The Stewart Adams Project

February 3, 2010

Disney Princesses – Part 2

Posted at 11:51 am

In continuation of last week’s article, I now give you Disney Princesses – Part 2 as indicated by the title above. This week we will take a look at the four remaining Disney Princesses and how they are poor role models for young girls and altogether bad for society as a whole.

06. Jasmine – Here we have a young girl who is constantly disobedient to her father (who is also sultan btw), who runs away from home on a regular basis, wears hammer pants, and rather than pursuing a relationship with an upstanding member of society (who just so happens to be rich, handsome and royalty), she decides to go for the ruffian punk kid who steals for a living and is commonly known as a “street rat.” By today’s standards, this degenerate would be accurately known as “drug dealer.” Since when is it okay to tell little girls they should aspire to marry a street rat when they grow up?

07. Pocahontas – The only of the Disney Princesses that is actually based on a historical character, Pocahontas is everything the real Pocahontas was not. The real Pocahontas was about 10 years old when she saved John Smith’s life, she did not know him prior to the encounter and never had any kind of ongoing relationship with him. She also did not worship talking trees and was baptized as a born again Christian after marrying John Rolfe in 1614. But I guess its okay to completely deface a historical figure and add fiction to his/her story if it means box office sales.

08. Mulan – Ah, the Chinese woman who looks like a man. So much like a man that her gender was never questioned throughout months in a military training encampment. The ultimate example of feminist role reversal, Mulan gives the audience the impression that all men are idiots and women are the best at fighting giant hulking Huns. If only the Huns had sent their women to invade China, then they would have won.

09. Tiana – Also not a real princess until she marries a frog, Tiana is an American living in New Orleans in 1912. Wearing a princess costume for a masquerade ball, Tiana is mistaken as a real princess by a frog who just happens to be a prince from a country that still has a monarchy. Since I have yet to see “The Princess and The Frog,” I will not comment further regarding the negative aspects of the film or its “princess.” If you have seen the movie, feel free to add input in the comments section.

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January 27, 2010

Disney Princesses – Part 1

Posted at 8:21 am

Disney has a tried and true method for developing many of their classic characters – A beautiful princess that goes through many a trial but ultimately ends up with a handsome prince charming. It’s a rubber stamp formula that is often cliché and repetitive, but it works. To quote the only animated film ever nominated for Best Picture: “If it’s not baroque, don’t fix it.”

But has anyone ever really taken a critical and admittedly cynical look into the lives of these Princesses? Little girls love them because they wear Drancy Fesses, women love them because they are “strong,” and guys love them because they are “hot” and “rich” (everything a man wants his woman to be). But what really lies under the skin deep beauty and initial appeal of these characters? Let’s analyze them, shall we?

01. Cinderella – Not really a princess at all except by marriage, this little girl is everything she is because of other people. She was a slave because of her step mother and sisters, she was made into a fake princess by her fairy god mother, she was rescued by her animal friends and she was made into a real princess by the prince. Basically Cinderella doesn’t even really exist except as a shell entity that is swayed and moved by whichever way the proverbial wind is blowing.

02. Snow White – Allegedly the fairest maiden in the land, Snow White obviously lived in a land where standards for feminine beauty were extremely low. With her pale white skin and plain features, Snow looks like one who has some kind of unshakable disease. Based on her general attitude and the fact that she eats poisoned fruit received from an obviously shady old woman, it is clear that Snow is not the brightest bulb on the strand.

03. Aurora – Also known as Sleeping Beauty, this princess was given an unfair advantage at birth. Bestowed with super human beauty and singing skills by the fairies Flora and Fauna, has no one realized how superficial these gifts are? What good would beauty and singing do the kingdom if Aurora had turned out to be pure evil? How about something like ‘the gift of wisdom’ or ‘the gift of purity’? I guess the scale of what makes a good princess is measured only by how she looks and sounds.

04. Belle – Belle is a clearly disturbed small town girl who falls in love with a creature of another species. Enough said.

05. Ariel – Filled with teen angst, this half fish girl strives to be something she’s not…a woman. This is displayed by Ariel’s constant rebellion to her authorities, her whiny sel-fish (ha!) attitude and the fact that she’s half fish.

