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Creatures Of The Wilderness
Posted at 6:52 am
What you are about to read is both tragic in nature and hilarious in faculty. Our story begins at the end, for the image shown below is in fact the result of the events that transpired and not the cause of them. Said events occurred prior to the image’s creation and subsequent distribution throughout the whole of the inter-web.
There was once an young woman whom we will refer to hereafter using the alias of “Bethany Adams.” Though Bethany was indeed the fairest matron in the land – outfitted with keen wit, intellect and cooking skills to boot, she was plagued by an incomprehensible phobia that normal everyday things were not as they appeared. This phobia has yet to be classified as a medical condition and is currently explained as a mild case of often temporary insanity that causes one to believe common everyday objects to be something other than what they are. Bethany’s condition was first made apparent on a bright sun shiny day as she was moving a curtain in her dining room. Unbeknownst to her, a gentleman (with rugged good looks) had left his two-foot construction level propped against the wall near said curtain. In a turn of fate, Bethany’s rustling of the fabric caused the leveling tool to tip over and fall to the floor. Bethany’s heart raced as she jumped a solid 2’ vertical whist emitting a high pitched squeal that almost gave her husband a heart attack. Rushing over to her, Bethany’s husband quickly acted to see what was wrong but unfortunately the tool had already changed back from a mouse, into a level. In a mood of relieved hysteria Bethany insisted that she thought she was being attacked by a mouse – her husband was so deeply troubled upon hearing these words and having the stark realization of his wife’s condition that he began laughing uncontrollably.
In another instance, Bethany was jogging on a trail that circled a pond next to her office building. As her footsteps made contact with the ground, Bethany glanced down just in time to see that she was about to step on a bird! Attempting to adjust her stride while letting out a yelp of surprise, Bethany stopped and turned to see if she had crushed the poor little bird underfoot or if she had managed to avoid the collision and save the bird’s life. Unfortunately we will never know the fate of the bird because by the time Bethany turned around, it had already mutated into a pinecone.
Spontaneous Visual Object Reassignment (Temporary Strain) is a serious condition that happens to real people – not people who you think are people and later turn out to be mailboxes. If you or someone you think you know suffers from this rare condition, please notify The Stewart Adams Project. Your story will be logged and your apparitions added to the Creatures of the Wilderness list. Together we can fight SVORTS and provide comfort and safety to those in need – while at the same time helping the economy by dumping large quantities of monies into the straight jacket industry.
June 24, 2009
Magic
Posted at 12:22 pm
Magic, in the paranormal sense of the word may be defined as ‘anything alleged to exist that is not explainable by any present laws of science.’ Of course this leaves us with a partial explanation for magic in that it is completely plausible by this definition that science has not yet caught up with the particular phenomena. For instance, there is no scientific law or evidence that indicates even a remote possibility for any terra based species to possess the ability to morph (or evolve) into a different species – but that’s just because scientific knowledge is too limited right now. So in the interim, it is safe to say that based on our definition, mankind was able to evolve from apes because of magic.
Now we come to the inevitable question of whether some things will ever be able to be explained by science. In our physical world, some things simply defy a reality of explanation in such a stark mystery that it seems science will never get to the point of providing answers for inquiring minds. Examples of such cases include:
01. Black Holes
02. The Bermuda Triangle
03. Rosie O’Donnell
04. Aliens
05. Sasquatches
06. The Loch Ness Monster
07. Michael Moore’s head
08. Ghosts
09. Spontaneous Dental Hydroplosion
For now we must assume that these things are strictly based in the realm of the magical until some scientist somewhere is able to get his article published in a “scholarly” journal – then it’s pretty much scientific law.
June 10, 2009
Ask Me Any Movie
Posted at 12:12 pm
In 1975, a film was released that rocked the filmmaking and film viewing worlds to their core. It became the highest grossing movie in US history and essentially created the concept of a summer blockbuster. This film was the first to ever have a “wide release,” since previous marketing techniques had been to open a movie in a few major cities and then spread to other theaters once the movie gained popularity and made more money. The movie of course, was Steven Spielberg’s ‘Jaws.’
Just last month, a family of amateur actors, writers and directors created a short film to pay homage to this groundbreaking piece of film history. Filmed on location at Panama City Beach, this is what the Adams family does on their summer vacation…
Big Pointy Teeth – Directed by Blake Adams
P.S. See if you can spot the Stewart Adams cameo.
