The Stewart Adams Project

 

June 4, 2008

Don’t Thank You Notes

Posted at 8:39 am

The Return

Do not fear dear reader, I have returned from a two week rest period and am ready to blog all kinds of interestingness all up in here. For those of you who are wondering, I had a great time in Panama City two weeks ago and didn’t want to distract from it by blogging and just didn’t feel like writing last week. I would like to see some more feedback on these posts, it’s encouraging to see discussion in the comments so that I know people are actually reading these posts and the appearance of disinterest stifles creativity. So without further ado, I give you today’s discussion topic:

Thank You Notes

Anyone who has graduated or been married understands the pain and agony of writing so-called ‘Thank You’ notes. On its surface the idea of a Thank You note is perfectly harmless and is in fact a very polite gesture afforded to the giver, having been the recipient of their selfless generosity. My qualm with these notes of appreciation is introduced as a reaction to the idea that Thank You notes are something to be expected and anticipated by the gift giver. I have actually had people ask me why they did not receive a Thank You note for a particular gift – the cold hard truth is that I didn’t write one, plain and simple.
It isn’t that I was not grateful for the gift, I almost always thank the giver in person because it is much more personal this way and not carbon copied and signed out of fake gratitude because it is required…yet, this somehow isn’t enough. It seems that these people need something tangible that they can hold in their hands, read once, and throw away. In reality, thank you notes are really just a form of Indian giving…giving a gift and expecting something in return, in this case, a frilly piece of folded card stock with some scribbled ink on it. Why can’t we just give someone a gift and be done with it? If they then choose to write a thank you note, so be it. But doesn’t the fact that it is required or expected take away the significance of the gesture?
Many people use the requesting of a thank you note as a front for making sure that the intended recipient actually received the gift. The only instance I can think of where this would apply is if the gift was mailed. If you went to the wedding/graduation then it’s the same as hand delivering the gift and you can be 99.9% certain that the right person got the gift, with those odds you have no business suspecting that the gift ‘got lost on the gift table.’ However, even if the gift was mailed…how hard is it to call the person on the phone and ask if they received it? The receiver may then thank you vocally and not have to worry about the time and money that goes into writing and mailing an actual note.
So what is the solution? Gift recipients are between a rock and a hard place as they try to express their gratefulness but also not waste time and money on meaningless thank you notes. I propose that from now on, the giver is responsible for giving a true gift…in addition to whatever the gift is, also give the recipient freedom from the bonds of thank you note writing. Include a piece of paper with the gift explaining that you do not want a thank you note. Better yet, include a pre-written note with a stamped envelope with the gift that can easily be dropped in the mailbox with little or no effort. This way the gift receiver will have a clear conscience having met the requirement of writing you a thank you note and the gift giver can get a tangible thank you note with whatever self centered boastful flattery they wish because they wrote it themselves.

Stewart

Filed under Blog Entries | 10 Comments »

10 Responses to “Don’t Thank You Notes”

  1. Brady Says:
    June 4th, 2008 at 9:20 am

    I agree.

    But isn’t asking for more feedback kinda like asking for a card?

  2. Stewart Says:
    June 4th, 2008 at 9:28 am

    Aww, so you view my blog posts as a gift…Thanks Brady.

  3. Bonnie Says:
    June 4th, 2008 at 9:30 am

    I tried this with Allison. I told her NOT to write me a thank you note b/c I wouldn’t read it. She said too bad, she had some pretty cards and she wanted to use them so she was going to write me one anyways. It sat on the piano for two weeks before I forgot about my resolution and read it. Some people can just be so stubborn. However, I don’t write thank you notes under most circumstances.

  4. Blake Adams Says:
    June 4th, 2008 at 11:43 am

    Thank-You notes could be a form of communication, Mr. Stewart Adams Project.