To be continued…

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November 11, 2009

Dharma

Posted at 10:51 am

Greetings and salutations my dear readership. I would like to take this moment of your day to apologize for having not written for the past 3 weeks. I wish I had some great excuse like the fact that I contracted the H1N1 “Swine Flu” virus and spent the weeks sitting idly in quarantine at a state of the art government facility…however, that would only be the partial truth. That part about me sitting idly was a lie. I spent the days mostly being strapped to a table and experimented on by so called “scientists” who wore bright yellow radiation suits and spoke to each other in some kind of code language that entailed guttural beeping and chirping noises. Performing invasive surgeries every morning at 10:42, my captors seemed to be looking for something amongst my organs. Initially I thought that they may be individually cleansing my internal body parts in an effort to rid them of the H1N1 infection. My theory was soon consumed by the fires of common sense reminding me that picking up a living person’s pancreas and scanning it with a green light and then putting it back into the body doesn’t necessarily cure infections. That is unless the government scientists had developed a brand new swine flu killing green light scanner device that contains technology that has not yet been released to the public. A third option could be that I was heavily drugged and only thought I saw evil doctors scanning my organs with a green light in a state of the art government facility. Of course, I’m only assuming that all this happened to me over the past three weeks and that the scientists also had the technology to erase my memories and replace them with memories if me getting laid off, having to find a new job, getting a new cell phone, getting a new car and filming a video of me getting crushed by falling rocks in a wooded glen. Silly government scientists, they could have picked a more convincing story.

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October 14, 2009

PSA: The Moon

Posted at 9:22 am

Have you ever looked longingly up at the moon and marveled at its majestic majesty? The moon and its reflective properties bring feelings of comfort and awe to all who look upon its elegant lunar beauty…but looks can be deceiving.

As has been confirmed by fuzzy handheld video footage time and time again, the moon has unleashed a plague on humanity for decades. Whole herds of livestock and countless humans have fallen victim to the terrors known as werewolves. So feared and horrible are these creatures of myth that we make motion pictures that portray them as ruggedly handsome vampire killing heroes – just so the teenage girls of society can sleep at night.

But now, NASA has a plan to eradicate all werewolf infestations everywhere by attacking them at their weakest point and the source of their mutation, the moon. On Friday, October 9, 2009 NASA rammed an unmanned spacecraft and its sensing satellite into the lunar surface at 6,000 miles per hour. This was simply a training exercise for launching a full scale nuclear assault on our planet’s night light.

Join the cause, send your support to NASA and help us rid the earth of the werewolf once and for all. The moon must be destroyed, only then can we find peace, security and be forever rid of the Twilight Saga.

This has been a Stewart Adams Project Public Service Announcement. To learn more information on NASA’s attempt to blow up the moon, visit the internet.

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October 7, 2009

Love and Atomic Bonding

Posted at 9:35 am

Relationships can be categorized metaphorically by using the 3 methods of atomic bonding that exist in nature. Sure, it’s extremely geeky and uber science-esque but helpful and factual none-the-less. There is a reason why they call the way humans interact romantically, chemistry.

Atomic Bonding #1 – Covalent Bonding

This is the type of bonding where two or more atoms are brought together by a sharing of their valence electrons. By filling in gaps in their atomic charges, each atom becomes more stable and therefore develops a strong link to the other. One atom’s lack of electrons is balanced out by the other’s abundance of them – the positive and negative charges find equilibrium and both atoms benefit from what could be termed a symbiotic relationship…if only atoms where actually alive. This is an example of a pure, efficient and working relationship. Both individuals are wholly intact and the strengths of each compliment the other to form an intimate oneness and a mutual benefit to both. Neither attempts to change the other, they are simply perfect for each other and were obviously created for that purpose.

Real life examples: …

Atomic Bonding #2 – Ionic Bonding

With Ionic bonding, atoms with strong charges bond with other atoms by gaining and losing their valence electrons. For example, atom #1 has 7 valance electrons and meets up with an atom that has only one. The first atom has a much stronger pull and so it takes the electron from atom #2. By doing this the first atom becomes negatively charged (since it just acquired a negatively charged particle) and consequently, the second becomes positively charged (since it just lost a negatively charged particle). The two opposite charges are then attracted to each other (see basic magnetism) and the bond is complete. In this case, individual A must first change something about individual B, before the attraction can be made. This is often a very painful process and can take years to perfect if two people are stubborn enough. In other cases, a person gladly gives up a part of themselves for the good of the relationship.