May 27, 2009
Quality
Posted at 8:36 am
We are constantly being bombarded with advertisements and promotions on a daily basis for all manner of services and products – most of which are a complete waste of our time and attention. The general population views these ads but when faced with a decision on the store shelves inevitably go with the brand that is the cheapest.
On extremely rare occasions however, one comes across a product that is immensely excellent in both quality and usefulness. It is in these cases that we become a little more picky and are even willing to pay more just to have that particular brand. This phenomena could be based on the fact that the brand in question is quite literally better than all the others, for example:
~ Stewart Adams’ Bottled Dihydrogen Monoxide ~
Conversely, the product may simply be less horrible than its competition, for example:
~ Something Posing As Meat ~
So what does this mean for you, the consumer? Quite bluntly, it means that you enjoy quality products because you are a quality person. Sure, soap is soap, but if you are given a choice to spend a few extra dimes to get that ergonomically contoured bar…you jump at the chance. In fact, sometimes you don’t even need a reason – you save time and cut out the middle man by just assuming that if it’s more expensive it must be better. Today we salute you, Mr. I-don’t-care-how-much-more-it-costs-as-long-as-I-am-convinced-in-my-own-mind-that-it’s-better(or less worse)-Man.
May 13, 2009
Web Contest
Posted at 8:21 am
It has become common place for websites to hold simple little contests as a means to increase readership, visits, comments, and overall interest in the site. While The Stewart Adams Project would never stoop so low as to attempt to generate artificial interest for the sake of our beloved site’s hit counter…(%Bleep-bloop%)…holding a contest with a (singular) prize is a fun way for us to say thank you to you, dear reader for your laborious labors that you endure week after week. Here’s looking at you, kids.
The Prize:
The winner will receive their very own personalized “Tennis is Hard.” postcard in the mail complete with handwritten message and signed by Stewart himself! um…er, myself! This lovely postcard is suitable for framing and will make all your friends jealous when they see it mounted above your fireplace. In all likelihood, this prize might could potentially be worth millions of dollars, maybe. One day when the project has reached super stardom, this little piece of awesomeness will be worth- *cough* I mean priceless. I am not just giving you a sweet pic of me with a humorous caption, I am giving you the gift of potential prosperity.
The Contest:
Using the Comments section, explain in your own words why you want/need this prize and feel free to include photos or videos to help make your case. Be as creative as humanly possible. The best responses will be selected and prizes will be awarded. All entries must be posted by 5/20/09 at 8:00 AM. Good providence!
May 6, 2009
Adverstising
Posted at 8:13 am
Let’s face it; there are all kinds of ridiculousnesses in advertising these days. In an attempt to be witty, clever, shocking, and/or attention grabbing, companies come up with some of the dumbest abbreviations, slogans, and catch phrases ever to be conceived by man. Let’s take a few moments to explore this world of advertising with some real world examples…
01. BOGO – Originally this term was coined “Buy One Get One Free” which is simple and not hard to say. Yet, someone thought it would be cute to abbreviate this into an acronym that doesn’t even include the entire term. BOGO stands for “Buy One Get One” the obvious clipping of the little detail of “free” means that BOGO could refer to little else than “You get what you pay for…if you buy one, you only get one.” Thus, the term should be BOGOF yet people in marketing are apparently not good at English and BOGO is used flippantly and incorrectly on newspaper inserts across the US.
02. Not understanding the difference between a Sequel and a Prequel – This one has come to my attention just recently with the upcoming release of the film “Angels and Demons.” This film is based on a book written by Dan Brown that was written 3 years before his book “The Da Vinci Code.” Yet, the trailer for the film adaptation of Angels and Demons states that it is a sequel to The Da Vinci Code when it is in fact a prequel. You’d think that a film studio’s marketing department would have done at least a little bit of research on their own movie’s source material before making such an obvious mistake…but they apparently didn’t.
03. HDD – if you go to any electronics store and take a look at their digital video cameras you will notice many times that they have the letters HDD in large text in an extremely visible location on the camera itself. In this case it is marketing genius on the part of the manufacturer and buyer retardation on the part of the consumer. HDD does not mean High Definition Display….it means Hard Disk Drive meaning the video files are stored on an internal hard drive and are likely not in anywhere close to an HD resolution. Yet, marketers sell tons of cameras by jumping on the HD bandwagon and making people think they’re getting something they’re not.
