The Stewart Adams Project

August 30, 2010

Fitness

Posted at 9:59 am

Originally posted March 26, 2008.

This week I began a fitness program that shall remain nameless but just so happens to rhyme with P90X. The host, who shall remain middle-nameless is Tony Horton, a super ripped overzealous hyper little man who’s lung capacity must be enormous with the amount of talking he does while working out. It’s not so much intelligent speech as it is endless rambling about who-knows-what or in a lot of cases, a sales pitch for all the great P90X products you can buy in addition to the $130 video program you’ve already purchased. Another thing about Tony that makes the skin crawl is how after 45 minutes of jumping around and playing air-basketball, sweat is pouring off his body and his veins are popping out, but his combed ‘do’ is still perfect without a single hair out of place…that my friends, is sickening.
As I contemplate my own personal feelings about Tony and P90X in general, I have made a conscious decision that I am going to continue to fuel my hatred of him and it. As my rage increases, so will my motivation to out do Tony at his own game. Tony is very similar to an alarm clock, the shrill loud annoying ones that make you shudder when you hear them on the radio in the middle of the day. In our subconscious, we associate the pain and agony of waking up in the morning with the sound of the alarm clock. The same is true of P90X, the more pain there is to associate with Tony’s face, the more I hate him.
In the meantime, I’ll be getting muscle mass and fat loss as a byproduct of my loathing and in many ways it will be all thanks to Tony Horton.

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August 27, 2010

Video Harvest – Volume 22

Posted at 8:46 am

You can’t Yo-yo like this yo-yo.

Charlie Chaplin would be proud.

Oh Europe…

This is the kind of graffiti we should be supporting with our tax dollars.

And yes, Halo Reach boys and girls.

Double Bubble all the way! What does this mean? Interesting thing is that the footage appears to not be taken at high speed.

A brilliant marketing scheme to sell hi-tec shoes.

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August 25, 2010

PSA: The Moon

Posted at 10:51 am

Have you ever looked longingly up at the moon and marveled at its majestic majesty? The moon and its reflective properties bring feelings of comfort and awe to all who look upon its elegant lunar beauty…but looks can be deceiving.

As has been confirmed by fuzzy handheld video footage time and time again, the moon has unleashed a plague on humanity for decades. Whole herds of livestock and countless humans have fallen victim to the terrors known as werewolves. So feared and horrible are these creatures of myth that we make motion pictures that portray them as ruggedly handsome vampire killing heroes – just so the teenage girls of society can sleep at night.

But now, NASA has a plan to eradicate all werewolf infestations everywhere by attacking them at their weakest point and the source of their mutation, the moon. On Friday, October 9, 2009 NASA rammed an unmanned spacecraft and its sensing satellite into the lunar surface at 6,000 miles per hour. This was simply a training exercise for launching a full scale nuclear assault on our planet’s night light.

Join the cause, send your support to NASA and help us rid the earth of the werewolf once and for all. The moon must be destroyed, only then can we find peace, security and be forever rid of the Twilight Saga.

This has been a Stewart Adams Project Public Service Announcement. To learn more information on NASA’s attempt to blow up the moon, visit the internet.

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August 20, 2010

Video Harvest – Volume 21

Posted at 12:26 pm

Fact: The internet loves Justin Bieber. Here is the original:

and here is the more exciting version:

The most decorated tennis player in history gets lucky…twice.

An elegant weapon for a more civilized age.

Rhett and Link’s latest.

Just wow.

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August 18, 2010

How The Oregon Trail Works

Posted at 9:34 am

01. When shopping for supplies, only buy bullets…spend all your money on this one item. Cash and coin won’t keep you warm at night where we’re going.

02. Immediately upon leaving town, go hunting.

Here’s a Bison.

03. Kill it.

04. Continue this process for about an hour until you’ve killed at least 50,000 lbs. of Bison meat.

05. Realize that you and your sons can only carry 200 lbs of meat…carry it back to the wagon.

06. Get bored with the actual game and repeat steps 2 – 5.

07. Die of dysentery.

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August 16, 2010

Love and Atomic Bonding

Posted at 9:49 am

Originally posted October 7, 2009.