Real life examples: 97.45% of all romantic relationships.

Atomic Bonding #3 – Metallic Bonding

Metallic bonding is often referred to a sharing of free electrons in an electron sea. Basically some metals bond to other metals simply because they are there. Often metals are bonded by external means such as hammering and intense heat. This type of bonding occurs when two people are together and there is no one else around. This is why every time a man and woman are stranded on a deserted island together, they always fall in love even if they hate each other in the beginning. Pain and beatings (like fire and hammering) tend to speed this bond and the more persecution there is, the more in love the couple will fall.

Real life examples: Beauty and the Beast, Petruchio and Katherina , Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’hara, Shrek and Fiona, etc.

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September 30, 2009

Mindless Mindless Mindless Repetition

Posted at 8:06 am

The following is a critical dissection of the pop song “I Gotta Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas. This particular tune is currently being vastly overplayed on Top 40 radio stations across the country and has confirmed beyond all reasonable doubt that song writing and music as an art form have all but vanished into the dark abyss of mindless repetition. Some of the lyrics have been softened so as not to seem crass or offend any of our younger readers, after all this is a family website.

Black Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Feeling”

Chorus:

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling, woohoo, that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night
A feeling, woohoo, that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good, good night

V. 1

Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like oh my gosh
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get off

I know that we’ll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just loose it all
I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And losing all control

Fill up my cup
Mozoltov
Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again

Let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it
And do it and do it, let’s live it up
And do it and do it and do it, do it, do it
Let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s do it.

Chorus

V. 2 – Repeat V. 1, No joke.

V. 3 – Which is really more like a bridge with key and tempo changes so that the listener can hurry up and get back to the meat of the song…the chorus.

Let’s live it up
Lets do it…
Here we come
Here we go
We gotta rock (Rock rock rock rock)
Easy come
Easy go
Now we on top (Top top top top)
Feel the shot
Rock it, don’t stop (Stop stop stop stop) – Um, yes please?
Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock

Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, and Thursday
Friday, Saturday
Saturday to Sunday – Nothing like randomly throwing the days of the week into a song…this is top notch lyric writing people.

Get get get get get with us
You know what we say
Party every day
Pa-pa-pa-party every day

Chorus (x2)

Conclusion:

Just because you put the word ‘good’ in a song 32 hundred times that doesn’t mean the song inherits the meaning of the repeated word.

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September 23, 2009

Real Ultimate Power

Posted at 9:46 am

Fact: Gila Monsters are awesome, and by awesome I mean ‘totally sweet.’

This blog post is all about REAL GILA MONSTERS. This blog post is awesome. My Name is Stewart and I can’t stop thinking about Gila Monsters. These guys are so cool, and by cool I mean totally sweet.

Facts:

01. Gila Monsters are reptiles.

02. Gila Monsters fight ALL the time.

03. The purpose of the Gila Monster is to flip out and kill people.

Testimonial:

“Gilas can kill anyone they want! Gila Monsters cut people ALL the time and don’t even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this Gila Monster who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the Gila Monster killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a Gila Monster totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.

And that’s what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you don’t believe that Gila Monsters have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will chop your toe off!!! It’s an easy choice, if you ask me.
Gila Monsters are sooooooooooo sweet that I can’t believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that’s a fact. Gila Monsters are fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can’t wait to start yoga next year. I love ninjas with all of my body.”

Q and A:

Q: Why is everyone so obsessed about Gila Monsters?
A: Gila Monsters are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they don’t give a flip, but on the other hand, Gila Monsters are very careful and precise.

Q: I heard that Gila Monsters are always cruel or mean. What’s their problem?
A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other reptiles, Gila Monsters can be mean OR totally awesome.

Q: What do Gila Monsters do when they’re not cutting off toes or flipping out?
A: Most of their free time is spent flying, but sometime they stab. (Ask Mark if you don’t believe me.)