These are just a few examples (3 to be exact) of how advertising can be lame. Comment if you know of any more.
April 29, 2009
Opposites
Posted at 8:35 am
They say that opposites attract…so invariably we should see patterns following this social epistemology on a regular day to day basis: Super hot beautiful young women with acres of wealth should always be attracted to ugly homeless old and busted beggar guys. Car crash statistics should show that most automobile accidents occur between 2008 Ferrari 360s and 1972 El Caminos. Dogs and Cats should be the best of friends. Apple and Microsoft should do commercials for each other. North Carolina and Duke should refuse to play each other and just let the game go on forever. Yet, none of these things ever seem to happen…why is this? I’ll tell you why, because these things are socially unacceptable.
Gorgeous rich women don’t follow their inmost desire to be with a bum on the street because society tells them that it is not cool despite what their feelings are. Society has also set up traffic laws that would prevent opposing vehicles from being attracted to each other on the highway. Dogs and cats are supposed to fight like dogs and cats because our culture has defined it as such. Apple and Microsoft have to hate each other or they will be suspected of conspiring and stealing money from the government. North Carolina and Duke’s campuses are way too close to each other and society states that to mean that they have nothing in common and must hate one another. As you can see, society is an evil that changes what is good and natural into something not good and natural. The fact is that opposites do attract but social opinion does everything within its power to reject and redefine this truth. Look at the marriage issue in this country…nature, physiological common sense and absolute moral truth state that opposites attract…yet society wishes to change what is natural to what is backward.
So what is the answer dear friend? I’ll tell you…we must destroy society. Societal homicide is the only way to truly allow free market attraction of opposites in this culture of ours. Of course…that would put us in a position of opposition to society…to be consistent with our own philosophy we would have to let ourselves become attracted to society…resulting in the complete failure of our original plan to murder-death-kill it. Dang, never mind.
April 22, 2009
Movie Review: Twilight
Posted at 7:24 am
Preface
Twilight is based on the book with the same title written by Stephanie Meyer. For our purposes here, I will be reviewing the movie alone…on its own merits (or lack thereof). I have not read the book, so before you go off on a fan-girl soap-box about how great the book is, please keep in mind that I am not reviewing the book. In addition to this, please also keep captive in your minds that this review is not a review of the “Twilight” franchise and in no way reflects the opinions of this writer in regard to any of the three sequels including but not limited to: New Moon, Eclipse, or Breaking Dawn. Yes, it is highly unlikely that the pending movie adaptations for the sequels will garner any considerable difference in verdict upon their eventual release and subsequent review, yet I leave room in my heart and mind for the slight chance that those forthcoming films may in fact be decent. Moreover, let it be understood that I do not fit the profile of this film’s target audience in that I am not a 13 year old female. Thus, I am less likely to become easily enamored with the film’s clichéd emotional devices that are supposed to make the viewer actually care about the characters. If anything, this should serve to provide my review with a more objective viewpoint but not necessarily the opinions that the filmmakers intended their target audience to hold…if that was even intentional. I will also note that this review will not confront any technical issues of production or filmmaking aside perhaps from the actor’s performances. The film meets acceptable standards for cinematography, music, editing, sound, lighting, etc. therefore this critique will focus primarily on the story, characters and underlying message. Please be reminded that I am in no way profiting monetarily for my opinions and have not been compensated for an attempt to libel the Twilight film by any competing franchise including: Smallville, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Days of our Lives, General Hospital, Harry Potter, The Young and the Restless, Hannah Montana, Dora the Explorer, Barney & friends, the Wiggles, or Teletubbies. Please remember also that this review is by no means exhaustive and is more or less a statement on a few key points regarding the film known as Twilight. Yes, there will be a plethora of information that I do not address as it is unnecessary to my purposes. If you wish to read a complete review of every aspect of the film without any details being left out, you might as well just watch the movie. Bear in mind that I do not by any means recommend this course of action as it will likely prove disappointing for you as the viewer. However, I do understand that there is a curiosity in the minds of the masses as to just how lame the film actually is, and it is that same bewonderment that led me myself to watch this epic fail of modern cinema.
A Brief Synopsis:
(Contains spoilers.)