Relationships can be categorized metaphorically by using the 3 methods of atomic bonding that exist in nature. Sure, it’s extremely geeky and uber science-esque but helpful and factual none-the-less. There is a reason why they call the way humans interact romantically, chemistry.

Atomic Bonding #1 – Covalent Bonding

This is the type of bonding where two or more atoms are brought together by a sharing of their valence electrons. By filling in gaps in their atomic charges, each atom becomes more stable and therefore develops a strong link to the other. One atom’s lack of electrons is balanced out by the other’s abundance of them – the positive and negative charges find equilibrium and both atoms benefit from what could be termed a symbiotic relationship…if only atoms where actually alive. This is an example of a pure, efficient and working relationship. Both individuals are wholly intact and the strengths of each compliment the other to form an intimate oneness and a mutual benefit to both. Neither attempts to change the other, they are simply perfect for each other and were obviously created for that purpose.

Real life examples: …

Atomic Bonding #2 – Ionic Bonding

With Ionic bonding, atoms with strong charges bond with other atoms by gaining and losing their valence electrons. For example, atom #1 has 7 valance electrons and meets up with an atom that has only one. The first atom has a much stronger pull and so it takes the electron from atom #2. By doing this the first atom becomes negatively charged (since it just acquired a negatively charged particle) and consequently, the second becomes positively charged (since it just lost a negatively charged particle). The two opposite charges are then attracted to each other (see basic magnetism) and the bond is complete. In this case, individual A must first change something about individual B, before the attraction can be made. This is often a very painful process and can take years to perfect if two people are stubborn enough. In other cases, a person gladly gives up a part of themselves for the good of the relationship.

Real life examples: 97.45% of all romantic relationships.

Atomic Bonding #3 – Metallic Bonding

Metallic bonding is often referred to a sharing of free electrons in an electron sea. Basically some metals bond to other metals simply because they are there. Often metals are bonded by external means such as hammering and intense heat. This type of bonding occurs when two people are together and there is no one else around. This is why every time a man and woman are stranded on a deserted island together, they always fall in love even if they hate each other in the beginning. Pain and beatings (like fire and hammering) tend to speed this bond and the more persecution there is, the more in love the couple will fall.

Real life examples: Beauty and the Beast, Petruchio and Katherina , Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’hara, Shrek and Fiona, etc.

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August 13, 2010

Video Harvest – Volume 20

Posted at 8:54 am

Hello, and welcome to the SAP Video Harvest – Friday the 13th edition. Let’s get right to it…

So here’s a dude who saw two Great White Sharks swimming near him off the coast of California while on his paddle board. So the next day he attaches a camera to a pole and proceeds to paddle out to the same spot…below is the footage he capture whilst standing on his paddle board.

Me my Shark and I from Chuck Patterson on Vimeo.

A local news broadcast went viral this week due to the heroic efforts of Antoine Dodson who helped fight off an intruder who broke into his sister’s bedroom.

And this is the musical remix of that news story which I’ve been told is the #1 downloaded ringtone in NYC right now.

Next is an older video that deals with the weirdness of hippyism…and the awesomeness of a double rainbow.

Here we have the real story of Dumb and Dumber.

And Dora the Explorer still doesn’t rhymn.

Star Wars fans, finally someone has put together a montage of every lightsaber ignition and retraction in all 6 movies. And yes, that someone has too much time on their hands…but apparently so do we, because we’re watching it.

Lastly, we have a comparison of the Canon 7D DSLR camera and the new Barbie doll with built in video camera…and yes, it is a real product.

Canon 7D vs. Barbie Video Girl from Brandon Bloch on Vimeo.