  5. Melanie Adams Says:
    June 4th, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    Dearest Son:

    Honey, don’t you know you have roots that dig deep into that wonderful GA red clay not to mention tendrils that ground you to the Rocky Mountains of North Carolina? Bless yo heart, it is the way we southerners do things. I agree, if you cannot write a sincere thank you note to the giver of the gift, then, alas, you should probably not go to the effort. However, from personal experience, some of the kindest, most heartfelt, and cherished words that I have ever received are captured on one of those pretty little notes cards. Expressions of gratitude for a gift that I gave to someone – are little momentos that I keep in a special place. When I am having a bad day, I can pull out and re-read these and receive a sweet blessing all over again. I feel loved. The balancing tension – because I have been blessed by lovely words from special friends I take extra care to express that same kind of blessing whenever I sit down to write a thank you note. “A word fitly spoken are like apples of gold in settings of silver . . . ” Gratitude never goes out of style nor is cumbersome toward those we love whether it is expected or not.

  6. Stewart Says:
    June 4th, 2008 at 1:23 pm

    Again, I have nothing against thank you notes…

    Why not spread message of warmth and encouragement initially? Why do we have to receive a gift first in order to write a message of appreciation to the giver?

  7. Roy Says:
    June 4th, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    I’m with you on this one Stewart. It’s not the Thank you notes themselves that are a problem it’s the expectation of a thank you note. I have both written and received very heartfelt thank you notes and some like Ms. Melanie I have kept for one reason or another. But with things like weddings, Christmas, graduation ect… where people receive so many gifts it seems like an unnecessary burden to cast upon somebody during such a mementos occasion. Especially if the gift was something like a gift card, money, or a blender. Not that those items are not appreciated immensely, but you know the giver wasn’t putting a whole lot of thought into the gift. Would say if the giver really wants a thank you note they should include a stamped envelope with a note addressed to themselves. The expectation of something takes away from the joy of it in the end anyways.

  8. Bethany Says:
    June 4th, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    I actually do put a lot of thought into gift cards…the right one can be the best gift ever.

    But anyways, I agree with Stewart. There is nothing wrong with writing a thank you note, and I do it fairly often…but I do have a problem with people expecting a thank-you note. I mean, if no one expected a thank-you note, then they would mean even more and be surprised when they did get them, thus making them much more meaningful.

    I would like to take this opportunity to dis-obligate anyone from the need to write me a thank-you note…unless you really really want to.

  9. Maxwell Says:
    June 4th, 2008 at 8:28 pm

    I’ve been arguing this point for years and I appreciate your concise capitulation of the issue. Expectations aside, I, however, take another issue with the process. I recognize the legitimacy of many thank you notes as heartfelt messages of gratitude and I think sending them to those who truly appreciate them for serious reasons is indispensable, but I also have no problem sending mindless thank you notes to fulfill the wrote social obligations of a society with formality largely devoid of meaning. My point of protest is the societal standard of postal mailed thank you notes. I think it can be just as rewarding to read a loving word fitly written on the medium of cleverly flipped binaries on a magnetic storage device. Email the thank you notes, just think, you never have to throw them away and you never have to deal with them being there – they are archived away out of site until you search for that phrase you desire to read again for emotional encouragement. It is more useful for those purposes and it saves time and money. Also the time is coming when gifts will largely be bought and delivered via internet companies or gift cards simply transmitted as card numbers in emails, it would be unfitting to thank the giver in any way other than email and a kindness to thank a normal gift giver with the convenience and sincerity of a well written email.

    I could expound further and will be glad to if anyone fails to be persuaded by this undeniable logic and warm hearted opinion,

    -Max

  10. Bethany Says:
    June 5th, 2008 at 6:46 am

    Hmmm….In some cases an e-thank-you-note would be okay, but what about all that pretty stationary? If you’re going to take the time to write something special, it should be on special paper that’s pretty and thoughtful looking.

    It would be pretty tragic if all the stationary businesses went out of business.

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