Twilight begins with the heroin (no, not the drug, though she may have a similar effect on you) Bella, being forced to go live with her father in Forks, Washington because her mom’s new husband is a minor league baseball player and thus will be traveling a lot. So being at a new school and being the kind of girl that walks around with a sullen disturbed attitude and a more homely-than-attractive appearance, Bella immediately makes a boy fall in love with her. You later find out that he is a vampire, his name is Edward and that he only loves her because she smells good and he wants to eat her…trust me, there could be no other reason. Because of this, Edward at first pretends to hate her and avoids her at all costs…except to sneak into her room at night and watch her sleep – yeah, not creepy at all. Bella eventually realizes that there’s something different about Edward after he stops a speeding car with his bare hands, has skin that is cold to the touch, never comes out in the sunlight, and seems to be everywhere without any time for transportation. Bella then seduces Edward into giving away his secret and Bella is not shocked in the slightest and shows no normal human emotion to this news. Edward then takes Bella to meet his vampire family all of whom have made a life decision to show self control to not eat people by only feeding on animal blood. But then a rival clan of vampires smell Bella and are determined to eat her because she smells so good. Obviously Edward can’t allow this so he and his ‘vamily’ set in motion an epic plan to hide Bella which for some reason includes lying to her father by making him think she hates him. The plan is an absolute failure and the evil vampire James captures Bella but then makes the cliché mistake of monologuing and toying with his victim which gives Edward time to get there and fight him. Edward would have lost the battle and died had the good vampires not showed and ganged up on James in a completely unsportsmanlike display of 4 on 1. They kill James and Edward sucks the vampire venom of James out of Bella’s wound in order to keep her from becoming immortal and powerful as the rest of them.
A Pro
Twilight does an excellent job of showing the inner nature of man and his depraved state as evident in the vampire’s strong desire to kill and eat people. The true heroism is portrayed as Edward’s family makes the conscious decision to resist this desire and live at a higher standard than those who kill humans without remorse. The fallacy comes in when Edward is told to ‘find the will to resist’ and it is never explained where he found it. The obvious interpretation is that he found it within himself but this is contradictory to the initial premise that the desires inside him were to kill and eat people. So having this circular moral reasoning only serves to raise the question of the source for his moral strength without ever providing an answer. So in many ways, the Pro may actually be a Con.
A Con
The most blatant flaw found in Twilight is that the main character is just about the most unlikeable, selfish, uninteresting, plain and boring character to ever tarnish the silver screen. As an audience member I could not relate or sympathize with anything she did and in many cases just wished she would take a long walk off a short pier. Bella’s entire plot line is a weak attempt to replicate the Romeo & Juliet theme of forbidden love but without the motivation for the viewer to want her to have a happy ending. The result is an onscreen romance that feels completely empty and meaningless because there is no empathy when something bad happens and no joy when something good happens. It certainly doesn’t help that Bella is portrayed poorly by Kristen Stewart whose performance is often laughable. This may be partially due to bad script writing, but Stewart’s deadpan emotionless act is ridiculous when delivering lines such as “you’re beautiful” (speaking of Edward) or “your skin is pale white and ice cold.” Once again let me remind you that it is irrelevant as whether or not this is how Bella was in the book, what works in print does not necessarily translate to film.
An Other Con
Twilight seems to be one of those films that just contains moments of absolute retardation. These are the parts that make one wonder what the heck the filmmakers were thinking and you find yourself being a little embarrassed for even being seen in public while watching the movie. According to traditional vampire lore, sunlight kills vampires upon contact. In Twilight, Edward exposes his skin to sunlight and rather than exploding into a heap of ash, he glitters and shines like he’d been in a fight with a bedazzler and lost. In another scene, when Edward stops an out of control vehicle with his bare hand, crowds of students are in the parking lot and watch the whole thing happen, yet no one questions the fact that the laws of physics were just defied and for some reason Edward is standing right in front of the car when he had just been standing on the other side of the parking lot. In yet another scene, Jacob, an Indian friend of Bella’s family who is really a werewolf tells Bella that his dad gave him $5 to talk to her – what ensues is a lengthy staring competition between Jacob and Edward in a poor executed foreshadowing of the next film’s inevitable plot.
Is Twilight one of the worse films of all time? Certainly not, but it is definitely not worthy of the praise and hype it has garnered from those who have praised and hyped it. The weak acting, poor writing and overall ridiculousness of the film label it as a high-quality B-movie at best and a solid 3.5 stars out of 10.