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August 11, 2010

The Evils of School Buses

Posted at 11:29 am

Fact: School buses are evil. Not the comical Saturday morning cartoon kind of evil, the violent abusive tie two cats tails together and throw them over a power line kind of evil…wait, you’re right – bad example. But seriously, what kind of cruel joke is it to have mobile stop signs? I really think it’s a school bus drivers’ goal to stop traffic at the worst possible places on the road. What’s worse is that the law requires motorists in the opposite lanes to stop if there is not a raised median. So that means if you’re on a 4 lane divided highway with a center turn lane and the bus stops in the right hand northbound lane, the lone moped driver in the right hand southbound lane has to stop…because children in line for school are notorious for wildly running across 5 lanes of traffic then doubling back in a wide arc in order to board the school bus.

It’s even worse when you’re on a residential road with no alternate routes and no subdivisions, so the bus stops every 20 feet to pick up one kid. This continues for several miles until there is a trail of cars behind the bus that you can no longer see the end of in your rear view mirror. With all this starting and stopping and not getting anywhere comes massive quantities of waste.

- Wasted time – Time is money and money is prosperity. School buses waste prosperity.
- Wasted fossil fuels – All those cars sitting there burning gas…No wonder America can’t gain energy independence – we have school buses everywhere.
- Carbon waste – Forget trying to save the trees – just get rid of the school buses and you effectively remove a sizeable carbon footprint.

But Stewart! Wouldn’t that just put more cars on the road and increase traffic? Yes and no. It would put more cars on the road but those cars cannot legitimately bring a full 5 lane highway to a complete stop.

The worst part is that we fund such a program as school buses with our tax dollars, whether we use the service or not….whether we have kids or not. So write your Congressman a letter – let’s end the evil that is public school bussing.

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August 9, 2010

Real Ultimate Power

Posted at 9:19 am

Originally posted September 23, 2009.

Fact: Gila Monsters are awesome, and by awesome I mean ‘totally sweet.’

This blog post is all about REAL GILA MONSTERS. This blog post is awesome.My Name is Stewart and I can’t stop thinking about Gila Monsters. These guys are so cool, and by cool I mean totally sweet.

Facts:

01. Gila Monsters are reptiles.

02. Gila Monsters fight ALL the time.

03. The purpose of the Gila Monster
is to flip out and kill people.
Testimonial:
“Gilas can kill anyone they want! Gila Monsters cut people ALL the time and don’t even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this Gila Monster who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the Gila Monster killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a Gila Monster totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.
And that’s what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you don’t believe that Gila Monsters have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will chop your toe off!!! It’s an easy choice, if you ask me.
Gila Monsters are sooooooooooo sweet that I can’t believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that’s a fact. Gila Monsters are fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can’t wait to start yoga next year. I love ninjas with all of my body.”

Q and A:

Q: Why is everyone so obsessed about Gila Monsters?
A: Gila Monsters are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they don’t give a flip, but on the other hand, Gila Monsters are very careful and precise.

Q: I heard that Gila Monsters are always cruel or mean. What’s their problem?
A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other reptiles, Gila Monsters can be mean OR totally awesome.

Q: What do Gila Monsters do when they’re not cutting off toes or flipping out?
A: Most of their free time is spent flying, but sometime they stab. (Ask Mark if you don’t believe me.)

Warning:

If you see, hear, smell, taste or feel a Gila Monster anywhere near you, run away as fast as you possibly can. You never know what might trigger a Gila Monster to flip out so the best defense against them is to be as far from them as possible…not that it will really matter. Did I mention that Gila Monsters are totally sweet?

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August 6, 2010

Video Harvest – Volume 19

Posted at 8:20 am

It seems like every time I post a video harvest, someone dumps fertilizer on the tilled soil of the internet and videos spring forth in droves….Anyway, have fun watching these.

This is why Americans don’t take Soccer seriously…and also just happens to be why they should.

Slow motion 1000 frames per second.

Tempus II from Philip Heron on Vimeo.

This basically happens to my family anytime we do fireworks…

Oh Cosmo Kramer, you are amazing.

Random chance caught on tape:

Another slow motion video, this time with Flame Thrower Vs. Fire Extinguisher. And also, some creepy scary dudes who kind of remind you of Deliverance.