Warning:

If you see, hear, smell, taste or feel a Gila Monster anywhere near you, run away as fast as you possibly can. You never know what might trigger a Gila Monster to flip out so the best defense against them is to be as far from them as possible…not that it will really matter. Did I mention that Gila Monsters are totally sweet?

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September 16, 2009

Facing The Boss

Posted at 8:41 am

One day Henry McLeroy decided to go out on a limb. Shaky and unstable, the limb was teetering on the edge of civilized humanitarian interaction and plummeting disaster, destruction and death. Loosening his necktie, Henry stared into his boss’s eyes as he reasoned the situation out in his head. He was attempting to weigh the pros and cons of the decision he had already made, but had not yet implemented. Slowly and methodically, Henry inched his way along the limb, furthering himself from the stability of the safe truck of silence and introvertedness. He knew he was going to do it, yet despite his mental resolve he has not yet taken that leap of faith and gone for it. Sure the risk was tremendous, and even if he accomplished his goal there was no guarantee of success but that did not matter to Henry…

With a long stride Henry stepped out toward the skinny end of the limb and let go completely of the truck. For a moment he balanced there as if weightless in perfect equilibrium. “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Henry yelled at the top of his lungs til all the air he could hold was depleted. The boss stared at Henry for a second then all at once the limb Henry stood on, shattered into millions of splintering splinters. Henry felt the gravity of his dire situation grab him and yank downward as despair filled his heart. The boss removed a flaming sword from his belt and left Henry’s avatar in a smoldering heap at the base of his TV screen. Henry sighed and put down his controller…he would have to fight another day, his mom had the bagel pizza bites ready in the oven.

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September 9, 2009

Rabbit Trails

Posted at 1:45 pm

I was fully prepared for what didn’t happen. My focus and attention where moving in harmony with one another as if dancing to a legato waltz in the key of A. As my readiness level reached its maximum I contemplated the existence of a scale for measuring such levels in humans. Clearly there would be outside factors that would affect the scale; adrenaline, bodily functions, external objects or forces, etc. Catching myself, I realized that my thinking about the scale had in turn lowered my attentions to the task at hand by distracting my mind. I then added branches to the scale chart in my mind that were meant to represent the rabbit trails of human thought not unlike the one I had just experienced. This further confirmed my idea as I noticed that once again my thoughts had turned away from my goal and toward a mental tangent about mental tangents. Re-focusing my focus I attempted to block all outside stimuli from my brain – only to realize that the main source of distraction was in my brain itself. My thoughts visualized a long tunnel I assumed to be a representation of tunnel vision and all the implications therein. If only there was a way for me to generate precise, directed tunnel vision toward the thing which my subconscious knew to be the priority. My conscious seemed to be bored with that objective and was resisting with all its might to find something else to dwell on. In that moment I realized that the task I was attempting to perform was not something that I wanted to do but rather something I needed to do. The distinction came as a stark contrast that was shocking even to me as the truth of the situation became known. Had I just not been being honest with myself? Or had desire to do what I should overshadowed the desire to do what I want? Suddenly, a lady walked in to the classroom and said “Professor Brock is sick at home and will not be coming in.” Exam day had been cancelled.

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September 2, 2009

Labor Day

Posted at 9:26 am

Next week marks the unofficial end of the Summer as it will be the fist Monday of September also known as Labor Day. You can almost smell the irony when a country decides to celebrate labor by taking a day off. Of course isn’t that what labor unions are best at doing anyway?

Look at the Major League Baseball Player Union strike that happened a few years back…you had guys making millions of dollars per year to play a game, and yet they refuse to work until they get more. The reality is that these players didn’t really need the money, they just didn’t feel much like going to work so the used the strike as a means to get some time off.

The truth about Labor day however is the lesser-known fact that more pregnant women go into labor on Labor day than any other day of the year. There is no real scientific explanation for this phenomenon but it has been confirmed time and time again by statistical observation and verified by millions of women around the planet. The holiday was later named for the labor unions by feminists who felt that having a day devoted to honoring women in labor was degrading and reminded society that women are different from men.

So enjoy your day off and know that you are benefitting from one of the greatest holiday contradictions in calendar history.