’s government as they keep a child hidden while she sings in the opening ceremony allowing another to get the glory simply because she’s not cute enough. We see an enormous number of foreign athletes who live and train in the US then compete for their birth country; so really, we win the medal count hands down.

Oh, and this is the last year Baseball or Softball will be considered as Olympic sports… So what makes a sport worthy of the Summer Olympics? Here are a list of a few less known sports that should certainly be considered as replacements for Baseball and Softball:

01. Tetherball – Ahh, the public schools’ favorite…The reason tetherball was invented was because Government Schools tend to have a lack of discipline and therefore the sports equipment would get stolen during P.E. So someone got the great idea to bolt a chain to the ball and the eventual result was tetherball, the sport that short people hate.

02. Foosball – The Olympics already have table tennis, why not table soccer? Foosball takes a keen whit and a quick wrist torque – as well as the ability to jab your opponent with the sliding rods.

03. Noodling – Because that would just be hilarious.

04. Four Square – The Olympic committee couldn’t argue with the budget requirements of this event. Ball, sidewalk chalk; line up all the competitors until someone remains king of the squares for a whole cycle, the whole sport could be finished in an hour.

05. Cricket – Yeah, maybe not.

06. High Dive Belly Flop Competition – give the big people an event…might have to install elevators on the platform though.

07. Grifball – Energy swords and gravity hammers on the huge LCD screen used in the opening ceremony…doesn’t get much better than that.

08. Chair Jumping – How many stacked patio chairs can you jump over into a swimming pool? Until it becomes an Olympic sport we may never know who the greatest is…in the mean time we will continue trying to not miss the pool for the sake of our skin, and the concrete.

What sports would you like to see in future Olympiads?

Stewart

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August 13, 2008

Martial Arts & Crafts

Posted at 10:45 am

Martial: 1. of, relating to, or suited for war or a warrior 2. relating to an army or to military life 3. experienced in or inclined to war.

Growing up in America, a child is almost guaranteed the opportunity to experience that wonderful pastime known to the literate world as ‘Arts & Crafts.’ Whether it be Preschool, Kindergarten, Sunday school, VBS, Cub Scouts, or any other such activity used to keep children quiet while we teach them things, arts and crafts are often a large part of our childhood development.

As with most things, arts and crafts tend to bring out the differences in people. In more specific terms, arts and crafts bring out the differences between boys and girls in a profound and often creative way. Little girls draw pictures of flowers and rainbows and make hearts with dry pasta noodles and Elmer’s. Glitter is a must have and pink tends to be the color of choice for these young females. When possible, frilly things can be attached to the creation and often pieces of candy are included as part of the aesthetic in a metaphoric “visually sweet/literally sweet” visual composition that is juxtaposed on the already feminine art piece. When the craft is finished, little Suzie takes her craft home and gives it to her Mom and/or Dad. It hangs on the refrigerator or sits on the kitchen table for at least 3 months and everyone who sees it says “aw, how sweet.” (Although they rarely see the metaphor and are just saying it to be nice)

With boys the matter of arts and crafts is quite different, so different in fact that I submit to you that boys have developed a whole new category in the realm of arts in crafts or at least a new sub-category. This new genre is something I like to call ‘Martial Arts & Crafts’ as it pertains more to war and violence than it does to artistic endeavor. Boys try and tell a story with their art, Billy begins by drawing a simple stick figure because it’s easy and Billy wants to get on with the exciting part. Billy may accessorize his stick figure with swastikas, squinty eyes, Russian fir hats, or Jar Jar Binks depending on the decade Billy lives in. After the stick figure has been endowed with a persona of something Billy’s brain has recognized as pure evil, the war can commence. Bombs of glue and glitter rain down from the sky and land directly on the enemy figure as sound effects are provided by Billy’s extensive vocal library. With a few fast zig zag motions, the stick figure bursts into orange flames which then proceed to change every color Crayola could come up with. Suddenly knives in the shape of sea shell pasta begin to pile up on top of the stick figure that is no longer visible. The red crayon is about half the size it was when Billy started as it was used to coat the entire bottom half of the page. In the end it was a hard fought war but justice prevailed and Billy proceeds to relish his victory by staring at the garbled mess of art materials now covering his sheet of paper and eating all the candy he was supposed to use on the craft. If the teacher doesn’t intercept and throw it away first, Billy will show his masterpiece to his parents who may leave it out in the open for a day or two but will eventually finish the stick figure victim off for good by either burning it or burying it 10 feet into the earth.

And that is the difference between boys and girls.

Stewart

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August 6, 2008

Brady’s Top 9 Favorite Films of All Time

Posted at 9:34 am

Most of the time I tend to think that other people are much more interesting than myself and so today I will share The Top 9 (because everyone does top 10) Favorite Films of All Time of my friend Brady Pritchett. This list in no way reflects the views or opinions of the Stewart Adams Project or its affiliates and was compiled without Brady’s permission or prior knowledge. Trailers and links provided by the Internet Movie Database.