April 20, 2009
Caveman Hero
Posted at 2:02 pm
…Not just the stuff of GEICO commercials anymore.
I was recently on a business trip 2,670 miles from home when I was surprised to see my relatively small town on nation-wide news. It’s not often a small Georgia town makes national news, and even less often that it makes the news for something remotely praise-worthy. It’s not that I think that little of my place of residence, it’s just the plain and simple truth of the old saying, “if it bleeds it leads.” While there may in fact have been some bleeding in the story, 1- it wasn’t mentioned and 2- it would have been due to injuries sustained by the culprit and completely justified on the part of the customer.
————————————————————————–
ACWORTH, Ga. — Police said a would-be robber got more than he bargained for when he tried to rob a Quik Thrift store with a knife. A quick-thinking customer, known only as “Caveman,” grabbed a step ladder and hit the suspect at least once Monday. The customer chased the suspect from the store using the ladder as protection.
Police said the suspect had threatened to cut the store clerk’s neck if money wasn’t handed over. Police said the suspect escaped with some money, but he dropped much of it when he was hit with the ladder.
Police are still searching for the suspect.
(http://www.seattlepi.com/national/1120ap_odd_ladder_thwarts_robber.html)
————————————————————————–
I’d like to give a Stewart-Adams-Project-Salute to Mr. Don “Caveman” Smith for standing up to a no good hoodlum and for finding new and ingenious uses for the average household step ladder. Convenience store robbers will have to think twice before stealing from places that are packing step ladders.
So what was his motivation? There are several theories.
1. He had been watching too much WWF and couldn’t find a folding chair…so a step ladder had to do.
2. It’s all a part of the new GEICO viral marketing campaign to encourage people to do the right thing. “Standing up for what’s right – so easy a Caveman can do it.”
3. He had been watching too much WWF and he was fed up with GEICO’s “so easy a Caveman can do it” campaign.
As intriguing as these theories are, they are all wrong. We now know straight from Mr. Smith the reason he was compelled to act:
“There’s a lot of thieving that goes on around here and I don’t like it,” Smith said. “People work for their stuff and they ought to be able to keep it without somebody taking it away from them.”
If you would like, take a second to watch the slide show of Mr. Smith in action…it’s quite inspiring. Also, watching it while listening to the Chariots of Fire theme greatly increases the inspirational value.
http://www.wsbtv.com/slideshow/news/19176925/detail.html
April 16, 2009
News Lash: Woman Attacks Polar Bear
Posted at 9:38 am
BERLIN, Germany (CNN) — A polar bear attacked a woman at Berlin Zoo Friday afternoon after she climbed a fence and jumped into its habitat during feeding time, police said Saturday.
One adult polar bit her several times after she plunged into the moat, police said.
Zoo workers tossed rescue rings toward the woman to hoist her out and distract polar bears swimming nearby, said Goerg Gebhard, a Berlin police officer.
At one point the woman fell back into the water and was grabbed by a bear before she was eventually hoisted to safety.
“They saved her life,” Gebhard told CNN.
The woman was severely injured and was being treated at a hospital, police said.
It’s unclear why the woman entered the bear habitat, but police issued her a citation for trespassing.
Berlin Zoo is home to Knut, the first polar bear to be born there in over 30 years. The bear became a huge talking point in Germany when his mother gave birth to him in December 2006.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/11/polar.bear.attack/index.html?iref=mpstoryview
——————————————————————————————————————————-
I just read this story and I realized that CNN got the story completely wrong. Let me correctly state it:
Crazed Woman Attacks Innocent Polar Bear
BERLIN, Germany — On the afternoon of Friday the 10th in a zoo in Berlin, a rather large woman who isn’t very good at swimming somehow managed to defy the laws of physics and haul her body over the fence and into the moat surrounding the zoo-habitat of a poor kind polar bear.
While the woman violently barraged the animal with verbal abuse, intimidating arm flailing, and high frequency vocal noises the benevolent polar bear bore it quietly.
Zoo officials tried desperately to help the woman by throwing life savers and other gummy candies at her in the hopes that it might increase her buoyancy. Despite their noble attempts it was the bear that came to her rescue with a couple of swift movements he was able to plop her back over the fence like a really really giant beach ball.
The bear has received the Order of Schwarzenegger for his weight-lifting feat and the woman will be doing community service indefinitely.
-Aric Stoph
Associated Preposterous
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