09. Three Amigos
This comedic tale of everyone’s three favorite artificial banditos gives us a unique and accurate look into the Mexican culture of the 1980’s. This movie makes Brady’s list not because of the brilliant performances by Steve Martin, Martin Short and Chevy Chase but rather because of this piece of dialog alone:
El Guapo: Would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?
Jefe: A what?
El Guapo: A “plethora.”
Jefe: Oh yes, you have a plethora.
El Guapo: Jefe, what is a plethora?
Jefe: Why, El Guapo?
El Guapo: Well, you told me I have a plethora. And I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is. I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.
Jefe: Forgive me, El Guapo. I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education. But could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?

08. Evil Roy Slade
John Aston (Yes, Samwise Gamgee’s Daddy) stars as the meanest most cutthroat vile and detestable criminal the world has ever seen on film. You think Heath Ledger’s Joker was evil? Try Evil Roy Slade, he’s so evil they had to put it in his name. Parental warning: Slade cheats at poker, steals bank pens, kisses his female robbery victims (the pretty ones), carries a vast arsenal of weaponry, kills Bell Bing, and spreads HAVOC across the west.

07. Pride & Prejudice (the 5-hour A&E Version)
Few understand why a strapping young man with a crew cut and a Thundercats tshirt such as Brady would like a sappy boring made for TV chick flick. To be honest I don’t quite understand it myself, the film can basically be summed up in a few sentences: Some ugly sisters are desperate for husbands but even more desperate for husbands with money. Most men are jurks (yes, with a u) and all old people are match making busy bodies. Somehow there is a happy ending…at least for the characters, not so much for the audience who fell a sleep 2 ½ hours ago when the movie was half way over. Yes, Brady has lost many a man-card over this one.

06. The Dirty Dozen
There are very few movies that can make men cry, The Dirty Dozen is one of them, but I mean who didn’t cry? Jim Brown was throwing these hand grenades down these air shafts. And Richard Jaeckel and Lee Marvin [sniff sniff] were sitting on top of this armored personnel carrier, dressed up like Nazis… (Brady: [Crying too] Stop, stop!) And Trini Lopez…(Brady: Yes, Trini Lopez!) He busted his neck while they were parachuting down behind the Nazi lines…(Brady: Stop!) And Richard Jaeckel – at the beginning he had on this shiny helmet…( Brady: [Crying harder] Please no more. Oh Man! I loved that movie…). For the record, no men cried at the end of Sleepless in Seattle.

05. High School Musical
HSM did something for the Disney Channel that none of the other 10 thousand made-for-tv Disney movies had done…it actually became popular and made money. And why not? It is pretty much a cinematic revolution of epic proportions in Brady’s opinion. It’s hard to mess up a movie when it has Troy Bolton dancing and singing while playing basketball. The cheesy dialogue and over the top emotions are reminiscent of the classic Rogers and Hammerstein films but HSM easily surpasses them as the quintessential original Musical about High School students.

04. The Little Mermaid
The animated classic we all grew up on still carries the same inspiring themes that it did when we were kids…only now we understand what they are: Teenage rebellion to authority, immodest dress, fathers losing their tempers and becoming violent, octopusian witchcraft, falling in love with members of a different species…etc. etc. But hey! There were some really catchy songs, right? And what song could be better than Kiss the Girl? Right, there isn’t one…this song by itself qualifies the movie for at least 7 Oscars and a place on Brady’s top 9 favorite films list.

03. High School Musical 2
Ah, the sequel to a great movie that set cable tv viewership records when it first aired on the Disney channel. Using the same formula as the first film, High School Musical 2 is at least 7 times better than the original despite the fact that the entire film takes place during the summer when school is out…? Anyway, HSM 2 provided at deeper look into the romance of Troy and Gabriella as they finally realize they love each other and kiss at the end of the movie. Filled with more of those catchy songs that make Brady want to dawn a tiki princess costume and punch dance out his rage on a golf course…HSM 2 is more of what made HSM so great, whatever that was.

02. High School Musical 3: Senior Year (Theatrical Teaser Trailer)
Although HSM 3 has not yet been released, Brady has seen the preview trailer. So why would Brady put a less than 2 minute promotional video on his top 9 favorite films of all time list? The truth is that trailer by itself is better than 90% of everything else that has ever been shown on the silver screen. It’s got everything, Troy Bolton pumping his fist, that Sharpay up to her usual shenanigans, Troy Bolton grabbing his basketball jersey, Troy Bolton in a tux…yeah.

01. Napoleon Dynamite
It should come as no surprise to anyone that Napoleon Dynamite is at the top of Brady’s favorite films list as it should be on everyone else’s too. Brady saw this movie in the theater before anyone else knew anything about it and before it was ‘cool,’ therefore becoming a bona fide trend setter (I was there, so I can vouch for him). I don’t even have to mention how great this movie is, it is evident by the massive overuse of the movie’s quotes and dialog. The only way this movie will ever be dethroned is if Jon Heder signs on to make ND 2.

Stewart

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